A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Saw my ex this weekend for the first time since July (we broke up in october)..(he's living in another city until september; i had to go down there for work on monday and tuesday, so we hung out all day sunday and then monday night, too)We've been back in contact for about a month, most notably with him calling a few weeks ago and saying he wanted to see if I'd be interested in trying again - that he hadn't known what he wanted before, and that maybe he just needed to grow up, but now he knows what he wants and that's to be in a 'real relationship', with me.When we broke up before, it's because things were just bad w/ us. I really loved him, but we weren't communicating, for reasons I still don't entirely understand. It's like we were locked in this ridiculous power struggle. I went on a trip and we didn't talk for a full month - not because we didn't want to talk, but bc neither of us wanted to be the one to make the first move (since we'd already been dating for 2.5 yrs, this is pretty ridiculous). Anyway, I was mad at him for so many things, and I almost cheated on him while I was away - if the guy'd been up for it, I probably would have (though I'd have needed some beer for courage, and I'd have hated myself in the morning). I was just angry at him on so many levels.As it turns out, he felt the same - he met a girl in a bar and actually did sleep with her. I found out a few days later (just before coming home from my trip), lost it, and we broke up.Anyway, so I see him this weekend for the first time. And ... this guy is the love of my life. I want to be with him. A part of me really despises myself for being so weak - for still wanting to be with someone who betrayed me so deeply ... and then part of me feels like I know where he was coming from, b/c even though I didn't go through with it (which I realize is a huge difference), I still wanted to.Anyway, my question is this: what do I do? When we talked on the phone a couple of weeks ago, he said he wanted to be back together and have a real relationship. At the time, I said I needed time to just think, and we needed time to talk things through and try to figure out whether we could ever really work together. He agreed, and this whole weekend we were completely platonic. We had a great time together, but he didn't try anything - not even a kiss or a hug. Which I think was good (i don't want to just rush back into things if they can't be good), but part of me wonders if the reason he didn't try anything is that maybe he's decided he'd really rather just be friends.He called this afternoon just to update me on something in his life.I have to go back to where he lives in a few weeks for work. If things go well over the next few weeks (i.e., we keep talking and having fun over phone/email/text), I was thinking I'd tell him maybe we shoudl go ahead and try dating again.Does that seem like an okay idea? Am I an idiot? He didn't try to kiss me, and I didn't really want him to kiss me, given how complicated everything's been, but it seems like, i don't know ... he should have *wanted* to kiss me, right? Was he just being respectful of me saying I needed time and sticking to our plan, or did he lose interest so quickly?How do I tell?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): You know for a fact that your ex is capable of cheating on you. Would the love of your life really do that to you? Could you contemplate doing that to the love of your life?
You have doubts about the wisdom of reconciling with him. You are not an idiot but just vulnerable & seem to be having trouble moving on. Familiar patterns do feel comfortable but won't necessarily bring you happiness.
Think back to when you two broke up, when things were bad between you. You already know in your heart that you don't really want to go down the same road again. Break off contact for good and get your head around the notion that you don't have to settle for less than the best.
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