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female
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anonymous
writes: What to do? I recently discovered my boyfriend has cheated on me. We have been together six months and I love him dearly. The problem is I never trusted him and was not surprised when I found out! The problem is my mother very recently died and I feel I just can't cope with another loss. He has begged and pleaded for me to take him back, bought gifts etc..... I have seen him purely because I miss him so much but if my friends find out they will kill me! Don't want to let anyone down including myself, don't want to be a fool but don't know what to do........
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): A few months ago, I found out that my fiance had cheated on me. We started our relationship in May of 2008 and have been together for 2 years. When he proposed to me it was the most romantic thing. I am completely in love with him! I found out he had cheated on me when I was at his parents house (he still lived there at the time, I'm 38 and he's 35). He received a letter from the attorney general's office informing him that he needed establish paternity. I was enraged. I had suspicions about him at one point during the second year of our relationship. We had stopped seeing each other for a while and he began dating this girl (I'll call her D). I actually walked in on him cuddling with her on the couch when I went to his parents house where he was living. I accused him of having her there the whole time we were together but when this paternity suit came about I was floored that it was someone completely different. I got to speak to her and she told me how long they had known each other and how they met. Needless to say, she was not a one night stand. She had been his "friend" for 4 years. In her mind although he never called her is girlfriend, she acted like his girlfriend. She had had a miscarriage right before we had officially started "our" relationship. He dumped her right after. I learned that throughout the first year I was with my boyfriend he was with her also off and on. The only reason for the off and on were because she had tried to end it. When she became pregnant was in March, she told me it was after we had walked into the store where she worked. She went to see my fiance and one thing led to another. He told me he didn't even remember having sex with her (he has epilepsy). She just showed up one day and said that she was pregnant by him. The baby is his but he told me that he wanted nothing to do with her or the mother. He told me that she never meant anything to him. She had always been just a friend and that he was sorry he made the mistake of cheating on me. I love him so much. He has been trying hard to prove to me how much he loves me and although he hasn't acknowledged his daughter, he has been good in paying child support. I believe that this girl was delusional in ever thinking that he wanted anything to do with her. In the end he chose me.
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female
reader, Quinncere  +, writes (21 January 2009):
I am in the same boat but at least you have gotten some gifts. Sad to say, I was warned by associates that he would cheat on me because he's done it to other females he's been with. And when we got together he was a liar but I wasn't very sure at that time. Now, we're supposed to be staring over but my trust is gone and he is doing nothing to gain it back but constantly saying how much he loves me. He goes to work and doesn't call home at all which seems crazy to me because I would think if I was a liar and trying to gain my partner's trust back, I'd be checking in once in a while. So with that said, once a cheater always a cheater unless the cheater finds someone he/she is truly happy and content with. And to me love is not what really holds a relationship together, it's respect because if you respect someone you wouldn't cheat on them in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): im going through kind of the same thing.me and my boyfriend have been together almost 6 months.my best friend moved a couple months agoand when she left.a part of me died.he was what kept me going. and is still what keeps me going.hes cheated on me 4 times.only had sex with one girl.but it still hurts.i recently found out that he cheated on me a couple months ago.he never told me.its hard to just pack your shit and leave.i know what your going through.[personal information edited out by moderator]
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Just a follow up...I caught boyfriend in bed, wrote in August, caught him a second time.....Well it was never really the same after that. I never really trusted him. Finally, I started drifting away - and he got angry. ultimately he wrote me that he cheated because I am sexually unexciting and could lose weight. Nice. He never answered for the fact that he had nude pics of "other" women whom he had cheated with on ALL of his relationships for the past 10 years. Keeping the pics is creepy. Look at these guys' characters while deciding if it is worth it to stay in the relationship. Look to areas OTHER THAN the cheating....you will quickly know if they are dishonest, bad and have a flawed character. If they do - don't fool yourself that you will change them. Run for the hills and cut your losses.
Sociopaths are real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): Once a cheater always a cheater. If you have only been with him for 6 months then you would still be in the 'honeymoon' period so he would have had no reason to cheat on you if he truly loved you. Leave him be and find someone who will not treat you this way
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): Follow up: Walking in on boyfriend naked in bed during trial. All was going well, we went on a couple of trips. I stopped by his house yesterday, without calling.
He was in bed with another woman - AGAIN......a person from the past, I have seen her pictures before.
