A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My former best friend and I developed strange relationships with food around the same time. We’re still fairly close and text talk frequently, but we trigger each other whenever we see each other in person. She’s hospitalized at the moment, and has an eating disorder diagnosis. I’m not sick, but she’s so thin that whenever I see her I end up not eating for says to try to make up for the difference in our weights. Our friendship was unhealthy way before she was diagnosed, so I don’t feel like her Ed is the reason we can’t be friends anymore... the timing is horrible, I just can’t do this anymore. I still love her and want to protect her from her abusive relationships, but I cant do this anymore and how on earth do I end this friendship without hurting her? Am I bad person for needing to be far away from her?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2020):
 You know it's unhealthy so does she. Making distance from each other doesn't mean you don't care, it just means you CHOSE to focus on your OWN issues and not carry yours AND hers and buckling from the "weight".
You can care for someone but not be healthy around them.
You can't fix HER issues for her. That is up to her. Same for you to get help and focus on you.
That doesn't make you a bad person.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 July 2020):
 You say it yourself: your relationship was unhealthy even before the ED was diagnosed. The fact that you refer to her as your "former best friend" and only really communicate via text, would indicate you have already started to distance yourself from her. There will never be a good time to end a relationship, especially when one or both parties suffer from mental health issues. Perhaps it would be easier for you to just keep distancing yourself until your friendship reaches a point where you have next to no contact? If you want to make a clean break however, you need to understand why you are doing it and stand by that decision. You should never ever feel guilty about doing what is best for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): I think I really have more to advise.
You are not a bad-person for trying to save yourself. In life, you will learn sometimes that is what you have to do when people become toxic, or a bad-influence on your life.
The value of a friend rests on how they uplift your life; and what they contribute that makes your life better. When they literally start to make you suffer; then the friendship has to end. Don't over-value your importance in her life; she will survive with or without you. Assuming your are her only life-line might be dramatizing it a bit.
If you have to put distance between you, keep it in-mind that you are doing it because you have to save yourself.
You don't want to end-up in a hospital or fighting an eating-disorder for the rest of your life. You have your studies, dating, and other things to enjoy. She will get the help she needs from the people who loves her besides yourself. You will not be her only friend in the world; and to think so might be bordering on being conceited. You may mean a lot to her, but never think anyone's life depends on keeping your friendship. That's a huge weight to carry around when you're only 18-19!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): You have to learn when to let-go of unhealthy connections with people. Her eating-disorder is having a psychological-affect on you; and this is very common among young women who are connected with other girls who have an eating-disorder. Your parents should be taking notice of these things.
You have no responsibility for her behavior; that's what her parents and her doctors are for.
Your parents should be noticing how this is impacting your mental-health and well-being; otherwise, you are going out of your way to avoid letting them know. That's exactly how ED is passed-on from one young-girl to the next. Right under everyone's noses.
Sweetheart, your friend has a family and her own parents. You are not related, you are a by-stander. The fact is, you have a choice; but your are assuming a responsibility that is way over your head. It's so far over your head, it's causing you to develop your own issues about eating!
You should not be keeping things like this from your parents. That worries me tremendously about teenagers! They go to strangers on the internet; and avoid communicating with their own parents. If you live in the same house, and you see them everyday...why haven't you spoken to them about how you feel?
Like your friend, will they have to hospitalize you before they realize how serious things have been for you?
Family-support and their awareness of what's happening to you is critical. They might be able to intervene before things get out of hand. We are here anytime you need some advice; but you need to open-up to the people who know and love you. They are closer than we will ever be. No advice we can give will be better than anything your own parents can do for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2020): It’s a shame that your friend is ill, but also a good thing she is in hospital and getting some help.
I understand you want to be a supportive friend and want to help her. But you also have to look after yourself too. You are not a bad person for wanting to end your friendship. You have to do what’s best for
You. Her problems are not your responsibility.
The important thing here is you cannot help her. She needs professional help that hopefully she is getting in the hospital. Friendships like this usually end up being toxic. You will become her go to person and she will become dependant on you and it will drain you.
If I were you I would be honest with her. Tell her that being her friend at the moment Is not healthy for you. Tell her you hope she gets better and you hope you can become friends again in the future and wish her the best.
It’s not going to be easy and she may be angry with you, but as she gets older and hopefully better, she will begin to understand.
In the meantime, I would suggest getting some help for your relationship with food too. Although you may not have a typical eating disorder per say, the fact that someone who does triggers you to feel bad about yourself is a red flag.
You will come across other women in your life that are thinner than you, you need to make sure this doesn’t become a habit and trigger something worse in you.
Your life and your health should come first. Good luck
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