A
male
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:For this anonymous letter I am Calvin and my girlfriend is Susie. Like the real Calvin and Susie from the Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, Susie and I have always lived in the same neighborhood. Unlike the cartoon Calvin, I have always liked girls and had a crush on my Susie. Unfortunately, Susie was a little older and out of my league. We hung out growing up with each other as neighborhood friends. We are now 14 and 16 and I am finally taller. I had asked her out many times before (with several epic fails that will not be shared in this message). Finally, she was sweet but said not until I was in high school (to put me off for a while). But, true to her word, eight months ago just before school started she let me take her on date. It went pretty good and I guess it was not a fail because to our own amazement we have become a steady couple. It has been an epic eight months. I personally know for sure in my bones I am really really really (three really’s) in love with her and I think she sort of may be falling in love with me now that she finally gave me a chance. She could be dating anyone in our school. She is that hot. We are talking hot as lava on fire (which is hot). But the main thing is how she makes me feel so awesome inside. She introduces me everywhere as her “boyfriend” which makes me feel like a stud. She comes to all my basketball games and even does her homework in the bleachers during a lot of practices. I always have to run extra suicides each time the coach catches me looking in her direction instead of paying attention. It is worth it even thought I end up a total exhausted mess after practice. She offered not to come to practices but it means so much to me she is there. My brothers are all grown and don’t live nearby, my dad works insane hours for our family, and my mom has bad health – so no one can come to my games or practices, but Susie is always there. She also takes videos with her iphone of the parts of games where I get to play and shows them to my mom later and even texts them to my dad. She is also good about editing out the epic goof-ups. How awesome is that? I try to be a good boyfriend. I go to the mall whenever she wants as long as she wants and I just chill even if we spend hours there and she never actually buys anything. I even try on clothes I would never wear just cause she has fun making me wear random stuff. I am her year-round greenhouse slave every weekend helping her work at her parents business. The dad feels bad for not paying me because I work harder and do better work than their paid people (he said it to the mom who repeated it to Susie who told me), but I am too young to be on the payroll or whatever. The success of her family’s business is important to her, so it is important to me (and it does not hurt to make her dad like me). Plus they are nice people too and have known me my whole life. Unofficially, I get paid in kisses from Susie (usually on the cheek) plus winks and smiles from Susie (which I freaking live for). The dad accused me of “sucking up” to them with free work and I admitted that was totally true. Plus I get to show off and do “he-man” chores in front of Susie (that is what she calls them). Plus I get to learn a lot of Spanish just hanging around. Susie and her family are Cuban-American and I am plain old boring white American (mix of like 10 random white European things I don’t even know). But that is not really important to anything, except to say she is muy bonita.What I need help with is dealing with the whole virgin thing. Even before we dated I knew Susie was a hard core Catholic and she did not do premarital sex. Her dad has had some embarrassing talks with me where I was told to keep my hands to myself blah blah and how the lust of the flesh or something is inside me because of original sin and my hormones but I can resist temptation blah blah and he was taking a chance on me. I told him Susie was a good girl and even though I had lust in my heart like he said she would not put up with me if I was not a good boy so I planned on being good. He laughed and said “Bueno.” So he liked that I was in. Susie and I had the official talk when we started dating and I am super clear we are not going all the way (or even very far down the road). I can look down the road and think about the road and what could be at the end or even on the way, but we are not going there. LOL She and I will both remain virgins as long as we are dating (unless she marries me). She knows I cannot help wanting to have sex, but I promised I will respect her wishes 100 percent and not pressure her on that. She is very affectionate (ohh man), but she has very specific and definite boundaries and I am cool with that (no matter how I feel in the moment, she is worth it). In fact, it makes her even hotter in some way that she is so desirable but I have to be good anyway. I don’t know how to explain. I get turned on just holding her hand and smiling at each other. It is a little wacky Do I get horny and frustrated? All the freaking time! But she is totally worth it. And I am not just saying that. After all, I don’t know you people and this is anonymous. I can say anything I really think, right? I do not need help knowing how to behave with her. I can handle that part. The issue I