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anonymous
writes:Last week I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend's child. I'm 5 weeks in, and I've been going out with my bf for just over 9 months. I'm to say the least.... totally devastated. This was a complete accident and neither of us ever had any intention to have a child, not for a few years. I've been lucky- my boyfriend is supportive and is no different towards me compared to before we found out, my best friend who i told is understanding and my manager at work is too. But the thing is, I can't bear to talk about to any of them. I feel as if I talk about it too much, I'll scare the first two away and seem really unprofessional at work. The last thing I want is to lose people/ have awkward work environment. I can't tell my mum either as she would be so angry and disappointed in me. I don't know who to talk to about it- I cry when I'm alone most nights, not as a pity party but because I spend all day acting as if everything's fine around my family and then hide most of my feelings from the people who know, when in fact it's not okay as I feel sick most days and I've recently got mouth pain too and painful bloating which is most likely other side effects from the pregnancy. I have to carry on at work as if everythings normal too. I'm exhausted basically. Hiding it has taken it's toll a bit. I will have an abortion in 3 weeks but in the meantime I have to manage this which is becoming increasingly difficult.I'd appreciate some advice, thank you. Please no judgements over my choice of an abortion. Both my boyfriend and I are adamant on having one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your responses, they've been really helpful and non-judgemental- I really appreciate that.
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female
reader, VioletVelvet  +, writes (9 December 2012):
Honestly , from my own expierence I can only give the best advice , and I think one should think about all of this before one puts herself in this situation . This website is for advice , not opinion unless one ask . So therefore I can not give my opinion on how I feel about your decision . But , what I can say is just take it day by day . Try to get the procedure done earlier , therefore you don't have to keep dealing with everything your dealing with . Some more advice to you is to talk to your mother , she may very well be disappointed , but if anything she should be a mother and be there for you, and help you , something my mother couldn't do . Good luck .
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Talk to your doctor and ask about support groups/therapist - this is a BIG deal and it WILL affect you, especially emotionally.
I had a miscarriage when I was in my early 20's - it wasn't planned, I was on BC, we used condoms - I had planned to get an abortion because as it turned out my BF was a total douchebag and I just couldn't deal with college AND a pregnancy. The week before the scheduled abortion I miscarried and I felt so bad, because I felt it was my "fault".
I DID talk to my mom and she was awesome. 2 of my best friends had gone through abortions and we talked a lot about everything, that helped too. As well as seeing a counselor the ER doctor referred me to. To be honest though, it took me a good couple of years to get over.
You will go through some major hormonal swings too and those can make the depression seem worse so PLEASE find someone to talk to.
I'm pro-choice as well, so no judgement here either.
**hugs**
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reader, person12345 +, writes (8 December 2012):
 44% of women who get abortions are between 18-24. No one ever expects to get an abortion or hopes to, but unplanned pregnancies happen, abortions happen. You'll get through this.I hate to think of you dealing with this alone, I know I'd want someone to talk to. I think you'll find your friend and boyfriend are way more supportive than you give them credit for. If your boyfriend was struggling with something, you'd want him to come to you for help, wouldn't you? If he cares about you, and it sounds like he does, he'll want to be there for you and help you through it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. Yeah I know the statistic is 1 in 3 women which in all honesty did make me feel better when I found out- I just didn't expect it it be so soon thats all. I haven't even finished university yet.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (8 December 2012):
"It totally goes against the sort of person I see myself as. "
Then use this as an opportunity to help your views of this. 1 in 3 women has had an abortion. You should dig deep and figure out what kind of women you think gets an abortion, what is your stereotype of this? The reality is that there is no type. It is something that all groups of fertile women do. Religious women, wealthy women, educated women, all the groups that are portrayed as being "better than that," get them. I'm certain you know at least one woman who has had an abortion before and you just don't know it. Getting an abortion isn't wrong, it doesn't mean you made bad decisions, it doesn't mean anything at all about you or your character. It just means you are a normal fertile woman who is pregnant when she doesn't want to be, that's all it means.
