A
male
age
41-50,
*cebecky
writes:my girlfriend of 6 months wants a break to concentrate on her son,i find this hard,we got together after we split with our long term partners,i was with my ex for 13 years,her with hers for 6 years,her relationship was very abusive and violent,her ex used to beat her up regularly while her son was around,i witnessed the bruises as i used to work in the same place as her.anyway we got together by chance meetin for coffee,then took it further,a month ago she told me she was in love with me and i said that i felt the same way,it not a rebound relationship,i truly believe in fate,and believe i found my soulmate,i have met her son who is four and he is a wonderful child,but two days ago she said that she needed time to spend it with her son as he seems to be finding it hard with all the changes,which i truly understand,she said it not over just needs the time to concentrate all her energy on her son.but why do i feel gutted by this,i do know that her ex calls and txts her constantly,but he cant get it in his head they are over,i been there when he called and she told him this.all i want is for us all including her son to be together as i believe that together we can work through this.help please
View related questions:
a break, her ex, my ex, soulmate, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, acebecky +, writes (27 September 2009):
acebecky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionheres an update on my situation,things with my girlfriend are going well,that well infact she asked if i would consider living with her and her son,i have my own house ans she to,but for cost wise it be a lot easier to move in with me,i still to give her an answer,i would love to do this as i love her very much,but the only problem is her ex man is still being a complete ass hole,that i feel like giving him a serious battering,but wouldnt do that,not want to lower myself to his level but he really angering me,i love my girlfriend and her son,but he still causing problems,need some help on this one please,dont know what to do.think it may be the fact that another man goin to look after his son,but the way i look at it he dosent deserve a say in this after what he done.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 It is normal, healthy and recommended that for someone leaving a long relationship, they have time on their own. She endured a lot of abuse and so did her son (even if it was not physically directed at him).
She needs time to heal and rediscover who she is and to forge a new relationship with her son based on healthier circumstances. I applaud her bravery and your support of this.
Something else to consider is that her son has been forced to witness his father abusing his mother. His loyalties were torn between loving his father and hating his actions. This is an IMMENSE load for a young boy. Having him view another man instantaneously as a father figure must feel confusing to him. He isn't ready for his mother to begin a life with another man.
I applaud her again for recognizing this and her strength in courage and determination to provide him the space he needs to assimilate his own situation.
Ask her to define what "space" she needs. Does this mean you start again much slower or does this mean she is single. Either way will be difficult for you, but you will be fine in the end.
How to work through that? Find coping stategies like distracting yourself with positive things and remaining social.
Something else I would add is this: while you may be certain this is not a rebound affair, you do not live in her head and it may be for her, whether she thinks so or not at this point. When and if she comes back, if she’s ready to commit to you, THEN you can be certain that a relationship with you it is more to her than that.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 You have no other option except to give her the space she needs. Reassure her that you will be there for her but you will have to honor her wishes in this. Her first duty is to her son and it is her call how she handles it and what she feels is best for the boy. I just hope she has changed the locks and will be safe.
...............................
|
