A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am writing because I need advice. After 10 years of marriage and two kids of ages 8 and 2, I found recently that my husband was having an affair. I kicked him out of the house but now I want him back. My husband now blames me for our split and states it has everything to do with my attitute and I will never change so he doesn't think its a good thing to get back together again. I love my husband very much and he is a good man, I just don't understand after 10 years how he can come to me and tell me the love is dead and that we need to concentrate on our children. Now my husband is asking me to return home but on a roommate basics so we both can be with the children. I don't know what to do and feel so hurt because I want my family back. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): you were right to kick him out, and you should stick with that. Sure you love him...you've had 10 + years with this man and two blessings that came out of that love. But he did not take his vows seriously, he broke your trust and that will always be. You want him back because you are lonely and you want what you once had...it's gone. Not only did he violate your trust, he managed to turn his pathetic weakness and lower than low actions around as if it was your fault. Do you REALLY want to live like that??? Do you realy want to be in a loveless marriage living in a home with someone who can do this to you?what kind of example are you and your husband going to be setting for your children? Do you want them to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is normal or acceptable in a marriage? These kids didn't do anything to deserve this..what they do deserve is two parents who will love them, protect them and teach them what they need to know to grow up and become independent honest individuals. and this can be accomplished living separately....sure it's going to be a huge change and take a lot of adjusting, but if you drag your kids into your problems, they will suffer.Divorce is hard, it's draining and it's scary for everyone, especially with kids involved, but in your situation, unless HE is willing to do the work to figure out why he cheated and if he really wants to mend and work on his marriage, then begin counseling and go from there...it sounds like this is not what he wants to do and is looking for an easy solution to stay with his kids...good he needs to remain a good father and an involved father, but if you are both miserable, nobody is going to be a good parent to these children living with all that tension, anger and mistrust.... living under the same roof "for the sake of the children" is a bad, bad idea and it will totally backfire...any counselor will tell you this...
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (21 August 2012):
OP, I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation. Many couple pass by this situation, some survive, most don't try and end up in the divorce court blaming each other for everything that went wrong. The reality is that it takes 2 to make a relationship and it takes 2 to spoil one as well. One person will cross the line first but only because the relationship was not as strong as it should be. OP, you say little of your family situation, or what or when your husband was unfaithful to you. Having survived being the husband with a busy wife with young children I can tell you that after a bad day at work the last thing you need is to come home to a tired wife who tells you what a bad day shes had and all the things that need replacing and all the bills for the new stuff she bought the kids. Put on top of that the fact that the children have now displaced you for your wife's affection it starts to feel like all the good stuff from life has gone. In that situation the lonely single woman from the office that you eat a luchtime sandwich with easily becomes your best friend and after a few drinks after work things are soon well out of control. The fact your husband want to live with you implies he hasnt found a new love and a new life. You could recover your marriage if you both want to. Counseling might help, but probably just being together alone and talking is even better as long as you agree no conflict. When he says the love is gone he means he feels no love - that comes from you too. If you can handle the fact he had sex with someone else then I eould definately see if there is still something there. Sex is just a simple bodily function that is given far too much meaning. Your children need two loving parents, not two estranged ones full of conflict, nothing would be worse.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2012):
 He’s the one that was wrong and yet he is managing to blame it on you. Now he wants to live with you “as a roommate” for the kids. WRONG Idea. It will confuse the children more.
You tell him, either we work on the marriage and I’m willing to forgive your cheating and lying (and you must do so) or we are done and you and him file for divorce and move on.
I agree that some personal counseling is in order no matter what… and if you two want to make a go of the marriage then I suggest you go to marriage counseling as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Dont move in with him. If he truly cared and wanted to be with his kids he would never have jeopardised his marriage. You deserve better, move on. If you give in he would have got away with betrayal, hurting you and he is now free to live with you and carry on with the other woman. Trust me moving in with him is only going to bring you more pain, can you live with him and see him date/ sleep with other woman? Dont punish yourself, you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (21 August 2012):
Your husband is an utterly selfish man and I’m afraid the harsh truth is that there’s no way back for your marriage. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be so cruel as to try and convince you that his affair was your fault: he chose to have an affair, and even if there were problems in your marriage he chose to cheat rather than make you aware of how he was feeling and allow the both of you to talk things through. He’s right that what you need to focus on now is your children, but don’t go back to live with him on a roommate basis, this is not what’s best for your children. If he thinks that they won’t pick up on the strained atmosphere, and if he thinks that you’d be able to do a good job of maintaining a pretence that everything’s all right, he’s completely misguided. Your kids would suffer even more than they are now. The best thing for your kids now is for them to have regular contact with each of you, separately. Remember that he changed the rules when he ruined your marriage by having an affair, so you should feel confident to insist that this is how the new arrangement will work. Make sure you do allow him fair access though: he might be a terrible husband but his role as father is totally separate. Furthermore, get as much emotional support to come to terms with your marriage breakdown as you need: friends, family or a counsellor could all help. Accept the fact that healing will take time, but don’t bottle things up.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Cheaters are not normal people. They don't think right. The first thing you need to know is that he is seeing the world inaccurately. So don't believe his accusations. Also don't trust his ideas about moving back in.When you say you want him back, you mean that you want back the man he was before the affair. Good idea but it may take some time.FA
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A
female
reader, everyminute +, writes (21 August 2012):
Dont get back with him or let him blame you. He should be the one begging to have you back and be feeling sorry for his actions. It's his mistake, not yours. Dont feel bad. You are only between 30-35yrs old, you can find someone who loves you for you. If you get back with him he might just do it again.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (21 August 2012):
 It's all there in black and white- he told you the love is dead, he doesn't want to be with you, you're the problem, etc. etc... Men typically do not say something unless they mean it. Take his words to heart- for whatever reason, he does not want to fix your marriage. I would absolutely NOT let him move back in to be "roommates". I think that is pretty ridiculous and completely unnecessary- "for the kids" is a lame excuse, as there are millions of families who do just fine with the parents living separately. Yes, 10 years is a substantial amount of time to have invested, but do you want to waste another 10 years trying to work on something that can't be fixed? He made his intentions clear, so get a divorce, start fresh, and don't give him the satisfaction of being around and not having to pay child support/alimony!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Your husband is slime. I understand that it's really hard that after more than 10 years together to cope with that kind of change, but he was not only having an affair but also somehow blames you for him behaving like a selfish jerk! Get yourself into counseling, don't let him back home, and find someone who won't treat you like dirt.
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