A
female
age
26-29,
*rettygirl212
writes:My mother is starting to really depress me. I am an emotional person and all she does is argue with me because of my boyfriend. She swears i pick him over her, when in reality all she does is pick fights with us. She stays assuming things and it gets very frustrating. I under stand that she "cares" for me but she needs to lay back for a while. Im not a stupid girl, i know what im doing. My boyfriend and i been together for a year and 2 months, and its still hard for her to accept that were happy together. Every time im not home she calls me non stop!! it gets so annoying i feel like throwing my phone away sometimes , i wish she would realize that its my turn to live my life. All she knows how to do is criticize my boyfriend and I , she never has anything positive to say. By the way, im 16 about to be 17 , is there any advice you can give me to have her stop being over protective. Also , i tried to speak to her millions of times and she doesnt care of what i say or think. she thinks she always right. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, prettygirl212 +, writes (4 July 2012):
prettygirl212 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSpanner28 , i am an only child , My parents has been together for over 20 years, and met at 16, thats why i dont understand why they cant accept us. My mother acts very bi-polar, one day shes perfectly fine, the next day she brings hell. My father barley pays mind to what she says because she speaks so much nonsense, and makes arguments because shes Bored. My father has a very good paying job, therefore theres no need for her to work. Which means all her focus is on me. She never goes out to party, shes always shopping, or just home. I wish she would do more with her life, instead of just worrying about me. I tried to introduce her to some of my friends parents, but she really never makes plans with them.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Hi Prettygirl212
I think your mother has way too much time on her hands and she is putting all her focus into you.
Prior to your boyfriend she may have enjoyed more time with you. But now you are maturing and you are no longer her little girl.
You are now her daughter who is maturing into a young woman. Your mother is facing this change, but resisting this change.
Obviously your mother loves you and puts a great deal of her love and focus into you.
When you go out with your boyfriend be very clear about what time you will be home, and get home by that time.
But also advise your mother that you will need to turn your phone off while you are away enjoying yourself as her constant phone calls are destroying any chance to relax.
And at least once a month organise a shopping trip with your mother, even if it is to the supermarket. Just to spend one on one time with her. And turn your phone off during that shopping trip too, to ensure that you get some quality time with youe Mother. Make it her time. Try not to Judge. Try not to be negative. Try to be accomodating. If she wants to chooses plum jam and you would prefer strawberry then just put the plum in the trolley.
Do not give her an excuse to argue in the supermarket. it is undignified.
In effect you are doing some UPWARD-MANAGEMENT of your Mother to try to retrain her approach with some MENTORING of your own.
These are leadership things your mother should be doing.
But she is feeling insecure.
She is so worried that she is losing her beautiful daughter.
Yes, I know her insecurity is annoying and irrational. But she loves you so much, and you are so important to her.
And once a month ask your boyfriend if he will assist you to make a nice evening meal for you, your mother and your boyfriend. Make it easy, though something your Mother would like. How does bolognese sauce, pasta and an easy dessert sound? And you and your boyfriend insist on completely and carefully cleaning up the kitchen after the meal so it is spotless for your Mom. So she does not have to lift a finger. Put on a nice DVD for her while you clean up after the meal.
She needs to get to see the two of you interacting as the good responsible people you are. She feels she is losing you, yes. Well we do not bring up our children to be tied to our apron strings for the rest of their lives. We bring up children to be responsible caring good adults.
Able to behave honorably. Able to financially support themselves. Able to go into the world as a functioning able adult.
Let your Mother see how responsible you are becoming and maybe her attitude will slowly shift to her realizing that she too needs to widen out her focus to ensure that she develops some more hobbies, more interests.
But it is your Mother who has to come to her own realisation that you are now becoming more capable and that you are now not as dependant as you were when you were a very little girl.
Try to keep your Mother as an important part of your life. She is important. And when you have children you will appreciate her input and her support very much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): "By the way, im 16 about to be 17 , is there any advice you can give me to have her stop being over protective." OP. you don't mention your father. Is he in the picture? If not, then your mother may seem overprotective because she wants you to avoid making the same mistake she may have made: getting pregnant too young and being left to raise a child on your own after boyfriend bails, as most teenage dads eventually do. Spanner28, are you still with the guy who knocked you up at age 16 or 17, and if not is he involved in your child's life and/or paying child support? If he's an absentee deadbeat father, then that would go a long way in explaining why your mother still questions everything you do, as well as serve as a legitimate reason/example for OP's mother's seeming overprotectiveness.
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