A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been fighting constantly about everything but our last fight earlier today made me question if I'm making the right choice to marry him.I guess I'm looking for an outsiders view as to weather or not I should continue to pursue this engagement. I should explain my fiancé is unable to drive so I drive him everywhere that he wants to go, no matter the distance he does pay for gas but not without a fight, he doesn't thank me for taking him to these places.Our fight earlier started when my younger sister asked if just her and I could hang out which I already knew would be a problem with my fiancé; he doesn't let me hang out with other people without him present.He says things like "let me know how he is" and "tell him I said hi" even when its just me and my sister. He slams doors in my face and throws my things around. Today I finally stood up for my self and told him unable for us to work I need to be trusted and respected, he then after me crying and explaining myself told me he was sorry. I figured everything would be ok. Now he's back to yelling at me and saying how I'm a cold heartless b.... he doesn't let me hang out with friends without guilt tripping me out of wanting to go then tells me to go which I dont because I feel horrible. I had a seizure a couple days ago first one ever and I've gotten nothing but grief since then how he saved my life and I should be thankful...I guess my question is am a making a bad choice in marrying this man? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2014):
 BREAK THE ENGAGEMENT.
End the relationship and go NO CONTACT. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN BE CIVIL OR FRIENDLY WITH HIM.
He may escalate and stalk you or harass you so be prepared to take legal action to protect yourself.
He is being abusive to you. It's mental and emotional abuse to accuse you of cheating and control you and your actions. He calls you names and he manipulates you. This may escalate later on to physical abuse later on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2014): I agree with everyone. Your best bet is to break it off. I'm afraid he'll get physically abusive and not just posessive. One thing is to feel hurt or jealous if you're seeing people of the opposite sex but this is your sister. It's absolute insanity!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2014):
 Yes, VERY bad choice in marrying him!
You think he is controlling now? It will only get worse. You can't hang out with your SISTER? And you LET him make that choice for you? WHY? Why does he get to decide who you can hang out with? She is family.
And I have to agree with Mark, it's NOT a healthy relationship, it's sick.
He is isolating you and treating you like dirt and YOU worry if YOU made a mistake wanting to see you sister?
He "saved" your life? And that comes with the price tag that you are now his slave?
Girl you need to get a grip and get away from him. The man is a sicko.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 September 2014):
 My answer is ...YES! you're making an error in judgement that could plauge you forever...don't do it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): In the uk a young woman was in a relationship like this, it got to the point where her partner thought she was cheating even if she wanted to see her mum. He ended up killing her. I don't mean to frighten you, but this is not a healthy relationship and has all the warning signs things will only get worse. Once married he will quite likely think he owns you, and stop you from doing anything, although it sounds like he's doing that already.A man doesn't let you see your own sister? What will it take for you to realise he is a complete madman - get out of there and stay somewhere safe. Do not tell him where you are staying. Take as much as you can with you and try not to leave anything you won't mind not seeing again. In the uk we would treat this as domestic violence and you could report it to the police, he is harassing, controlling and working for the police it is a pattern I see far too often prior to women being physically hurt by their partners.Get out of the there.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (21 September 2014):
 Why on earth are you in this situation with this guy? Why on earth are you considering committing to this for a lifetime? This isn't a relationship, its a dictatorship!!
He treats you like a servant - expects you to act as a taxi service to suit him "(Snap of the fingers) drop everything and drive to so and so", he slams doors in your face, yells at you, throws things around (which will most likely become worse and full on abuse with time) and he dictates who you can and cant be friends with and can or cant hang out with.
I have had partners who don't drive, yet I wouldn't drive them here, there and everywhere. Im a boyfriend not a chauffeur. You drive him around, let him rule and control you and in return he calls you a heartless bastard? Really? Sounds a real right charmer this bloke doesn't he!
He saved your life (presumable it was a matter of ringing the ambulance and/or stopping you falling on your back to stop you choking) and now he is using that as an excuse to control you even more by saying you "Owe" him. You don't owe him anything.
You have become a prisoner, he is a control freak who controls you. You are his puppet and he pulls the strings.
Men like him are incapable of trust or respect. His insecurities make him control you, be suspicious of you and the fact he is already throwing things around and yelling suggests that with time, and indeed commitment, he may well move on to physical abuse. Nobody who ends up in a physically abusing relationship ever thinks their partner would do such a thing, but this is how it starts.
The issue is that this has gone on so long and you have let him control you so much that now you are "questioning" rather than seeing this farce for what it really is. You sound quite naïve, and have clearly lost a sense of reality here. This is very common in women in this situation. Men like him look for partners who are easily controlled and manipulated and don't have maybe the self esteem or the experience to see what is truly happening.
Do you think marrying him will improve things? Make him change? IT WONT! Men never change because they get married. This situation wont change, other than for the worse. Once he has you in a legal and binding contract (ie wedlock) he will have yet more control over you and will ensure you are even more isolated.
I bet if you think back to before meeting this guy you felt a thousand times better BEFORE this relationship and had so many more opportunities and friendships? He is abusing you emotionally and is both a passive aggressive and now becoming physically threatening.
Its also important to understand that YOU have your own life, your own voice, your own mind. You say he doesn't let you hang out with friends and then you feel guilty about it? Classic case of a controlling, passive aggressive relationship: he makes you feel guilty for things you have every right to enjoy. Why should you feel guilty or apologetic about seeing friends or family? He has you cut off so much you are right where he wants you - thinking about him, him, him.
You need to get out of this situation as you cant be happy for goodness sake! He wont ever change and look at how his apology and tears went straight back to his old ways.
Mark
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