have is about what other people know. Susie knew I did not necessarily want to be labeled an inexperienced virgin (especially around other athletes in high school). She also did not want to be labeled something bad as someone sleeping around (a word I will not say even though this is anonymous). So, by agreement, we were just vague with our friends saying that was “private” and not something we wanted to discuss. The problem was, that still left a cloud of gossipy doubt over her reputation like we were being evasive or something (like a criminal taking the fifth). She mentioned this before but I kind of blew it off because I was to into people thinking I might be a stud. But I realized she was right when I came back into the gym after showering (cause I am always last because of the suicides) and some of the upper classmen were talking to her and peppering her with questions about whether I was still a virgin and was I any good in bed and crap like that. She was obviously trying to be vague like we planned, but it was way awkward and she was obviously upset at being questioned and there being some question at her virtue versus my rep. After watching this for like 20 seconds from across the court (yeah I waited that long and she noticed it but not going to focus on that), I manned up and just said, “Dude, some people are worth waiting for.” It was like an epic rom com moment. There should have been music. She started crying because I basically outed myself as a virgin for her. I told them to “f--- off” and hugged her. I got a detention for cursing from the coach, who heard us because I was sort of loud in my big moment, but he gave me a smile and told me she was always welcome at practice. Thankfully, the seniors did not beat the crap out of me which they easily could have, but they did spread the story so now everyone knows I am a virgin and is talking about it. It is major social blowback. Some people are positive and giving her credit for keeping me in line (which she deserves). Some people are making comments I will not repeat. I can handle it I guess, but Susie says she feels guilty I am being teased and she is taking it worse than me. But I figure it would be worse if the rumor was the other way around and hurting her. I don’t know what she said to her parents but they came to several of my games with her after that and I was like trying not to cry when I saw them there supporting me. They are such good parents and I am glad they seem to like me. It was like another epic rom com moment.So, here is the big question though since this not a rom com movie and life goes on. How do you fight back against ignorant people who want to make you feel like a loser because you have not had sex even though you have a long term partner? Why does having moral values to wait on sex for religious or any reason or just respecting your girlfriend’s feelings on sex have to be like such a BFD? The interesting thing is we have gotten definite support from the people at our school who are seriously religious (I am not but I appreciate them) and the openly gay people (who kind of take the view you should not be shamed for anything). That was kind of an interesting thing and made me a little less phobic about the religious people and the gay people both, which is a good thing. It is like a weird alliance against jerks. I think we will be fine though because we have each other and the whole thing made us even closer. I would love any cool ideas though to make Susie feel good and know I have no regrets and to keep me from getting detention punching out people who make stupid comments (or getting beat up for that matter if I have to punch someone bigger or someone with a bunch of jerk friends). Thank you from both Calvin and Susie (but mostly me because she did not want anything to do with random stranger advice columns). P.S.: She thinks I was dumb to write this but is curious what you say so it can be advice for her too. She did make me edit out a lot of random stuff and told me this is still too long but I had fun typing this. She said to say I was worth “waiting for” too but I think she was just boosting me cause she is nice that way. Okay, now she said to say I am just like Justin Bieber except no tatoos, no cool haircut, no singing talent, and no billion dollars. See, she is hilarious too. I personally think I am way buffer than Justin. She also admitted she liked me when I was dorky neighbor kid, but said I was too stalkerish then and too short. I am pretty sure she is kidding, but who knows with girls.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2022):
 FA put it so great, I have little to add.
Some think being a Virgin or NOT a Virgin is some sort of badge of honor. YOU decide what it means to you.
There is NOTHINg wrong in CHOOSING to not have sex before you are ready or before you are CHOOSING to do so. Sex is a choice.
Seems like you and your GF are learning to focus on what is REALLY important in a relationship, and that is having each other's back, building trust, standing up for what you believe, and being the best YOU, you can be.
It's not easy for young people to withhold from sex. But it is VERY hard to live up to the responsibility that sex is.
No need to get into fights over your CHOICES. What YOU chose to do (like, not have sex) has NO bearing on them. It's your life, your choice here.
