A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,So I commonly start dating people and fall for them. And they don't want to be my boyfriend, but instead my lover. In the recent instances of this, it is because they don't feel as strong a connection with me as they have previously felt with other people, and while "I'm amazing," there's not a future for us.These relationships aren't just physical. In all instances I've met parents upon their asking, I've gone on trips together, I've basically been 'acting girlfriend.' But after three months, they decide that I'm not girlfriend material (or something).The fact is, there is a type of man who consistently thinks I am girlfriend material - men who are more mature, career-oriented (like me), less adventurous, but with this type, I generally become bored fast. I am not ready to settle for this, but with my track record of boyfriends and not lovers, I'm afraid this is my eventual fate.I'm 26 and clearly still have a lot of time but I am not sure how many more of these lover only relationships I can take.I do everything right as far as I can tell - take things slow, don't push situations, etc. But still I'm a chronic lover - and never a girlfriend - at least not with the people I want to be with.Any suggestions? What am I doing wrong?-The Lover Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Incandenza +, writes (16 January 2016):
Stop being so attached to the way you think things should be and learn to enjoy experiencing them as they are. The truth is that being the girlfriend will not necessarily make you happier than being the lover.If you are spending time with a man, and it brings you joy, then leave it at that. If the relationship is not bringing you joy, then you should end it. Worrying about titles and what things need to be in the future is irrelevant if you are currently happy. The next thing you must do is communicate your wants and needs. If you feel happiest in a committed, serious relationship and casual relationships do not make you happy, then you must communicate that that is what is what you are looking for. If a man is viewing your relationship as casual, and it's making you unhappy, then end it and move on. Sometimes, it just takes time to find the right person for you. There's no reason to assume there's anything wrong with you. In the meantime, if you are communicating and your relationships are making you happy, there's no need to fret about what title a man wants to give you or dwell on any past heartbreaks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Looks as though you jump right into relationships and fall quickly which kind of kills the chase for a man. They like it at first but then it wears off because they didn't have to really earn anything or work to get you. The first three months of a relationship should be them getting to know you and anticipating the next time they see you and not being sure how you feel about them, keeps their interest and excitement level up. They don't feel any connection with you because you don't allow it happen, what's given away so easily is seen has having low value. Try an experiment: wait a few months before falling for the person you are dating and let them chase you and wine and dine you, get to know you. Like you said about the mature guys seeing you as a girlfriend. I would describe those guys as more simple, predictable types. Isn't that what you are? Doesn't take much, you just follow a pattern and settle right in to whomever you date within a couple of months. Like attracts like. The way you describe these guys is how the guys you like feel about you: like a comfortable glove that fits yet there's no chemistry and they don't want to settle for that.You'll be more interesting to the right kind of guys once you learn to let them figure you out slowly, like unwrapping a precious gift, not quite knowing what's inside but they know it's going to be valuable.You say you take things slow but from what you've described, hardly!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): What your doing wrong is sleeping wth them. Like I'm not saying to never have sex woth them but don't have sex so easy. Ever heard the saying who's going to buy the ice cream truck when your giving away the ice cream for free? No man will want to commit when you give them what they want that easy. Guys break it down this way... There's girlfriend material and the "other" kind of material (bootycall or "lover" a you call yourself. If you want a man to commit hold out a little longer so tney don't loose interest in you that easy.
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