A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a newlywed (20 years old) to a wonderful husband (25 years old). We got married in May, and we have always had a great sex life. Before we were married, he wanted sex every time we were together and I was sometimes hesitant, but would still satisfy him anyway. We had an issue with porn early in the relationship, and he finally stopped viewing it about 6 months before we were married. Now that we are married, I want sex more than he does. I love the closeness and I love making love to my husband. But recently he has lost interest. We have talked about it, and he says he would like sex 1-2 times a week, maybe 3-4, but no more than that. I have sexy lingerie and sexy underwear and bras. I've tried so many things and he doesn't look at me like he used to. He used to tell me all the time how beautiful and wonderful he thought I was, but it has stopped. I used to be so confidant and feel sexy, but now that he doesn't tell me those things anymore and turns me down for sex, I feel sad and unattractive. When we do have sex, he gets off really quick and then he's done. He'll gladly cuddle but he won't help get me off when I'm really close. Is it because he's bored of me already? Am I asking for sex too much? I've stopped asking and feel like giving up on sex. He told me today he'd rather have a great relationship and less sex instead of great sex with a bad relationship. But why can't we have both? We DO have a wonderful relationship, and I couldn't ask for anyone better. Yes, he meets ALL my needs, but I feel that I'm being selfish. What is wrong with me?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Since joining this site I have developed a little theory, perhaps you could help me with it.
It is that boys ASK for a lot of sex, because they know the girls mostly say no so they never get it.
Boys got a high sex drive but a low actual need for it. I want a ferrari badly but one would be enough.
Girls grow up with boys having sex and most learn to say no, a lot. It is what society expects of them, a girl that doesn't say no, is a slut. They repress their sexual needs and so it appears they got a low sex drive.
Once it becomes socially acceptable for them not to say no (like you after you were married) then the sluises are opened and their true sexual desires become clear.
So... my question to you, while your boyfriend might have ASKED for a lot of sex BEFORE marriage, how much did he actually end up getting compared to the amount he is asking for now?
Part of the problem might be wanting what you can't have. What is more desirbale, the cake in your hand or the cookie that you have been told you can't have? He had to work at sex before, now you are ready anytime? You are even initiating it.
So, a lot of things have changed since you got married, haven't they?
Part of the problem might be that a lot of people tend to stop the courting once the ring is on the finger. Courting is of course really old fashioned but when you two dated, you both were doing this, trying to impress the other one, seduce him/her, be on your best behavior. You shaved your legs, put on make-up bought a new outfit, he picked out his least smelly shirt, romance!
That, at least from his side, seems to be gone. Or is it? If he spend say 2 days a week dating you before the marriage, why is it then assumed that will become 7 days a week after marriage? Suddenly the two of you ain't lovers any more, you are partners, spending each and every day together.
You apparently like it, and it only makes you hotter for him, but apparently he is experiencing something else. Perhaps he just feels that since he has won you, he doesn't need to try anymore. WRONG, but guys are often wrong about things. Get used to it.
Before marriage, he would ask you for a date, his sexual excitement would already start then, and build up before the date and during and there would be a tension because he never knew wether he was going to get any.
Now, he can get any, anytime he wants... gone sexual tension.
What you and him probably need to do is talk. Talk about what the two of you really want together. But you need to go into this willing to accept that there are differences between the two of you.
And that a good sexual relationship depends on more then the act itself. You need sexual tension, courting, a hunter and a prey (and who is what depends on the two of you).
So, has the amount of sex really gone down and what can be done about it? I say, go back to courting. Remind each other that a relationship means winning the other persons heart every single day. And no, this doesn't mean you got to make it a routine, that would kill romance as well. Just that if something becomes to easily available, we tend to loose appreciation of it.
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 September 2009):
 There is nothing wrong with you. You said that your young husband is "wonderful" and "meets ALL your needs," but now you are claiming something less. You are a young woman with normal carnal desires and obviously in love. That's great, but sometimes marriage (or even cohabitation) results in too much male complacency that may lead to selfishness on the part of the male, and dissatisfaction for the woman.
Think of it this way: He won the "prize" he sought. That's you, and you represent a challenge that no longer requires effort. The chase is over. He can now enjoy his win whenever he wishes, but the pursuit is over.
Unfortunately, this is all too human and common. Men should devote an equal amount of effort to retaining the "possession" once sought with such vigor.
Think of the guy who finally acquires the car or truck he has wanted with passion. Once acquired, he keeps it clean and polished for good while, but eventually both the effort and luster fade. Ultimately, he feels that even vacuuming the floorboards frequently is too much hassle. Not all men are great about maintaining what they have acquired for the long-term, though some may cherish a prized vehicle more than most anything else, such as a wife.
The thing is, there is nothing in life more important, or more difficult, than keeping a mate (especially a woman) totally happy. In fact, I think that "totally" is not possible.
It requires great effort to achieve anything close to a wife's contentment, but it also takes a young man a good while to learn this. Wish I could tell you how to accelerate such an education, but I'm only pretty good about the physical (sexual) techniques involved. The education part simply takes time, but it may be possible to "shock" a man to realization. That can be called denial. Think of "supply and demand," which is a fundamental principle on this planet that applies to almost everything.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (12 September 2009):
 You're young, healthy, in love, and attracted to your newlywed husband. That's normal and to be expected. You SHOULD expect sex with him.Ask if he's back into porn, or stressed over work or money, or if he's been feeling well physically, or something else. Guilt or stress can kill libido, even in men with sexy wives in lingerie. All I can say is open, non-confrontational communication, or possibly some counseling. But you do deserve sex. Even biblically, men and women are commanded to give their spouses pleasure in the bedroom, not suggested to, commanded to!
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