I think in some cases people who like to tease others about being a virgin are either A virgin themself, didn't have a great first-time experience, or are somewhat annoyed that they are not in control as you are.
Just learn to shake your head and move along, don't engage about the subject, it's NONe of their business.
You can't control how they act, what they say or think - you CAN control how YOU act and behave.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): Hello Wise Owl Sir. This is Calvin. Thank you also for your incredible message. I am glad you enjoyed reading the post. I tried to make it funny even though it was about some serious legit stuff. I am like amazed you took the time to share such a cool and meaningful reply. That you did that for us was really appreciated. We can tell you really thought about it and wanted to help. I totally loved how you explained I was the real alpha male even though they were thinking they were. Susie is teasing me now as her "alpha male" boyfriend. I was legit inspired by your call to be a leader and role model and I feel good about what happened even though we have the annoying blowback I mentioned. I laughed so hard when you talked about the jerks being "jokers" and a "flock of idiots." It really cheered me up like you were rooting for us for real. I think you made a good point about how some of these mean dudes may be virgins themselves. Some of them I don't see how a decent girl would even talk to them much less do more. You called them a pack and it made me think of hyenas which is a good comparison. I like being the lone wolf, as long as Susie is the she-wolf. You sort of made me think about what the coach did and did not do which I missed. I thought he was being cool with me. I do not know what he heard and did not hear before I shouted, but he did not ask either. That makes me a little mad. Susie said to be sure and thank you for your very strong profession of faith. We both appreciated it and it was a good way to explain how it can be tough standing up to other people for what is right. I totally agree with you Susie and her parents are wonderful people. I am still nervous some on keeping her dad's approval but it seems like he likes me so far. Susie's mom is an angel and always asks about my mom and when I was little she would give me red popsicles because she knew they were my favorite. They are like the good example of what a loving family should be like. Her older sisters are that way too and they are funny when they are all together talking fast and telling stories about when Susie and I were younger and I was her little puppy following her around (which is kind of true). Thank you also for honoring my parents with your comments. My dad does work hard and I appreciate him and I know he wishes he could be home more but a lot falls on his shoulders because of my mom's situation. I don't know how to help except do the chores my mom cannot do so he doesn't have to do them after work and I avoid asking him for money. It is cool you said something about my mom being gentle because that is so spot on right about her. I am not allowed to kill spiders even. I think maybe that is one of Susie's features I like so much too and maybe cause it makes her like my mom. I mean after all Susie could have kicked me to the curb a long time ago but she gave me a chance. As for the main deal, I wish I had been braver before about being a virgin and not pressured Susie to be vague about our status when people asked but I wanted to be a cool high school jock, but now I realize that was so stupid and I don't care about it anymore. I am not 100 percent happy to be the poster boy for chastity at my school for the moment but Susie is happy with me so that is all that matters. My freshman teammates are still good buddies and support us but most of the seniors are total sphincter muscles in my opinion. Also, you are right, some of the girls are worse than the boys on things they say to Susie. So much for girl code. Thanks for pumping me up, encouraging me to be mature, and offering some spiritual insight. Susie appreciates your positive feedback and the very nice things you said about her parents. Your message made us both happy I posted. Thank you for being a good guy helping people out with advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): I enjoyed reading your post "Calvin!" It's refreshing to hear from a cool everyday ordinary-guy. It seems you've found yourself a jewel of a lady, and she comes from a background of good morals and principles. Her parents trust and like you; and that my young friend, is a major accomplishment; considering what many guys your age are like. To be the kind of young man that you are, that is a reflection of also coming from a good upbringing. A father who sets a good example by a good work-ethic; but some of him had to rub-off on you to be the way you are, not to exclude the gentleness in spirit that your mother has contributed to your overall personality.
Now lets get-down to business. You are more of a man than any of those jokers who made fun of your virginity. For one thing, how do you know if they're really not virgins? Most of them only claim they've had sex, because they want to look cool; but they can't offer you proof. Even if they could get a girl to admit they had sex, how would you know she wasn't lying for his sake, or because he threatened or bribed her to??? Big deal if they did! It was probably clumsy and goofy, they didn't know what they were doing. Teasing is meant to shame and humiliate. How does that make them more of a man than you?
