A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28, married two years to a wonderful man that I've been with for nearly 12 years. However, for the last 10 months I've found myself easily attracted to other men. I've never had this before, no-one has ever managed to attract my attention. But there are these 2 men that I find myself thinking about all the time. They have both told me they're really attracted to me. They're both married too. I felt it was safe to flirt with them because it would never lead to anything. But I know that if my husband ever found out the nature of my friendship with these men he would be really hurt. I feel incredibly guilty but I can't stop communicating with these guys because it's so exciting and gives me a huge confidence boost when I know I can turn them on. I wish I could just forget them and start planning a family with my husband. What is wrong with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): if you're finding yourself easily attracted to other men, you need to do two things, NOW. First, avoid spending time with other men. Don't tell yourself that you're just going to be "friends" with them, or that you're just getting to know them. That's bs. It's like how an alcoholic just shouldn't go to a bar. It's playing with fire, and not smart or in his long-term best interest. Second, spend some time thinking about what's missing from your marriage. Because something is missing. The grass always starts to look greener in other places right about the time that something isn't quite right at home. Maybe you've been feeling unappreciated. Maybe you haven't been investing the kind of time and energy into your marriage that you should have. Think about those things, and then try to address them.
what this writer posted is so perfect that i had to repost it...excellent! it couldnt be said any better, stay away from the temptation and reinvent ur marriage afterall there was a wild spark that ignited it in the 1st place...when u know the new people, chances are they wont even last 12years before u start looking for other men. stick to ur marriage, its all that matters.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): I'm really not trying to get anyone's back up about this, so hope this doesn't come across as really prissy, but I keep reading this "love is a verb therefore it's something we do". I just don't buy that. For starters, it's a noun as well as a verb. But also, just because it's a verb doesn't mean we have control over it in the way we can decide to "do" the washing or whatever. "To die" is also a verb, but that doesn't mean we can control how and when we die (unless we commit suicide!). So just because something is a verb doesn't mean we can control it, especially if it's something as intangible as love. You can't necessarily just decide to love someone if the love (noun in this instance!) has died.Anyway, despite that, I think the advice below is essentially wise and don't have much to add. I think it's quite normal to occasionally seek attention from elsewhere to boost your self-esteem. Although as the other anonymous female says, you have to question why you are seeking this all of a sudden. It does suggest that something is missing from your marriage (although it is very encouraging that you have not felt this way for the 12 years you have been together until now. That suggests you have had a very solid relationship). You just have to work at restoring whatever is missing. Once you have tried everything to do that and if you still feel this way, then you will have to start asking yourself more searching questions about the marriage. But I hope it won't come to that, and I don't believe it will.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (23 March 2007):
 This is going to sound pretty basic but I believe it. Love is a verb, it's something we do! So if your relationship with your husband is worth saving and what you really want then simply LOVE him. Forget these other guys. Tell him, show him and just do it. If you don’t feel like the relationship is working or it’s not what you want then either go to a marriage counselor and see if they can help or (in the worst case) break-up in an acceptable manner and evaluate what it is you want before you get into another relationship. Don't be tempted to have an affair, it's wrong and hurts too many people. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): well, nothing is wrong with you in the sense that you're perfectly human. something serious is wrong with you in the sense that you seem to be denying to yourself both the seriousness of what's happening here and the amount of control you have over the situation.
we all go through times where we feel less than our best, and having some interest from a third party is exciting. it makes us feel good. it's an ego stroke. that's okay, i think -- to enjoy it, just a little. the thing is, you've gone beyond enjoying it to actively encouraging it and seeking out more of it. it's not just that you appreciated that these guys found you attractive and then went home and channeled that improved self-esteem back into your marriage. instead, you've started to create this fantasy world in your head, and that is playing with fire. because fantasy is almost always better than reality -- it has none of the flaws of real life, and none of the trade-offs.
if you're finding yourself easily attracted to other men, you need to do two things, NOW. First, avoid spending time with other men. Don't tell yourself that you're just going to be "friends" with them, or that you're just getting to know them. That's bs. It's like how an alcoholic just shouldn't go to a bar. It's playing with fire, and not smart or in his long-term best interest. Second, spend some time thinking about what's missing from your marriage. Because something is missing. The grass always starts to look greener in other places right about the time that something isn't quite right at home. Maybe you've been feeling unappreciated. Maybe you haven't been investing the kind of time and energy into your marriage that you should have. Think about those things, and then try to address them.
Stay away from the guys, and focus on your husband.
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