A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a long question here, but I'll try to be concise:My girlfriend has said some things over the last month that have made me very suspicious of her and some of her male relations. For context: She has a lot of male friends, who are all either people she has dated, people who have had a crush on her, or people who still have crushes on her. I've met one of the guys, and I thought he was nice enough, though he has hit on her recently and more or less did so at the party where I met him and in the invitation to it. She also still saves some text messages from this guy. There's another guy who has liked her for ages, who she's told she doesn't want to be in a relationship with, who she's still close friends with, though she avoids mentioning me to him (he knows that she has a boyfriend and has invited me to come with her to events that he has invited her to, but she doesn't want to mention me to him because she thinks it will hurt his feelings).However, I can deal with all that. The following is more problematic for me: She's still friends with both her serious exes, moreso with her last ex than her first. She broke up with her last ex four years ago after he cheated on her by having a 3-month long affair (which she says she thinks he never felt guilty about) but in addition to keeping in regular phone and e-mail contact with him, she had a casual sex relationship with him over at least the last year. It ended when he left the country for a few months. She still wants to see him and hang out with him, and she wants me to be okay with her seeing him and staying with him out of state (potentially out of country), to which I said no way, after which she more or less emotionally blackmailed me by telling me that if I wasn't willing to let her eventually do that, it would become a problem for her. She did, however, ultimately agree not to see him for as long as I had a problem with that.Some time after this conversation, I told her about one of my exes cheating on me by having unprotected sex. Her reply was "if you ever sleep with someone else, use a condom," to which I said "I'm not going to sleep with anyone else" and then I told her "don't sleep with anyone else." Her reply to that was "I can't 100% guarantee I'll never sleep with anyone else," which she maintains was a completely literal statement (in which case I have to admit that that's kind of true... There's always some small chance), but I still think it was a messed up thing to say. Given that statement, her profusion of male friends, and her desire to see her ex, I started to become very suspicious of her. The ex came back into the country, and didn't call her or let her know where he was or was going to be, though they've been in fairly regular e-mail contact and he owns a house in the area. Being suspicious, I checked her phone and saw that even though he hadn't tried to call her, she had tried to call him, but he hadn't picked up (the call was too short). I asked her later if she had tried to call her ex since he got back, and she looked me straight in the eyes and told me no. I knew that was a lie, but I was willing to let it slide on account of the fact that she hadn't talked to him and otherwise she seemed to be reassuring me of things. However, the other night I checked her phone again because she showed me her old saved texts and I didn't see the guy's name, so I thought she'd deleted his old messages and I thought that was odd so I wanted to check it. Not only did she not delete the guy's messages, but she also changed his name in her phonebook so I wouldn't know who he was when he called, but more importantly, I also saw that she had called him again and had a fairly long conversation with him. That happened the same day I asked her if she had tried to call her ex, a few hours before that conversation.My questions are as follows:1.) What are her motives here? Why does she cling to this guy so much and want to contact him and keep him close even though he clearly doesn't seem interested in contacting or seeing her?2.) If she's willing to lie to my face about something she did only hours ago (and very believably, I might add), how can I trust her about anything else?3.) Even though she's assured me she has no interest in sleeping with the guy, I think this is very odd behavior - do you think there is any chance things are more than what she says they are?4.) Just general feedback.Sorry for the really long question - I'm really in love with this girl and very fond of her and aside from these issues she's great; very smart, funny, generally reasonable, and can be very sweet and loving, and even though my instinct here is to end it immediately I would like to be able to salvage things.
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affair, broke up, condom, crush, has a boyfriend, her ex, my ex, she has a boyfriend, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Google "The Ladder Theory". Thank me later.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): If you are looking for a wife or very long term girl friend then this is a good rule to follow: if she looks at other guys, flirts with other guys, wants to travel with ex's, does anything that would make you question her loyaly then she is not wife/GF material.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I agree with hotmommanell!
It makes sense that you are suspicious.
There's likely nothing you can do to change her mind.
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A
female
reader, hotmommanell +, writes (1 December 2009):
My answers are as follows: 1.) What are her motives here? Answer: Who gives a flying f* what her motives are?2.) If she's willing to lie to my face about something she did only hours ago (and very believably, I might add), how can I trust her about anything else? Answer: You can’t.3.) Even though she's assured me she has no interest in sleeping with the guy, I think this is very odd behavior - do you think there is any chance things are more than what she says they are? Answer: See question two and my answer.4.) Just general feedback.Here it goes: this girl is a lying skank, sorry. But beyond that, you are uncomfortable with her behavior. The real question is, can you live with the porkfest that is her social life? I don’t think you can, which is why you’re writing to us about it. My advice is to find someone with a lot less baggage. And for next time, platonic friends are fine – but they are not like same sex friends. The rules are just different. Rule #1 Boundaries. That means you should ALWAYS come first and there should be absolutely no secrecy.You should immediately meet and know about her guy friends and feel comfortable about them. She should not be spending inordinate alone time with these dudes, and should be willing to talk about time she does spend with them away from you. Rule #2 No exes. PERIOD. Always be suspicious of a girl who has exes lurking in the background. Unless it is an ex-husband with whom she has children, there’s no need for an ex to be in the picture. Even if it is the ex-husband contact should be limited to discussions about children. No significant other should have to feel in competition with a zillion same-sex friends. You deserve better.
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