A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with the guy I was dating with because of his ADHD. We were together for 2yrs but over the time it got progressively worst. For instance, he constantly breaks things at my place because he is not paying attention to what he is doing, constantly makes a mess whenever he visits and I have to clean up after him, he is always excessively forgetful (such as we could be in a restaurant and I would send him to get ketchup, and he would walk back without it because he has forgotten or he may forget to lock my door so we end up sleeping at nights with unlocked doors), he has no motivation / drive: he has not worked for nearly a year now, he is doing nothing with his life. Every day he speaks about all the things he is going to do, but he makes no progress about doing anything. Every day he sits and stares at the laptop or gets distracted so easily when there are important things he needs to be doing.I have tried to speak to him endlessly about things, but he always gets very defensive or argumentative. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong and has lots of other good qualities. But he is younger than me and I feel I am at a stage where I want more stability and someone I can rely on. I feel like his mother - like I have to do a lot of things for him or help him or cant depend on him to do simple things. IF he does something I will have to double check afterwards. Such as lock the door as I said. I have done SO much for him. A lot of basic stuff perhaps most gf's will not have to do.He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ADD since he was about 10yrs old. He has seen many many therapists etc about it. He is on medication for it, but of course the medication is expensive and it helps but then when it wears off (which it will at some point in the day) he goes back to being normal. And he can not go over the dose by taking more when it runs out. He has tried different medicines and doses over the years before finding one that "works" but of course, it only works for a certain time. He doesn't like taking the meds though because he has a host of other unpleasant side effects. As I said, he has tried different ones over many years. He obsesses about his diet so he know how food affect him, but part of the ADHD I think it he is one extreme to the other. SO one minute he is a super health freak, the next minute binge eating. OF course he is constantly reading up on it, but then he loses focus or something or as with most things, never quite sees things through.Does this make me a bad person? I find that now when I think of our relationship I feel there are no good memories and it has affected me badly in a lot of ways in terms of the stress, lack of support and depression I felt while I was with him. He does not seem to understand and lashes out blaming me. We are still in touch and he has become very needy / co-dependant towards me. I feel bad to just abandon him as he has no friends or family here.THanks
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 No, it does not make you a bad person. On the contrary it makes you a reasonable and intelligent person. Too many people get sucked into this cycle and end up miserable.
I never bought into the ADD/ADHD thing. The mental health industry is constantly 'discovering' new illnesses they want us to pay them to treat and they haven't been able to cure a single one.
Your boyfriend's problem is his behaviour, not his brain chemistry.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (2 August 2013):
Well, life isn't always fair, but you're not his babysitter, and your relationship wasn't a charity case.
The goal for most people should be to find someone who you're compatible with, happy with, and who'll make a good parent if you want kids eventually.
That may mean a couple of broken hearts, but it will probably be better for everyone in the long run.
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