A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I first met my wife in college. I drank once in a blue moon, but not really. If was before I met her, but she told me she was a binge drinker who was hospitalized because she threw up blood from an ulcer after a lot of drinking. When we dated we sort of had a compromise in that I didn't drink much and so neither did she. She credited me with helping her get straight.Flash forward about 15 years and we both started to drink more. It was a social thing - at parties and clubs. We never stayed home and polished off hard liquor or anything like that. However, I definitely started drinking more than I ever have and she drank more, too. I would call us alcoholics - her especially. She could go days without a drink but once she had one she could not stop and binged until she blacked out. That's her pattern. She could not have a drink for a long time but give her one and she'd want the bottle. She went to the ER once because she sliced her finger open while cutting a tomato while drunk and more than once she fell or otherwise hurt herself. I never got that bad and I usually helped her get safely into bed but I guess you could call me an enabler.Now we are 25 years in and earlier this year my wife had an episode of bleeding which landed her in the ER. It wasn't alcohol that caused it, but the alcohol certainly made it worse. She spent a few days in the hospital and quit liquor cold turkey while in. They offered to give her a drug to help but she refused it. I am actually proud of her for being able to do that. It has been 6 months since she had a drink now. Okay, so now my problem. I still drink and so do many of our friends. My wife says she is okay with that and that she doesn't mind if we drink around her. However, I noticed she cut a lot of friends out of her life. I can understand that. What is causing problems now is that she gets so sanctimonious about not drinking. She complains that I drink too much. She sometimes gets jealous if I have a drink. I realize what she is going through but I feel like after EVERYTHING I put up with for her and her drunken behavior she owes me some slack. I am not NEAR as bad as she was but now she gets sober and I am an impossible drunk? I am trying to cut back on drinking for her and my sake both but I think she's not being objective. In the back of my mind I feel like she's made up her mind that she can't drink anymore or be around it or else it will kill her. I see that. However, after YEARS of putting up with her drunken behavior she gets sober and 6 months later she is getting righteous on me? It makes me angry and it is ruining the relationship. Is there any hope?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): She is trying to close the door on alcohol and you are insisting on wedging it open.
You are using the excuse that you put up with her drinking.
It is a lousy excuse.
But if you could shut the door on alcohol together then you could forget the past and create the patterns of "a new-you-together!"
You don't have to wait for a near death experience to do this.
But you do need to convince your mind and body that you are done with alcohol and shut the door together.
That shows true friendship.
And your love for each other will blossom.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): She is trying so hard to stay sober and there you are trying to undermine her sobriety.Shame on you.From what I read you also have a problem with alcohol.If you really loved her you would put her first instead of alcohol.You need help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): As a rmn (mental health nurse ) my first advice to any one wishing to stay clear of any addiction. Is change your environment that may mean staying clear cutting off friends and family who enable or partake in the addiction . She doesn't owe you slack .. you were drinking alongside her. You can't see the woods for the trees in that you feel you don't drink that much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): You say you're trying to cut back on your drinking, "trying" being the key word here. Sounds as if you also have a problem.
She's come to terms with her alcoholism and has quit drinking. This is a hard thing to do as drinking, like other drugs, is an addictive behavior. She's cut out a lot of friends because they drink too much and you still do to too. It's a constant battle for her to not want to drink when others are.
You say after years of putting up with her drunken behavior she should get of your back while you are still drinking. You sound as if you're the one who is being sanctimonious. It's your anger and your inability to be supportive that will ruin your marriage. I suggest you attend some AA meetings and go cold turkey yourself. If you don't then you will remain angry and that will ruin your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Bella Bailey  +, writes (24 October 2018):
Think about it this way: What is more important to you, a drink or your wife?
Drink is not something that either of you NEED in your life. Sure it's a nice pastime and it's a common occurrence to see people drink on special occasions. But your relationship is so much more important. Your wife has learnt from her mistakes and seeing you drink is not only taking her back to all of the horrific events that have happened to her because of it, but it also is probably making her think that you're sometimes doing it to rub it in her face. You getting annoyed over it is only adding to the stress and tension surrounding the subject.
My suggestion is that if you can't face giving up booze for her sake then at least come to an agreement. Sit her down and actually TALK to her. Be reasonable, be patient, understand where she is coming from EVEN IF YOU STRONGLY DISAGREE!! Tell her you'd like to meet in the middle. Let's say if there's a special occasion you're allowed to drink, but not enough that you black out, just so you get merry and feel the desired affects. If she can't stick to that then at least you can bring it up to her that you've agreed on something and you both have to MEET IN THE MIDDLE. Marriage has it's downs and ups and now more than ever is where you need to both put effort and time into communicating and understanding one another.