She laid in bed and said "get her to leave". Of course, being a diva - I made him kick her out (she left telling me to find some self-respect).
I then dumped the loser. I was not devastated like the first time. Instead, I realized he really has a problem. This one was a strange looking one with a blonde wig and blue contacts (she is a person of color). I think he is sick. This debate on whether to forgive him after the first time has been somewhat a waste of time. These men have serious problems with insecurity and impulse control.
Moreover, they have a character flaw.....and their indiscretions can kill us. Not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): once a cheater always a cheater. i was seeing this man who cheated on me before twice with two different women but i took him back when he apologized but things didn't add up. i wasn't allowed to go to his house till a certain time and i found out he was sleeping with his kids nanny. when i confronted him he made up all these kind of lies about her. i talked to the nanny she was shocked to hear about the lies he told about her and to her and mine suprise he was sleeping with another person also. he begged me to come back but i don't know if i he'll ever stop this isn't the first or second time and with different women. i think this man has a problem and every one should stay away from him. if he's cheating more than once with different women maybe he needs counseling but definitely don't ever trust him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I met a person 3 months ago- and believed him to be "the one". Our lives have crossed, unbeknownst to us, in three different states, he went to the same junior high school as my best friend, etc.- yet we met in our 40's. I also lost my significant other to pancreatic cancer four months before meeting my boyfriend. It was difficult, because my deceased boyfriend was a high profile professional, and my loss very public. My new boyfriend and I spend each waking moment together. Our children have also bonded. We have been in a committed relationship for a year. But there were signs.....His ex-girlfriend/mother of his children made it a point to stop by before we left for a trip so she could - in part- tell me that he cheated on her, made her sleep on the floor, threatened to stop seeing his son if she took him to court for child support - and other horrible things. She is often nasty to me- I chalked it up to jealousy. Then I found out that my ex has sex videotapes of about 40 past sexual partners - stemming back to the 1980's. It seems as if he has taped everyone he has been with - and he keeps them indefinitely (which is consistent, because he has every paycheck he has ever received; check he has ever written; details of small details of his life written and collected). He has a photo album of all of his ex's, as well. What is suprising, is how homely they are. He is very attractive- and I wondered if he purposely chose women with low self-esteem. He claimed he was faithful to his last girlfriend, but I found sex pics on the computer with an obese, unattractive woman -which were taken during his relationship. He was also on a subscription based, online dating site, during his last relationship before ours. He told me that he realized he did not want to marry his ex and, thus, never asked her to be his girlfriend nor entered a committed relationship. A set of knives appeared in his home, he hugged me and asked how I liked them - telling me they were from his son. In actuality, they were from the ex before me.
Last Wednesday- I was at trial at an away court - so we did not see each other for four days. He called to tell me he could not stand being apart from me, and that he wanted me to consider us marrying before the end of the year. He told me not to drag my young children over that night, for he would come spend the night the next day. I had a sitter, and decided to suprise him. As I pulled up, I had a sinking feeling- not sure why. I placed my key in the door and heard a female say, "Who is that"? I found my boyfriend in bed, naked, with another woman. He told me "this is exactly what it looks like". The woman and I introduced ourselves - she said she did not know he had a girlfriend. As she was putting on her clothing - he called her name (not sure why). He told me, oddly- that they had known each other for a long time - she concurred. She left, and he told me how devastated he was - that he loves me dearly; that he makes poor, impulsive choices; that he has never been caught in bed and how awful that it was with the woman he has loved the strongest. After my fierce questioning - he told me he ran into her at a shopping store, and that she worked at a local hospital. I went to the room, and called her on his cell - she laughed at the store comment and said he called her the night before, and told her she could - at times, sleep over and leave for work from his place. She told a past girlfriend caught him bringing her to his home- but never like this. He told me this was true - and this woman has never minded being the backdoor woman. I do not know what I am dealing with; who he is. The videos all have a very impersonal quality to them - even the same sheets, and he is saying the same things. It makes me feel something is "off" about him. Yesterday, he walked in the house to hear me telling my out of town girlfriend what happened. He was outraged. He immediately left the house, telling me "I can't be around you right now." He doesn't want to hear about it (after 4 days) - no throwing it in his face, and he doesn't want me to tell anyone else so they "know his character". I am in a quandry. I love him, want to believe it was a mistake, that it will not happen again, that he loves me.....I feel like a fool for the same. I am