There is nothing to feel bad about. Abortions happen far more often than gets talked about and have been happening since people realized they could (thousands of years). There is nothing to be ashamed of and I hate how a small group of people has managed to so thoroughly ingrain in the world that abortion is wrong or evil. Having an abortion isn't because you were stupid, made terrible decisions, or are a "slut" (whatever that word even means). You are just a woman who has gotten pregnant and isn't ready to be. If I was in your situation I would choose to do the exact same thing.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I guess the depression you have been in explains a lot why you have been so upset, as long as you are sure an abortion is what you want then that is okay, I would just hate for you to regret it later on. The thing is you know yourself you are not ready and you should not lose sight off who you are. But I hope in future that you will look in to birth control and use condoms to prevent anything like this happening again until you are ready. Also maybe it would benefit you to talk to someone about the depression as if you are unhappy maybe someone out there can help. There are professionals out there who are there to help you and you may need some counselling after the abortion so that you do not lose who you are or your direction in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I think you should go and see a counsellor just to make sure that this is what you want .. Once you abort the baby there is no way going back, that's it.. And I like the rest think there is more to the crying than your saying.. I'm not judging sweetie, and I have and friends who have aborted because they did not want the baby..Now when is the right time to have a baby? My mother said if we wait for the right time sometimes it has floated past us.. At the minute there is never going to be a good economically time, I'm sorry to say.. And I know having a baby is expensive I have three.. My first one was planned my second one 15 years later a shock and my last a lovely surprise.. With my last I wondered if I could cope, I'm turning 40 next march, our youngest is now 15 months . And I thought how is this going to work, I cried at night too, you see.. And I'm blessed to have her. I'm glad I thought it over..I don't think you should worry what your mum would think if you decided to keep the baby.. Us mother are very flexible.. If say your 17teen or younger and you were mine I would be a disappointed I will not lie, but I would work with you if you wanted the baby, that's my Job honey as its your mums, to support you through thick or thin.. Take these three weeks to really think about what you want and I would say, if you were mine I would want you to come and tell me if you were pregnant even if you did not want to have the baby I would still want to know.. Why.. So I could cuddle you close and tell you that's its okey, you didn't do anything bad sweetie, it's a natural thing pregnancy .. And be there for you and listen to you, and ease whatever fears you have.. And I bet your mum would want the same..Take care and if I could I would hug you myself..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank yo for your answers, they really mean a lot. I have been quite depressed for the past few months- so I am often upset at night when I'm on my own so I guess this is just the icing on the cake so to speak. I am 100% sure about the abortion- I'm not economically, socially or emotionally ready for a child and neither is he. I think the reason why I'm so upset is because I've always been very conservative and never in a million years thought I'd be in this sort of situation. It totally goes against the sort of person I see myself as. It upsets me because I feel like I've lost sight of who I am. ...I think.Thanks again for the replies.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Hang in there. Only 3 weeks left. They'll pass somehow.
And, do talk to your bf and best friend, that's what partners and friends are for .Not just to laugh with us during the good times, but also to support us through the bad ones. You won't lose them. If they care for you, they understand you are going through a rough ,emotional time and won't expect perfect self control and levelheadedness from you.
Do not talk about this instead at work, you are right, they may be understanding to a point, but it still unprofessional to focus about such a private question in the workplace.
I am pro-choice, I think that often having an abortion is still a better choice than bringing into the world an unwanted child that won't be received as joyfully and openheartedly as he/she would deserve , and may even be bitterly resented by the parents for the problems he brings into their life.
So, to me abortion may be an acceptable option, if the woman can take her decision freely . But, I am a bit perplexed, you seem so upset, heartbroken in fact. Are you not convinced about your choice ? Do you think you could perhaps have chosen differently ?... I would not want that, when you say " I and my bf are adamant about this ", you 'd mean that HE is adamant and you get along with what he wants,for fear of alienating him...
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 December 2012):
I know this is a difficult situation that you are in, but it is only three weeks so you need to just try and put on a brave face. Why is it that you are so emotional? If you are sure that it is an abortion that you want then that is fine, but do you know why it is you are crying at night? Are you really sure it is something you want to do.
It is good that you have your boyfriend and friend there for support and I think you need to talk to them more about how you feel. You will not lose them. As for work I would advise against talking about it there but you need to remember you have two people there who are willing to support you so talk to them, it will make you feel much better.
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