A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I desperately need some advice about my husband. We've been married for almost two years. About 18 months ago I found out that he had registered on an internet dating site, understandably I was furious. He had given detailed descriptions of the type of person he was looking for and about himself and described himself as 'separated'. He said he did it as a joke because of a spam email. I forgave him. Two days ago I discovered he'd registered with another dating site at the same time too. He has told me he was curiours to find out how they work etc etc. He doesn't seem the type to mess around but I can't imagine doing something like that for a 'laugh'. He'd also done a search and shortlisted some girls too. Am I an idiot for thinking his excuse is plausible? He's very convincing. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): I am sorry to hear of your situation. You say he doesn't seem like the type to cheat. How long had you known him before you got married? If this was 18 months ago and nothing has happened since then..I guess it's water under the bridge at this point wether he was lying or not. You let it go for this long, why are you concerned with it now? You said that two days ago you discovered he'd registered with another dating site at the same time too. You mean that he registered with another site 18 months ago, right? If it was recent, then he obviously IS looking to cheat. If it were 18 months ago, maybe he was just trying to see if he'd get any "hits" from girls. Sometimes people just do this to see if anyone would be interested in them, because they have low self esteem. I did it in my last relationship. But I never really respected my ex boyfriend either or saw a long term relationship with him. You are married so it is a bit more alarming. Did you marry for the right reasons? All you can do now is to judge your husband's behavior since the incident. It has been 18 months. Has he given you any other reason to think he may be straying or wanting to stray?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Wow. I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. I mean, if you were just dating this guy, is one thing. But he is your husband! I'm almost speechless. Well anyways there is absolutely no good reason why this guy should be doing this. He has no respect for you and for your marriage. And yes he is looking for girls, plain and simple. Why?? I have no idea. I have never heard of a guy get married and soon after join a dating website. It's bizzarre. Why did you guy's get married anyways?? I also find it hard to believe that you had been dating this guy before you were married and had no incling to him being a cheater type?? I find that so odd. I mean I am POSITIVE that he had given you signs of his disrespectful behavior before you married him. This behavior just doesn't appear sporadically out of nowhere.Well he is not going to change. And it is just going to get worse because you are going to start finding out more stuff about him. And he clearly doesn't care. If he did, he would have never dreamed of visiting a dating website. This guy does not care about you AT ALL. That is why I ask why you two got married. Clearly it was not for love. Not on his part anyways.When a guy truly loves a girl, that's it. They can't envision being with anybody else. They worship you and would never do anything to hurt you because they do not want to jeoopardize your trust and love for them. They are too fond of you to lose you. This guy, however, does not care about what you think or how you feel. He is actively jeopardizing your relationship. If you want to continue being with a guy who doesn't give a sh*t about you, then that's your problem, not his. Actions speak louder than words and his actions would have me running for the door (something is not right in this kid's brain).
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Well I hesitate to ever call anyone an idiot but.....in this case, I think you are being buffaloed. Your husband isn't happy being married. He may be coming home every night. He may be going through the motions, doing what everyone is expecting him to do as your husband, but he is clearly looking for someone else. And when he finds her, he will have an affair and probably leave. If you think about it, he was cruising the dating sites 6 months into your marriage. That's a major red flag in my books. Of course, he's going to deny what he's doing, now that you're on to him. That's because he hasn't yet found the woman he will eventually leave you for. In the meantime, he's comfortable having a place to come home to, meals that are cooked for him, laundry that's done, and a warm body to snuggle with at night, while he continues to look for someone else. Why not suggest a trial separation and if that doesn't make him beg for marital counseling and a second chance, it's time to cut him loose and file for divorce. He's already got one foot out the door anyhow. Sorry babe, you deserve someone so much better!
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
If this guy isn't having any sort of relations behind your back, then he is still a jerk! What kind of person would join a dating site, contact single girls, and lead them on for a laugh? That's awful!
What also concerns me is that you told him how upset it made you and he still has the nerve to sign up with that in mind. Why would he want to do something like this if it would hurt you? It's not like telling him to stay off of a dating site is overreacting - you two are married. He should be respectful of you and of the marriage.
I do not think you're an idiot, I just think that your husband is manipulative and either a bit sick or he really is trying to get some action on the side. Whatever is going on, it's not positive. (Sorry, I don't mean to be attacking your husband!)
If I were you, I'd ask him to show you what activity he's carried out on the site - emails, messaging, etc. If he's really innocent, he shouldn't have any problems with showing you anything. If he gets angry, defensive or acts like it's *you* who is causing the problems - I would take that as a big red flag.
If this continues, you might want to consider couples counseling.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Hi
The guy is called a hunter, as my counsellor friend once told me. Hes playing you for a fool. They dont join as a laugh. They join because they are looking for extra marital sex. Oh he isnt looking to replace you, i'm not saying that, hes looking to have a bit of fun behind your back.
I feel sorry for you and i feel sorry for the women that actually think he is 'seperated' i was on a dating site once and came across a few of them. They usually say they are still living in the same house with the ex for 'financial' reasons! Oldest one in the book, they think it keeps their concience clear but anyone with an ounce of sense says thanks but no thanks. But they play on the extremely lonely women out there!
You see the questions about them on here all the time.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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