A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 17 years my senior - I am 27 and he is 44. For most of our relationship this was never a problem, I never saw his age, only the person he is, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way) but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail. When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on that feeling has changed. I have realised that even though I truly do love him, maybe it would have been best if we had stayed friends. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me. I worry a lot about the future too. When I reach the age he is now, he will be ready for retirement. I don't want to be working for nearly another 2 decades before joining my partner in retirement. When I am finally of retirement age at 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but we joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being 60 years old at his child's 10th birthday party, but I am not ok with that. I know I should be but... I am just uncomfortable with it. I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man. He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. He is my best friend. He wants nothing more out of life than to care for me and make me happy. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are having major, MAJOR issues over the one thing that they can't control or change?!! And why has this started to bother me now?!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Hi youre very lucky youve found someone that loves you so much and it sounds as if you love him very much too. Its a hard fact that he is older than you and there are some things you have to start thinking about. If he really is your love you will manage all problems as they appear. Why not have your children now rather than later as you have his age to consider. Also it is true. The grass isnt always as green when you leave. And who knows what the future holds? I recently looked after a lady in a care capacity as her husband needs some help with her. They absolutely adores each other even after 40 years of marriage. I watch them together and can only hope i find a love like theirs one day. Hes 91 and very active and healthy. Shes 64 and a stroke victim. Big age gap but its her thats being looked after. So who knows how things will turn out in life. If you really are having reservations about this man it would be better to tell him now rather than wait any longer. It will give him a chance to move on while hes still at an age where its more likey he can start again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): It has started to worry you now because you have MATURED. You are more realistic and you realise that this age difference will actually cause you more pain in the future.
I think in the early days you would have hung on his arm like a Barbie doll while he paraded you to the almost middle aged friends. You were his bragging rights. In a sense, ‘see what i have bagged, a young one.’ But times have changed and soon you will cringe as he introduces you to the world, right?? You are more aware of the age diff, more aware that his time is runnig out while you have still to reach your prime. Almost, sexually, is he at a low? You also do not want him to be at a granddads age when you decide to have a kid. Why rob a kid of a dad? Who will kick a soccer ball with him, lets not talk rugby, and so forth.
Have you thought about in a few years time he will require dentures. What about the receding hairline? Things to think about. You were not mature at 21/22, you were immature. How did you two meet? He “stole” you from other younger men and yes you were excited with this older man in your life. But time to re focus and time to ask yourself – how much longer you are going to keep up appearances and how much longer are you going to fake happiness. I think you realise that your timeline together has come to an end. Age is a reality and when this reality hits you , it takes you by surprise, just like how you are now reacting. This man may act young to keep up with you but YOU have changed and i think you want to hang out with more virile younger men. I think the almost grand dad’s time is up, the question is, when do you end it? i think sooner rather than later. He came into your life for a reason/ a season. That season is now over and you need to embark on a new one without him.
You do not have to be cruel when you break up with him but be HONEST. Make him understand your concerns , your fears and your unhappiness .
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