You want to know what real strength and maturity is? Standing-up for those too weak to fight for themselves, knowing what is right and not being afraid to say it; not being a follower, but a leader. Guys run around in their little packs, picking on people who are weaker or smaller; thinking somehow it makes them look bigger. It's a great way to make yourself look stupid! You've seen from your own perspective how untrue that thinking really is. Standing-up for your girlfriend's honor when she is being gaslighted and bullied by poor examples of manhood made you the Alpha-male in the situation. You stood-up in spite of your size, you didn't back-down to bullies, and you made sure she was safe; but they had to say something so they wouldn't look like total jerks. Even if you weren't a virgin, if the pack wants to put out rumors about you, how could you stop them? What kind of a man intimidates women anyway? Cornering her like that! Why did the coach let them off for that, and punish you instead? His wink was no excuse. In my opinion, he handled it badly. He didn't question or investigate what was happening; or he knew, but let let the boys be boys. That didn't make it right. This was an opportunity to be a role-model for his team, to show them how they should treat women. I guess you did well enough!
You are at the perfect age to learn the fundamentals of true leadership. People manipulate and control you by your fears or weaknesses; and the things they say about you. They make things up, and they keep you always tied-up in knots; and worried about what kind of rumors are going-around. If you can't stop them, what are you going to do? Go crazy? You have to grow a thicker skin, and you ignore 99.99% of them!!! You don't get physical; unless you or Susie are physically threatened. Guys will provoke you to get you kicked off the team, or in trouble at school. You have to keep a cool head, and wear your "armor" when you see that pack of jerks heading your way. You have their respect, but they will try to pretend they don't when the other guys are present. Being a lone-wolf has it's ups and downs. One thing for sure, it's good to feel free to do what you want to do; without playing follow-the-leader 24/7!!!
There is a stigma placed on virginity by modern society; as if you're less of a person because you haven't experienced the pleasure of sex, or prefer to abstain. Your time will come, but it's not up to the pressures and teasing of a flock of idiots to decide when something is right for you; and when the right time has come. Over a lifetime, you will meet and fall in-love with girls who will not offer you sex before marriage. You've met your first.
Let me site you an example about life. I am a Christian. The minute some people hear that; they just assume I will judge them, start condemning them for who they are or what they do; and they think I'm some kind of undereducated unscientific pea-brain for believing in some mythical invisible Deity in the sky. Jesus warned us that unbelievers will consider what we believe to be nonsense and ridiculous. I was taught all my life by my parents to be kind, considerate of others, to be charitable; but to think like Jesus, but leave vengeance and judging people up to the Lord. According to the scriptures in the Bible, I can call-out evil when I see it. I can rebuke or contest what I know is wrong! I can correct my fellow Christian, when he or she is off the path; but God takes care of dealing with haters and unbelievers. I will be called a holy-roller, zealot, do-gooder; or whatever, and made fun of. Some might even attack me! I've had to deal with that all my life. I have seen miracles happen in my own life, and I've had tons of prayers answered, and I've been blessed. God is real, and He has strengthened my faith enough to help me deal with whatever unbelievers throw at me. The sweetness and kindness you see in Susie and her family are divine pieces of God. God put a little piece of Himself in everyone; which is why anyone can do something good, even if they don't believe in God. That's why He tells us to be good to even people who are bad to us; because even they hold some of Him within them.
People get confused when Jesus tells us to love our enemies, thinking He means snuggly-cuddly-kissy love; that means be kind and gentle towards all people, and that is considered showing them God's love. That doesn't mean be a fool and let them take advantage or abuse you. You step away and put distance between you and those who wish to harm you; but God will make a circumstance that they may be at your mercy. It will shame them.