Do you realise she's saying this to you because she doesn't want you BOTH to relapse? This is serious, not a joke. She's not just "nagging" at you for the sake of it. She has genuine concerns for both you and her and by complaining about it you're ignoring her warning! She is your wife. She's meant to be your everything and the person who you CHOSE to love and cherish UNCONDITIONALLY. Alcohol is but a past time. You're harming yourself in front of her and making her more likely to relapse!!! If it was me I would have stopped drinking the moment she was first hospitalised because of booze, not carried on and made both of your situations worse. Be the bigger man and boot it now before you and up ruining your marriage for the sake of a good Friday night out. YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT WORTH DESTROYING OVER A WHISKEY!!! Be smart and make the right decision not only for you and your wife, but for your health and your future.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 October 2018):
 Do you love her? If not, leave. If you do, quit drinking around her. Don't have alcohol in the house, including empty bottles/cans and only drink when you go out with friends.
Addiction is ridiculously difficult. This isn't her being self-righteous; it's her trying to stay sober.
Do you know how hard it is to stay sober when people are drinking? No, you don't - not to an addiction degree anyway. That said, you've admitted to drinking too much, so stop. Your desire not to stop is a lighter version of what she feels when around alcohol or people drinking.
She isn't ruining the relationship; your marriage has been heavily impaired with alcohol by both of you. She's finally got sober, but it's a constant battle and she's living with someone who's blaming her for her reaction to your drinking after her very difficult change of habits.
What's more important to you: your wife or drinking alcohol frequently? Pick. She will struggle to stay sober with a husband who won't drastically reduce his drinking to nothing around her. Your relationship with alcohol seems pretty dependent too, so don't put this all on her.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (24 October 2018):
 I dont really see the problem here.
It seems to be self correcting. You are already cutting back on the drinking. Just switch to cola or whatever earlier.
As for her attitude. This is what I would do. I would say. I dont have a problem at all and am already quitting drinking all together. So if you bring this up again, Im ignoring you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2018):
 You should be a supportive husband and quit the booze.
Come on! NO ONE NEEDS to drink to be social!
It took her to get hospitalized to quit, and you can't see that the REASON she has to stay away from alcohol is to stay healthy?
You think because you don't black out, you have control over the alcohol? Because if you do then HELP her stay sober by quitting too.!
I don't drink, because in my 20's I had issues with black out. After the second one... I don't like not being in control, you might say. So, I quit drinking.
Same with smoking. I would smoke to calm my nerves and then freak out that my skin, hair, clothes, house... smelled like ashtray. So again, I quit.
My husband smoked when we met, I never expected him to quit but I DID ask him to not smoke indoors, not in the car and preferable NOT around me when outdoors either. And later, NOT around the kids either. And he (for the most part) did just that. He had a heart attack 5 years ago and thankfully quit smoking, something I'm very glad for and proud off.
But I'm also a stubborn ass. You wife might not be as single minded as me.
She isn't being righteous, she is WORRIED about you. and she knows herself and her not so stellar self control around drink.
WHY not make the BOTH of your lives better and easier and just quit the drinking?
If you can not be social without drinking... what does that tell you?
That doesn't mean you CAN NOT have a beer if you have lunch with a friend and SHE isn't there. But claiming she is ruining the relationship? Are you serious? YOU almost enabled your wife to DRINK HERSELF to death!!
I'm your age, and I really do enjoy MANY social gathering while NOT drinking any alcohol. Because it's NOT the alcohol that is MY priority, it's the socializing.
You need to take a good hard look at yourself and your attitude.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): [EDIT]:
Correction:
"It must be very tough for her!"
P.S.
If you're dieting; it's tough to stick to your diet when everyone's binge-eating and snacking around you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): She's not being sanctimonious; she has come to terms with the fact that too much drinking is ruining her life, and yours!
You're trying to cut-back? That's admitting you drink too much; and it's not helping either of you, to come-down on her for trying to help the both of you.
You're the one who's wrong, sir! Drinking is a problem in your marriage. An alcoholic usually needs rehabilitation and counseling to come to terms with their drinking problem; and then to control it. Your resistance and resentment is proving you need help more than you care to admit.
It's not about your putting up with her; she's trying to stop the drinking around her, so she won't relapse. She still needs AA counseling, and so do you! She wants what's best for you, now that she's seen the light!
I commend her for her six months of sobriety! It must be very touch for her!
If you throw it back in her face, what does that say about you?
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