attractive, successful - and from the beginning of our relationship, I told him that I do not want to date anyone who hates women (or has even been told that). At present, I have decided to forgive - I will not forget. The woman sent him two texts yesterday - one asking if we worked it out, the second saying she needed to see him lastnight, and not to let her down. He immediately gave me his phone and let me respond that a) we are fine; b) invitation declined and c) she has now crossed the line into disrespecting me so keep away. I am being cautious, though. Our situations are so similar. We have to find a way to forgive, move forward - not forget & be mindful while not throwing it up in anger during unrelated fights. How unfair for us. What poor choices from our partners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): I've been in the same situation. About 4 months ago my boyfriend cheated on me. He didn't actually have sex with the girl, I got there just as they were going to, but I stopped it from happening. I had decided to go out with one of my girlfriends that night instead of chill at the house with the boys. When I came home, there were two girls in the house. Not very pretty at all I might add. Anyways, right after I walked in, one of the girls got off the couch and went into the bathroom. I wondered where Brian was. He wasn't in his room nor the other areas of the house. My heart just knew where he was. I went to the bathroom door and pounded on it. It took them a while to open it. Finally he did, and my boyfriends face was all flushed and he had the most guilty look on his face. I went nuts!! The girl was sitting on the toilet acting like she was going pee. I'm not stupid! Anyways, I knew exactly what had been going on and what was going to happen. I left that night knowing that it was over. How in the world could I go back to a guy that would hurt me this bad. We had been dating for a year and a half. But part of me knew he was totally drunk out of his mind because he knew I was on my way to his house. He would never do that to me, at least I thought. He apologized and said he couldn't even tell you what the girl looked like. In my heart I so want to believe him, but part of me knows that he had to have known what he was doing. I'm still struggling with it everyday when I look at him.Bottom line is that I decided to stay with him. Just because I can't imagine my life without him. He feels horrible about what happened and promises that it will never happen again, but who is to say? I know that people can change and that people make mistakes. I'm scared to get hurt again too. I just really understand where you are coming from. He seems to be really good now, but what happens next time he gets that drunk? Makes me really want to just break down and cry right now......we will never know. YOu just have to decide if it's worth the fight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Hey hun! I am going through the same thing right now. I found the two of them in MY CAR naked doin the %*&^%!!! I love him, GOD only knows why? I don't know wether or not to try again, we've been together for 2 years and my kid's are so attached! He know's he screwed up and give's no excuses, but How do I know wether I can trust him again?...I have learned throughout years of hurt that the best solution is to follow your heart, and not let other people's opinion's take control of that!! Your TRUE friend's will respect your final desicion...RIGHT OR WRONG!! Good luck and never forget to TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): you are not a fool sweetheart. if you love hima nd he loves you truly then give it another shot and try to work it out. true love should never be given up on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Well. I can say that I'm in this now, He cheated on me, I found out in the worst ways possible. & I want to be with him but I have trust issues as it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2005): its hard i no ive been there iam slowly trusting him again.u shouldnt listen to ur heart and ur head if they tell u the same thing then follow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): Perhaps this will answer your question-Are you so desperate that you have a man who can not be trusted and who cheats on you to be the father of your children?! Take him back if the answer is yes!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): get rid of him. once a cheater always a cheater!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): well my boyfriend admitted to his mistake about cheating on me and i think that i can move on in this relationship because of that but if it ever happens again its not going to be an me and him anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): well i was a fool to take my cheating boyfreind back and i still thank that he is cheating and i ask him every day i talk to him and he says no so i dont now what to blieve
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2005): I really feel for you. It's one of the worst feelings to discover that someone you love has cheated on you, as this has happened to me. I took back my then boyfriend, but he cheated on me again. I don't think I ever really trusted him after the first time he did this and found myself checking his mobile calls etc .......... ridiculous way to live, I know.
All I can say to you, is firstly, why didn't you trust him to begin with? Did he ever give you reason to doubt him?
Then find out why he cheated on you.
If you really love him and you think you can put this behind you, then give him another chance. It's your life and like the others have said, if your family and friends really love you, they'll support your decision.
My ex-boyfriend was a philanderer; some people that cheat always cheat.