It's never popular to do the right thing, or to honor the word of the Bible. Your girlfriend will face the same teases and attacks coming from other girls. People think you consider yourself better than they are; if you won't do every scroungy-lowlife thing they'll do. You're not better than anyone by doing what you know is right; by the grace of God, you are just being strong enough to resist doing unnecessary wrong. You make good choices, and you improve the outcome of your life; and because you make better choices, and you make a strong distinction between right and wrong. People want you to believe you can stay in a gray-area and do wrong; and because God is nice, and He forgives it. That is true, but He also wrote a Holy Book of rules to follow. It's our choice to read and follow it. If you believe in an afterlife, your choices determine where you'll end-up in that afterlife. God won't force anything on us. We are free to choose. Just like you are free to be the man you want to be. Treat women with respect. Love your girl for who she is. Respect when she says "no." Don't allow people to push you to do things you're not ready to do, don't want to do, or God has specifically told us not to do as Christians.
The thing about teasing and harassing people about their virginity is, eventually all rumors and tales grow old and boring. New victims and rumors replace them. Your 15-minutes of fame will fade, and a new star will rise! With the exception of a few diehards who are relentless, and can't let a dead-dog lie. Bear this in mind; this is usually a clear indication they've got something to hide, and they are using you to divert attention away from themselves and towards you. Girls have a hymen as evidence they have not had vaginal-sex; boys only have stories and fables to tell about their virginity. They can claim they've lost it, and can't prove it. If they say they are not virgins, what solid proof can they present that will convince everyone they aren't? All they've got are claims and stories.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): Hello Sir, this is Calvin. Thank you for the fatherly advice. It was cool someone responded. I will show it to Susie too. I thought it was a very nice message. I will not be violent because it is wrong and I will get kicked off the basketball team if I become a behavioral problem. I got depressed when I thought about Susie graduating and me being alone in school but you are right that will happen some day. I was sad thinking about you think me marrying her someday is not realistic but I think you are right about the religion thing. She wants me to go to Mass with her and maybe I should try it. I would do anything for her and maybe it would be good for me to at least learn about what they believe and stuff. I love how you said Susie was my addiction which is so true but a healthy one and she is focused on her faith. I think you pegged us pretty good. I don't like the advice about her not coming to my practices but I understand your point. I think she would be okay not coming it is more me missing her. That was the toughest part of what you said for me. I am blown away though that you took the time to think about our specific situation and give us some legit encouragement and positive feedback. You made me think about some stuff and I feel good about reaching out even if no one else replies. Thanks for being a fatherly advice-giving dude.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 April 2022):
 Hi Calvin,
having a good look at your relationship, I think you are doing very well. It is age and religion appropriate, with one exception. Suzie should not be hanging out at basketball practice. Your Coach is right there, you should be concentrating on your sport, and Suzie should allow you the space to do have that hobby outside of the relationship. Yet, it is typical for young women to try to fill all of their boyfriends time.
Second, you should put thoughts of marriage out of your mind. Considering the age and religion disconnects between you, it is not a likely scenario. But your relationship is a good and healthy place for you to be now.
As to the virginity and the social feedback. Well that is teens being teens. It is hard for the initiated to imagine a life that doesn't include sex. It is hard for the uninitiated to imagine a life including sex. Right now you and Sue have decided together to live a chaste life, and that is your sexuality at this time. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy with it. That should be the attitude you project to your naysayers. This is what we are! We do not need to be something else.
If you look back to my age there was a song by a punk band , Adam Ant, called "Goody, Two shoes" it explains from the outside the feelings your peers have. They think that because you don't have their addictions (sex, and in the song alcohol and tobacco) that you must be hiding some other addiction. in the case of Suzie that other thing that fills her time is religion, and in your case it is your devotion to Suzie, and her happiness. These obsessions' you have are foreign to your peers and they don't understand them. In time they will gain enough experience to get it, but for now you are different.
I want to council you to avoid violence. It is not a solution to your problem, and it is not necessary for you , in order to stand your ground. the most attractive thing you can do is to have and enforce your own boundaries. your, Non-negotiable, Unalterable, Terms. When you declare and enforce your boundaries, you get respect.
When Suzie, Graduates, and moves on to university, you will need that respect to finish out high school. Build it now, and you won't have to fight for it then.
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