A
male
age
36-40,
*encode
writes:My wife and I have been happily married for almost 2yrs, last week she meet with a male work friend for coffee. When she got home it had turned into a flight, coffee and a movie. I was ok with the coffee, but when it changed to something more, it didn't feel right to me. It took till 3days later for me to eventually get her to tell me that for the coffee and movie, they had kissed and done it (although she says she stopped after a short time). I want to keep our marriage together and we have talk about it. But the thing that worries me the most is she wants to keep seeing him for chats and coffee, she says it'll be in public places, but I won't know for sure.I guess in the end I want to ask, what should I do, how can I help keep us together and should I put my foot down to protect our marriage? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): It no longer matters whose fault it was. You may very well have had plenty of fault too, but no relationship problems/arguments would ever justify the fact that she is flagrantly cheating on you right now.
Relationship problems are grounds to talk about it, maybe change behaviour, or maybe split up over it. But there is nothing on the list of possible relationship problems that ever reads, "This issue is grounds for one of the partners to go out and screw other people until it's solved." If it's that bad, then she should have told you she was leaving & seeing other people, and THEN done it. Not done it first while still with you and not even BOTHERING to break up with you over it. That's how low you rate with her right now.
There is no way you can possibly have any power in this relationship and still be talking like you are. Even if you resolve the problems your relationship is having now, this woman will probably never respect you the way she should if you take her cheating so lightly like this. If there is cheating and she instigated it and continued it even after you knew, then you'll never regain equal footing again unless she has to earn your respect all over again. (And given the extreme slap-in-the-face that you're getting right now, I doubt there's any way to salvage the situation anymore.)
She won't respect you again until you start respecting yourself. And I don't think you could possibly respect yourself while still even considering taking her back again. You should be the one furious right now no matter what led up to it.
A
male
reader, Gencode +, writes (14 October 2007):
Gencode is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to give an update, I have found that many things have contributed to this, like all the small things we used to do with each other (walks/movies/dinner) and I currently don't have a job which means she's always at work and I'm just at home. As of this morning, I ask her if she still wanted to be with me, her answer was no. It was only after this I found out that last week she seen this guy again, only this time went the full distance, also last night at a bbq she slept with another guy for the full distance. Plz don't pay her out too much, it was both of our fault. We don't have kids so it makes it slightly easier. Atm I am so confused, I still love her but I don't know if I'd be able to get the marriage back together if she decided she still wanted to be with me. If it had only stayed at the first lot and nothing more, I would most likely be able to forgive and move on (if she was willing). This is only an update, if you wish to reply you can. If anything changes in the future, I'll probably most likely let you's know.Regards, Gencode.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): She's cheating on you. Say it. The fact that you're even asking "how can I keep this together?" is a problem. You shouldn't be the one WANTING to keep it together right now! This should be the question that SHE is asking the website right now!It sounds like the priorities and the balance of power is way off in this relationship. I think you need to ask yourself why you're so ready to tolerate any of this.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 She is seeing a man who isnt her husband and she has slept with him and she still wants to see him? And your going to let her? I dont mean to be cruel but be a man put your foot down dont let her see him ever again for anything! Yeah she will be mad and cross and think your over reacting but if she slept with him once it will happen again, if she cant accept you dont want her to see him then leave find someone better. If you let her get away with it she will think she can walk all over you, you got to let her know that cheating isnt part of a marriage and if she doesnt like it then you may as well not be together.I hate to be harsh but i cant stand women who cheat on there husbands its not right and its not fair and in the end being alone is better then being cheated on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): You can do so much better than her! what an selfish woman she is, you must be an right push over for her to even suggest to keep seeing this man! Be stronger and tell her NO or leave her and find a better woman. Your being weak
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Hiya, sorry if you think its out of line for me to say this, butIm writing as a 19 year old. I havent been nor am married, but I have been a kid in a rocky marriage. I have also been through some stuff myself and have some opinions on trusting people. BUt feel free to disregard this if you think im being presumptous.
So here goes:
1) Trust
I think its totally unfair that she wants to still see this guy. Its not fair on you, because how can you ever, in your gut, believe that she isnt having bad thoughts about him. So if she wants to still see him, I would question why. If she honestly wants to be firends with him, maybe oyu could all meet up together. That way you know she isnt trying to do anything behind your back.
Without trust I dont believe you can have happy love. Love, sure but not happiness. If you can trust her totally so you dont have to worry about where she is if she is 20 minutes late coming home, then thats great.
And she will have to make sacrifices to get your total trust back, and thats what she should expect to do! Maybe seeing a councelor or therapiust could help you two to set some clear boundaries about waht is OK and acceptable and what isnt, jsut a thought!
2) Kids:
Do you ever want to have kids? Do you think your wife will make a good mother/role modl for the kids?
IF both of these are yes, and you can have a loving happy TRUSTING marriage then stick with it. If not, i really would think twice about moving furthur with your marriage. Being a kid in a family thats falling apart is HORRIBLE and all i can say is try not to do it to your potential kids!
I know this must be a horrible time for you and really hard, but thats my two cents. I hope it helped a little bit maybe, and i really wish you all the best of luck in working this out for the best however that might be.
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A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (17 September 2007):
Why on earth would she want to keep seeing this guy if she knows it could be risking your marriage and happiness.
This friend of hers, does he know she's married, what purpose would it serve to keep meeting up with him other than to keep him interested for future possibilites.
I would ask her to break contact with this guy, or ask her why she feels the need to maintain contact even when she knows it worrys you and could lead to an unhappy marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): They had sex & she thinks it's acceptable to keep seeing this other man? I hope you don't have kids together. If not, I'd stronly consider divorcing this slut. She's your wife, she should not be cheating on you.
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