A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts. sorry if this is too long.I met this girl who is doing the same uni course as me and i was immediately drawn to her. im not sure what it is about her but i felt strangely interested in absolutely everything about her. i didnt want to start a friendship with her because of my strange interest in her. it scared me, i didnt understand it, so i kept my distance. But somehow we ended up becoming friends and she now lives in the flat next to mine. my interest in her grew and grew and then one day when we were chatting she revealed that she is bisexual and is actually interested in me. I was shocked. i told her that i didnt feel the same. But a part of me was really intrigued because of the previous interest i had in her. We continued to be friends but she kept making it difficult by always complimenting me and being so nice, and being a great friend. i know that sounds silly but all of this just made it difficult for me not to think about her as more than a friend. ive never been attracted to a girl before, i havent had any boyfriends either though. One day, i decided that i wanted to see what my feelings for her were so when we were hanging out together i made a move on her. i dont know what came over me but it felt right. We kissed and basically had sex. Immediately after i felt an overwhelming sense of guilt so i left and distanced myself from her. I felt terrible, especially as i know she has feelings for me. but the thing was...i actually really enjoyed it. so a few weeks later, the same thing happened again. i came on to her-she was really sweet and was asking if this was what i really wanted and that she didnt want me to be uncomfortable. i didnt feel as much guilt afterwards but there was definitely some feeling of guilt. i distanced myself from her again and i could see that i was hurting her so i decided that i didnt want anything to happen between us again because i wasnt sure, and it isnt fair on her. i told her this and she was really upset. she can clearly see that i have some feelings for her so its difficult for her to move on. But my problem is...i dont want to be a lesbian. I dont want to be judged by my family, my friends, my colleagues and society in general. i dont want people to notice me and see me as different. i dont want people gossiping about me. SO this is why i wont allow myself to become this. I told this girl that and she got very angry. she doesnt care what anybody thinks of her. she says life is too short and that we need to live for the here and now and do what makes us happy. And because she knows that deep down i do want her she will not give up. she keeps texting me and ringing me and we've ended up having big arguments. she even suggested we see each other secretly but i just dont think that will work. At the moment we arent talking to each other. she said that she cant be my friend because everytime she looks at me she just wants to kiss me and hold me and its hurting her too much.I dont know what to do. im either going to lose her as a friend completely and she will never talk to me again or she will continue to keep texting and phoning and trying to be with me. i did actually confide in one of my good friends about all this and she told me that i should ignore my feelings until they go away and try and surround myself by men. she said that pursuing this will just cause me too much stress and aggravation and that all i need is a man to forget about this girl. thats the opinion of one of my best friends so its clear that people are not accepting of this sort of behaviour.The bottom line is yes a big part of me wants her, but i dont want the label or hassle of being gay. is it possible to ignore your feelings and still be happy? will they go away? am i a lesbian or have i just not met the right man?help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): Being gay/straight/bisexual doesn't matter, if you like her you like her... just roll with it! You'll regret it if you don't xx
A
female
reader, landingsight  +, writes (11 April 2010):
It's a real shame that people are so closed-minded about this sort of thing. I have a feeling you'd be perfectly happy if it wasn't for the fear of being judged.
You can always try surrounding yourself by men, but if you're not attracted to them in the first place, I really doubt that will help you "get over" this or make you happy. Go ahead and experiment, sure, but beyond that I'd advise talking to someone who you KNOW is accepting and knowledgeable about LGBT issues. I don't know if you live in an area where this would be hard to find in person or not, but if you do, you can always look online for a support group or chat room.
It might take some time to figure yourself out and get things to a point where you're comfortable - and who knows, you might change your preferences slightly or altogether over time. As far as I know, it's not something we really can control, which is frustrating, but other people have to understand that it's just who you are and doesn't change the fact that you're the same person they've grown up with.
That being said, it's totally up to you whether to discuss this with your family and friends more openly. I agree that there's probably some negative pressure to be encountered, but unless you live in a very, very, very conservative area, I can't imagine that none of them would be supportive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): Ignoring your feelings won't work. They never go away. Trust me.
You can't change who you are. If you really like her, then just listen to your heart. What's more scary to you? Living your life denying a part of yourself, or not being accepted by some people in society? Furthermore, those people who would judge you.... are they worth your time? Would their opinions really matter to you if they judged you because of sexual orientation as opposed to your character?
It's difficult to tell if you're a lesbian, bisexual, or just curious. But the way I see it: if you really want this woman that badly, the label doesn't matter. Be with the person who makes you happy and never be afraid to be yourself.
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