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anonymous
writes: Have things become too complicated? Do we try too hard to namby-pamby, silk-glove every type of problem instead of just saying "bite the bullet" and getting on with life ? Being honest is such a panacea (sp?) for all ills. I am serious - I worry about the self-sufficiency and strength of our future generations. There are so many sensitive and sensible ag aunts out there - I'd love to hear what you think. Is there such a thing as TOO SOFT? Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, all, for taking time to write diverse, intelligent and thoughtful answers...all making valid points in different ways.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I don't feel I'm too soft. I've been told the opposite actually. I'm pretty balck and white.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I'm pretty selective about the questions I choose to answer. When I choose to answer, it's done like my martinis - straight up. I hope to guide the requester to the answers that are true to their instincts. Usually I can see what they are trying desperately to see - or NOT to see. It's amazing how we can rationalize our actions, especially as we try to shut off the voice inside of us that tells us what we don't want to hear.
I'm the one who will say "listen to your gut". I re-learned this skill by observing my kid and my wife. Kids use their instincts to keep them safe from harm - it's a survival mechanism that most of us abandon as we grow older. I re-acquainted myself with that skill and it serves me well as I navigate through the situations I encounter in life.
Anyway, you can rest assured that when I give advice, it is meant to help the person see through a different lens. And that lens will never be rose-coloured.
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reader, mystify +, writes (26 May 2006):
 some people come here for a calming word , someone to soothe them , not always looking for answers, but for comfort and the right aid to making up thier OWN mind with thier own choices after all its they who shall live with the consequences of thier choices.
yes the in your face route could work and will work sometimes but i think that untill we meet the person and get to know them all advice must be valid.
although it does annoy me sometimes when i hear advice that becomes so generated, it should always be felt!
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reader, smeedle  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 What on earth do you want to know this for, advice is just that, we are all different agony aunts and so our advice will be different and it will be in some way influenced by our own life experiences.
We try to get a feel for what is going on with the person asking for our advice and to do that we have only the words they have written, yes sometimes we do think it appropriate to go softly and other times we feel it needs the hard line.
I as an agony aunt am always aware that it is a person in despair who is asking the questions, they usually know what to do but just want the reasurance of someone else telling them so they feel they have got it right, sometimes when you are troubled you get comfort in sharing your trouble and others who you dont know giving you there views.
If we give shit advice no one would write in and so we would be no more.
I think it is time you became an agony aunt!!!(or are you one already and if so get out of the closet)
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 I'd hate to think that I'd give "soft" solutions, just to spare someone's feelings. If anything, I have more of a tendency than I might like to admit to kick someone up the arse to get them to face facts. Too often, the Asker's problem is of his/her own doing, simply because they've wimped out on taking any responsibility.
Over the last 18 months that I've been moderating/Aunting here, I've advised people to cancel weddings, leave boyfriends, break off relationships and call the police about their problems. I've rolled my eyes at the obviousness of solutions to some people, and scolded those who I felt deserved it.
The only time I'd soften my response would be if I intuited that an Asker was seriously depressed and was in danger of self-harm, or right on the edge of doing something drastic.
In the end, though, let's be honest with ourselves. We Aunts aren't solving the problems of the world. Few of us have any qualifications to do anything more than type! People ask opinions and we give them. Although I try to take peoples' concerns seriously, this is first and foremost, an entertainment site, and I give answers that I hope will solve the problems of the Asker, as well as being mildly entertaining to read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Well, if you've followed any of my posts, I haven't been soft on anyone, unless they really 'deserved' it. I think it's actually very easy to ask for advice here with an anonymous handle, even with a named handle.
What I find and not agree with is when some aunts/uncles say stuff like "You deserve better" - as we don't know whether the poster deserves better or not. A lot of those people seeking advice don't tell us the entire story.
Sometimes I can be quite sarcastic in my answers, and actually I find that I should be a bit more compassionate, even for those whom are questionable. I think it's great to help those out with genuinely problematic issues, but there is a huge flux of requests that are either too vague or just people seeking approval for their cheating habits, stealing bfs/gfs, going out with a best friend's ex, or sleeping around with a partner's best friends, etc. I mean, a lot of people aren't willing to look towards the ugly parts of a battlefield.
Honestly though, I have to confess that though I have some pretty harsh and brutal stuff to say, I also am glad there are others who are more compassionate. Though it makes me look like the ultimate bastard with no heart, it's fine really. It gives perspective on things. 8]
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reader, willywombat +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Sorry to disagree but I think people need to be told the truth as you see it. Obviously it needs to be tempered to age and the sanity of the person asking the question. But I think some people give answers that very often are a bit to *nice* to keep their ratings up!!
God - is that truthful enough....?
;-)
xxx
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reader, Troubled101 +, writes (25 May 2006):
 not in my opion no, you cant be too soft. i mean most people come here to get away from the grown up voice that would shout and scream at them and also because they are scared of what might happen when they ask. if you ask me we should tell them what we think but in the nicest and most caring way possible. there coming here scared so we shouldnt be lecturing them like a parent we should be giving them advice and as gently as possible.
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reader, hannieseds  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Hi there,
I would say definitely you are right to some extent. There are some out there that would just be 'nice' and give not-too-thoughtful advice just to get a good rating.... but I would say that the vast majority of Agony Aunts are here, giving there time to peoples questions, to give good, thoughtful advice that they honestly think will be valuable. I know I'm not here to waste my time or anyone elses by giving people advice that they 'want to hear'. It takes effort and a lot of time to answer questions, why waste it being too soft?
I think it takes a lot of guts for people to ask for advice on here and 'own up' to having a problem, even if they ask 'anonymously' they are still admitting to themselves they have an issue that they can't deal with alone. And to admit that takes a strong kind of person. If anything, I would say the complete opposite to you about worring about the strength of our future generations. Its great that people young and old have a website like this that they can ask questions and get the help they hopefully need.
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