I think you will know in your heart what the right thing to do is and to trust your instinct - it's often right.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (11 July 2005):
I realise your circumstances are difficult at the moment but i wouldnt take this boy back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2005): Let me say first, I am sorry to hear about your Mother's death...a heartbreaking, painful loss. And with your boyfriend having cheated on you..how much can your poor heart withstand? You are still likely grieving for you Mother and as a result, you miss him because you want hope and comfort Your friends are right..he could create more pain for you, in the future. There is some truth to that old saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" Personally,
I would never take a man back if he cheated on me. But that's me...many women react differently to this situation.
Let's say he loves you deeply so I will give him credit, at least he feels remorse, he knows what he did was wrong, and doesn’t want to lose you. Does this mean you give your boyfriend another chance? I am open minded enough to believe that cheating doesn’t have to necessarily signify the end of a relationship. In fact in some cases, if both partners are willing to work hard, infidelity can bring problems that were lurking in the depths of the relationship up to the surface for the purpose of healing.
Since your relationship is relatively new (6 months) it’s likely that you were both still settling into your commitment to one another, or at least he was! So if he is sincere, and you feel he’s worth it, and if you can let go of what happened (not easy!) it’s possible that you could both use this crisis to stop, evaluate the relationship, and go forward. His saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough, though. Just because he’s not cheating on you anymore doesn’t mean the problem has disappeared--it hasn’t. It’s still there, but it’s in remission. Don’t delude yourself into believing the coast is clear now that he’s apparently being faithful again. Stand your ground, and insist he never do this again to you. Make him understand the pain he caused you. If this guy really loves you and truly doesn’t want to lose you, he’ll thank his lucky stars that you’re willing to give him another chance, and will work his butt off to make this relationship work. He will never stray again. Tell him this is his one and only chance and stick to that.
But remember this: What I say to people who cheat and it may be a good idea to repeat this to your boyfriend.
Tell him "You’re the one who betrayed me. You’re the one who broke my trust. It’s not my responsibility to learn to trust you again. It’s your job to earn back my trust."
Here's another thing to think about. Some women believe in the “forgive and forget” philosophy. If you are very fortunate, and your boyfriend is willing to go through a major personal transformation profound enough to demonstrate that he isn’t the same person who cheated on you, you may be able to build a new relationship based on new values and respect. If this happens, I believe that in time, you will forgive your boyfriend for what he did to you. But you will never, never forget.
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reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (7 July 2005):
I also cheated on my boyfreind that I have been with for 5 years. I think you should give him another chance because I know if he's any kind of person he regrets it and like me will never do it again. He probably feels the same way I do and I hate myself for it and will never do it again because it's too much for me to handle, never mind him.
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reader, Buttercup +, writes (7 July 2005):
Hi ya. my boyfriend once cheated on me when we had been together for about four months but I had already fallen for him big time. I did trust him and so was shocked when I found out. My friends and family instantly hated him telling me I was better of without him but I missed him loads. I saw him in secret and he reassured me it was a one off. I took him back and my friends and family were annoyed with me but they soon realised that he was sorry and that he made me happy so they accepted him again. we went on to be together for three years and only split becuase I was going away to university. However, your situation is very different from mine. I want to ask you though why you never trusted him in the first place? had he given you reason not to trust him? The fact that your mum has recently died will make you even more vulnerable too. In what situation was he when he cheated on you? was he at a party and under the influence of alcohol? if not and went out of his way to see this other person then there are no excuses. Once a cheat, always a cheat is what some people may say but its only you that can decide whether or not to take him back, can your heart take any more?
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reader, loveless_2008 +, writes (7 July 2005):
No you are not a fool. If you love him, then you take him back. But if you feel like he cannot be trusted, then let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2005): If you love him you should know what you need to do. But sometimes love can get very confusing. Trust is the foundation for a good relationship and if you don't have trust, you don't have anything. However, if you think that you can learn to trust him which is unlikely since you didn't trust him in the first place, take him back. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's right for you
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reader, Milly +, writes (7 July 2005):
Aww you poor thing. The thing is angel if he has done this now at six months what’s going to stop him in a few years time? If you don't trust him now, do you think you ever could knowing what he has done to you? If you haven’t got trust what have you got? Dealing with a loss of a loved one must be horrific and for him to do this to you now shows what kind of a person he is. I know you must feel like your heart is being ripped out but it's better to find out now than later. At the end of the day angel it's up to you and if your friends really loved you they would stand by you no matter what. Don't worry about what other people think just worry about what is best for you, because you’re the only one that matters.My love goes out to you X
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