A
female
age
41-50,
*licia
writes:I was in a 3year relationship with a man I loved dearly and with all my heart. However we fought a lot and he never understood the things I needed and I was always wrong which frustrated me a lot and was always unhappy. He is a great guy and treated me well in other ways but when it came to the things we needed we just never understood each other and ended up fighting. I think we just weren’t compatible. Also he wasn’t employed and he refused to get a job and wanted to start his own business, which until now he is battling to start. Then while I was with him I met another guy and we just clicked and understood each other in many ways. I couldn’t be with him of coarse but I had always wanted to gather up the guts to leave this really hurtful relationship I was in. This new guy really wanted me but for some reason I couldn’t leave my relationship even though I was unhappy. Eventually the first guy and me broke up coz we decided it was for the best. Meanwhile this new guy had sort of moved on and was dating someone else. One day I asked if he was single and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said yes and we started a relationship. Alas after only three months into the relationship while we were planning our lives together he tells me the girl he was dating was pregnant with his baby. He left me and I was still friends with the first guy so he asked me if we cant get back together again. I told me we should wait and I needed some space to just sort myself out. I also did it so that maybe this time he would get his finances in order but he is still barely making ends meet. Anyway I am in another country now but we keep in touch. I’m not sure that I want to go into that routine of sadness and not understanding each otha anymore. Then guy number three shows up. I met him when I went out for drinks. We understand each other in many ways and are also similar. We have a lot of fun when we are together. He wants to go out with me but I am skeptical of guys coz of what happened with the baby momma guy. I really like him but he hardly ever calls unless I call him and he chooses when he gets to speak to me and I have so much baggage so when I try talk about it he tells me I am giving too many details an he just wants to have fun. If I don’t heal I wont be able to move forward so I told him to wait a while coz I need to decide what I want. I keep wondering each day if he will give me what I need. What is your opinion on the issue? Should I stick to the guy I first went out with or break up with him because I will not be going back to complete happiness or take my chances with this completely new man who seems to want me but doesn’t want to help me through my difficult times? Or should I just leave all of them and start afresh? I am confused please help?I am so scared to fall in love as well coz i think it will hurt coz i gave my self completely to this guy who made another girl pregnant and look where that got me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): You weren't happy with guy No 1 for 3 years, so why go back with him. Guy No 2 is, of course, out of the question. It doesn't sound like guy No 3 is a good prospect. It sounds like he may have some issues and that he is only interested in you for occasional companionship and fun. Maybe it will work and, if you think it will, then give it a chance. I don't understand how you have so much baggage. Just because you went with 2 guys by the age of 30 something. Wow, and I thought I was bad when I had trouble with my wife having had 11 partners when I met her at age 34, or have you had several partners before guy No 1. If so, then guy No 3 will just have to handle his feelings about that as best he could. That is what I did and we have had a very good 28 year marriage. I think you should give him a chance if you think that there is something good between you, but it seems like there are too many problems.
You could also do what my wife did before she met me. She was getting discouraged after 10 partners, so she went with a guy much as you describe until she found someone who she thought she could have a real relationship with. She went with him for 6 to 8 months and broke up with him the day after our first date. She didn't use him, as he just wanted a temporary person for companionship and fun, the same as her. If you decide to do this and you and guy No 3 start to have a good relationship, then you could change your plans and stop looking.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): There is no need to feel afraid to fall in love again, the pregnancy was an unfortunate mistake, not God or life punishing you for loving that man. You need to start totally afresh, man no.3 sounds like he's not ready to be emotionally open and receptive to you. Before you start dating again you need to look at yourself and relax. You cannot expect a new man to want to hear all the things that are wrong in your life, men are not as good as women with dealing with emotional problems, certainly not at the start of a relationship. As you get closer to someone, if they are a good, kind person they will invite you to open up to them and then you can begin to share your fears, pain and past with them if you wish to. But for now you need to be on your own and be happy like that, be happy with who you are and before you know it someone worthy of you will plop into your lap!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): They are ALL LOSERS. You deserve much better. Where do you find these losers at? The club? Drop all of them, stop looking for guys to help you feel whole or better, and find yourself. Learn what it feels like to be single again. How good it feels to be free. (Yeah, I know right, easy for me to say.) But yeah....guy #3 sounds like he's not up for commitment, just wants a good time. Guy #1 basically can't get anyone else, cos he's such a loser, so he came back to you, thinking you'd probably take his crap, guy #2, not worth your time either. After you have found yourself, which will take some years or some months, depending, when you meet that special someone, ask him, make sure he hasn't impregnated anyone. Ask the really tough questions first. (not saying you don't already, just making sure.) Tough deep questions like were you married? do you have kids? etc etc etc Trust me, you don't need a guy to be happy. LOL.....even though it is nice to be with someone....find yourself first. Write, do art, have fun doing things by yourself, talk to family, hang with friends, etc.
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