A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's a lovely guy who cares about me deeply but who doesn't want sex with me. We're affectionate but there's no sexual chemistry there at all. In the early stages of the relationship, I was always the one to initiate it and even then, I think he's a rather selfish lover so the sex has never been great. He masturbates daily so I know there's nothing physically wrong with him. However, I got tired of always asking for it and decided I would let him come to me. Well, it's been well over a year since the last time we slept together. The year prior we only had it 4 times due to the fact I asked for it. I'm tired of feeling sexually undesireable even though I do frequently get hit on if we're out but I've never been unfaithful because I do love him.Lately, I have met someone who I'm very much attracted to sexually. I found out he's married and is in a similar situation - we talked in depth about starting an affair. Neither of us wants to change our lives as we are both in good places in our lives - both happy with jobs, friends and homes and in some respects, our relationships are fine (both of us feel like we are living with our best friends in some respects). So it would be just for sex, to have our needs fulfilled. When I was single, I could easily separate sex from emotion so I'm not worried I will fall in love with him.The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me as it will take the pressure I'm feeling off of an otherwise, decent relationship. I've considered ending the relationship in the past because I can't just never have sex again - I've always been a sexual person. Am I fooling myself terribly that I can actually do this? Am I a horrible person for thinking I can have my cake and eat it too?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I'm the original poster and thanks so much for your answers. I think the advice about talking to him and giving him a wake up call is excellent and I know you are right. We've spoken before about the lack of sex in the relationship (a few times in the last few years) and he tells me he knows but if I want it, I should initiate it. His words: "Just rip off my trousers and suck me off if you want to show me you want it". Well, I'm sorry - while that works sometimes, I can't be doing that every time I want some action. I need him to WANT me and I've told him that but he doesn't seem to do anything to show me that he really does. I need foreplay and he's never given me that. I've tried, early on, to show him what I wanted him to do in a loving manner, without being critical and it's never really worked, he doesn't take it on board. He's 38 years old, set in his ways I suppose.What I am afraid of if I tell him, 'listen, you either give me what I want or I'm gonna start looking elsewhere' is that he'll get suspicious of me... I don't want that in our relationship! I know that's totally hypocritical of me. Thing is, I don't want to leave him. I know that sounds mad based on what I've said about him but other than the sex and the lack of communication about that, all the other stuff is quite good. We bought a flat recently (which I'd never be able to afford on my own) and we have a fab group of mutual friends and I have a lovely extended family through him. I don't want to leave him because there are too many pros in the relationship than cons! But I can't go on not having sex...I still want this affair. Not every affair is found out (I would certainly be very careful of that) and if he doesn't know, and it takes the pressure off... I'm being stubborn here aren't I?! I don't think I'm convinced yet that it can't be done and I'm trying to justify it when everything in me KNOWS it's probably a mistake. Thanks for not judging me though... I still haven't done anything so I suppose maybe there's hope for me yet?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Did you think about talking to him about it?Maybe try that before having an affair .
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 It's time you gave your significant other a wake-up call. Tell him that you either get what you want from the relationship, or you'll get it elsewhere. If he doesn't care, then go for it. I don't understand men (boys) who would rather wack-off than make love to someone they supposedly love. It just doesn't make sense.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Hi,
I wont judge ( but I imagine others will )
Here are the pros and cons as I see them:
The cons:
Your partner may just find out and will most likely be very upset you are being unfaithful - you could lose everything you treasure.
You really don't know how this will work out, HE may develop feelings for you and it could turn messy.
You may just start falling for him, sex is very personal and emotional and over a period of time you may find it hard to detach yourself.
How similar is his situation in reality? You may find you have a jealous wife on your hands before you know it.
The pros:
As you said it will be a purely physical thing and will fill a void missing in your current relationship.
You are both being upfront about your situations so there are no expectations of living together or leaving your partners.
You will be having sex again!!
Personally I couldnt do what you are planning to do as i feel that if the romance/sex is gone so is the relationship. But that is me, if you can live like this then I'm certainly not going to judge you or say that what you are doing is a train wreck waiting to happen - you certainly wouldnt be the first couple to do this!
Good luck anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): im sorry but while i dont think you are a horrible person you are fooling yourself i think its a absolutely horrid IDEA i mean honestly i know i would be devasted srry but thats all i can think of on the matter
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