A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My BF and I have been together for 3 years now. We don't fight much or at least we let it escalate to fighting. It started out that way because I just felt like maybe some things aren't that critical to get heated about. Also he is the type of guy that just wants out of the room and can not deal with the problem. He once explained that he didn't want to fight because he didn't want to say something that he would regret. I understood but it then is never dealt with. We never talk about anything emotional.Like I say, we do not fight often. However, this evening we got into it. Usually we both back down but this time I couldn't just sit back anymore. I feel that if I continue to let things go then we will never resolve our issues because he never wants to deal with anything. He got his stuff and left to go stay the night at his parents. I know that one day we want to get married and start a family, but if we can't communicate then how can we ever make it work?If he comes back, I don't know how much longer I can stay and hope that he will see that he needs to communicate to make it work. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Firstly I commend you on seeing this is a big issue in a relationship. All to often we tend to just let it slip to save piece. But it is indicative of how he handles things and in my experiance it is a major red flag issue.
When you have serious issues to handle, and we all have dramas in our lives of varying degrees, having the ability or confidence to be heard, understood and supported is so important. If you never resolve arguments or settle disputes, but forget it, things sometimes just don't go totally away. You then have a list a mile long of unresolved disputes, some meaningless. Communication, the ability to 'argue' fairly and constructively is critical in a successful relationship.
I am talking about important stuff here, not if he squeezes the toothpaste in the wrong place!
You have identified that this may well be a problem going forward and I agree.
Think about your partner and how he handles difficulties. He sounds as though he just doesn't want to go there. His comments about not wanting to regret something he says in an argument - so he won't say anything!, is, pretty immature. Maybe that is it with him, he does not have the skills to communicate. If so, he needs to be aware that this is what you expect and want to have in your future relationship. A grown up relationship.
Deal with it now, and don't wait to get this particular issues you have now with him and his ability to thrash it out and put things to bed, for good. You relationship will grow in strength and a deeper understanding of each other.
He needs to want to resolve things too! And he needs to understand that his is a biggy and will dictate your future happiness together.
Maybe you could write him your thoughts, without the anger or accusitory interactions! Let him ponder how he is avoiding issues. And tell him your worried about this!
All the best and honey, your right!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Your absolutely right. Communication is such a huge part of successful adult relationships. Remind him that you are adults and you do need to discuss things to resolve them, not run away to mommy and daddies.
I notice that you have not disclosed what exactly the problem is, why that is I dont know but if it is a sex problem then men are particuarly sensitive when talking about sex and often have dented egos as a result.
I had to have a heart to heart with my partner just last night, he is just as useless at communicating as your partner but the difference is he will listen even if he doesn't agree. His trouble is he usually agrees with me but does nothing to change - which leaves me somewhat fuming, our issues are not even sex related just simple things like when I wash, dry and iron your clothes why cant you put them away? Or when you say something hurtful, why cant you follow that with an explanation as to why you feel that way and what I can do to fix it.
Anyway, enough of me. Seriously, tell him to grow up and perhaps why he cant stick around to talk, maybe he has never seen his parents talk through their problems and just doesnt know how. Offer him an olive branch but if it continues to be the same - this ones not a keeper. take care x
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