A
female
age
41-50,
*ojo13
writes:am i nag or does my partner have a problem?im 11 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child and been with my partner on and off for 9 years. i left him last year as he drinks 5 times a week and used to take cocaine spending 150 a week on it i just couldnt cope any more. he proved near last xmas he had stopped so we give it another go things were okayish he just drank weekend and had stopped using cocaine, ive fell pregnant unplanne i had the coil removed then went to get the injection 1 month later and discovered i were pregnant the thing is my partner s drinking has crept up again to 4-5 times a week and i caught him 2 weeks ago when i come home from my gig as im a pub singer he was babysitting off his face on coke im so miserable and down he says im over reacting and every 1 does it and every1 drinks in the week i feel like i dont want my life to revolve round worrying about him drinkin or taking drugs is this normal behaviour
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female
reader, sexandthecity82  +, writes (4 October 2010):
Not everyone does it. Most of the people i know don't drink that much and i'm irish. And the majority do not do any sort of drugs. He's saying this to try and justify his habit and i think you have every right to be concerned. Your children are your first priority and they're obviously not his. He passed out from cocaine while babysitting your children if the house had gone on fire they all would have been burned alive.
A
female
reader, jojo13 +, writes (4 October 2010):
jojo13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for the advice the strange thing is hes always worked and does stuff with the kids when hes NORMAL but i just cant bear to live worrying about the drink and drugs. my eldest isnt his but the second child is i know im to blame for putting up with this behaviour i just always think that things might be different and fall for the same old rubbish we obviously want different things from life i just need to bmake the break once and for all thankou again
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Your story is extremely sad, and you obvious are distressed by what is happening, but I'm afraid, unlike the other posts to your reply, if feel a lot of this is down to you being in an on and off relationship with someone you are well aware has DRUG problems, let alone a drink problem.
You have two children with this guy, and yet another on the way, yes, I know unplanned, but were the other two unplanned too. If for nine years this man has had this problem, he was not going to all of a sudden be over it, in a matter of months. To get back with this guy UNTIL or IF he has been drug free for at least two years, holds down a steady job, takes an active interest in his children's well-being, as in seeing the on a regular basis, assisting in providing for them, then you do not have him back.
This is a roller-coaster problem, a set pattern which you have both become accustomed to, he says he's off drugs and drink for a few weeks, and you let him back - and so it goes on. YES of course he has a drink and drug problem, as anyone who takes cocaine is not functioning normally, and I won't even comment on your question of nagging, as everyone here knows it's his way of silencing you.
I'm always pragmatic, logical and say it as it is, and I do that with my clients too - This is because people do become very set in their ways, and sometimes have to see the wider picture, that a lot of their problems are due to NOT taking responsibility for who they allow into their life, when they already KNOW when they meet that person, that person has BIG PROBLEMS.
The first think here, is you don't ever leave your children with this man, taking drugs or getting drunk whilst in the company of children, being responsible for them is just NOT acceptable, which brings me back to who WE allow into our lives. I would like to think you will make a permanent break from this man, as this is no example for young children, or for them to see it as a normal family life.
And as you live in the UK, there is plenty of help for single mothers to bring their children up single-handed, so please think about your children's future, as this man should be playing no part in it, until he can prove over a long period he is fit to be around such innocent and impressionable young people.
Don't stay with him and then ask why you live such an awful life..sorry, but you have to take control of this, ship him out, and you will no longer have to endure endless drinking bouts and drug addiction..
I so hope your third pregnancy goes well, and your other two children are safe and happy. Good luck with this one!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 No, his behavior is not normal. He has a drink and drug problem and is trying to pretend he does not. You have to take care of yourself and your children and having them tended by a guy who's off his head on cocaine is NOT a good idea.
I'm sorry that you are the one stuck with being the healthy partner in this relationship, but I think cutting him out until he is off the drink and drugs is the right thing to do. Make sure he is supervised when he is with the children.
If you haven't already, you might check into Al-Anon or its counterpart for drugs, Nar-Anon, to find some support. They should be able to put you in touch with resources in your area.
You know you are right, don't let the disease (addiction) in him tell you otherwise. Stick to keeping your children and yourself safe and healthy. If it means cutting him out of your life, so be it, he is responsible for getting help for himself. And finally, if turning him in to the authorities means he gets the help he needs, well, you might consider taking that step, drastic though it may be.
Babysitting while off his head on coke? That's very bad. That's very very bad.
I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): NO!! You're not crazy!! You don't deserve this behavior, and your kids especially don't deserve this. You know what it's like to be a good parent and you realize how doing coke and drinking is a horrible way to babysit! He's endangering your kids, no matter how 'level headed' he acts, if something bad were to happen while you were gone, what's he going to do? He probably won't be able to drive the sick/injured kid to the hospital/doctor and he if he does it might even be worse. Plus, do you think he'd call 911 with the chance that he could get caught being drunk or using illegal drugs and go to jail? My friends cousin died because her father was smoking crack and didn't realize how seriously sick she was, by the time he convinced himself that he could just drop the girl off at the ER and not go in (because he didn't want to get caught) it was too late. If he needs to use recreational drugs, he can drink a beer or so on the weekends when he's not supposed to be watching the kids and being a responsible father. He sounds like he has a problem and needs help. It's your responsibility to put your foot down and either make him get help or get him away from your kids!!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Your boyfriend has a problem, and so do you if you are letting him look after the kids when he is off his face.
Do yourself, and them, a favour or they will grow up believing it's normal behaviour, but you and I both know it's not!
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