A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just feel like I need some opinions before I finally make a decision about this! I'll try not to make it too much of a novel...I've been dating this guy for over 4 months. The past month and a half things have just changed. He only spends about 2 hours a week with me, if that. We used to see each other at least 3 days a week up until September. I feel like our relationship is solely on his terms...if he doesn't feel like replying to my texts, he won't for a day or two (he used to not do that). He has said "I need to focus on me right now and my job, I come first right now. You can call it selfish or whatever". He also has said recently that he doesn't feel like this relationship is going anywhere (I told him he probably feels that way because we never see each other anymore, he said that isn't it).Tonight he came over and we talked, I asked him if he still felt like we're not going anywhere and he said "It's hard to explain. You know when something just feels wrong, like it's not working?". Later he said "Just because I have doubts doesn't mean I don't love you". I told him that he should look forward to seeing me and I shouldn't be a burden, and he just didn't say anything. Then I told him that his friends are more important than me and he said "yeah to be honest, they are". He's 26 almost 27 and I'm 24, I feel like his priorities should be different. He often chooses to go hang out with his friends when he hasn't seen me in a week. He says he needs to focus on his job but he can't use that as an excuse for not seeing me because he goes and hangs out with his friends.Before he left tonight, he said he doesn't want to break up and we're still together. There are so many more examples I could give but I'll end it here. I feel like I trade a couple of good days here and there with him for a bunch of bad days...it's just hard to give up on it because I've invested so much in a short amount of time, and he says he still wants to be together (and we have had good times). It's just so up and down, it's exhausting.I don't want to give up because what if things change? But then I've given it almost 2 months already, but we have had good days in those 2 months just not as many as bad ones. Thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): who really wants to be second best..no1 does, he has practically told you your not important, soo he can do what he wants, hang out with his friends when he wants, not consider you at all but can still see you if he wants to and can probably have sex with you when he feels like
i know you have invested time and your heart into this relationship but its only 4 months, if your sensible you wont invest another minute to him, he doesnt deserve it, id be angry if i was you, by what you have said hes not treating you good at all
when you have been with someone who truely loves you and treats with respect you wont look twice at him
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2012):
 I'm sorry to say this but he's just not that into you.
He has told you if feels wrong
he has told you that he thinks his friends and his life without you is more important.
he's telling you by his actions that you don't matter.
how to know what to do.... if you are having sex with him in any way shape or form (including hand jobs or bjs) STOP.
you have not invested enough time in the relationship to TRY this early one to make it work... if it's already work then it's not worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): OP things have changed already and there's not going to be another change, his heart is not in this no matter what he says, his penis is still in this though and he probably doesn't want to be completely without a woman so he's going to keep you around.
OP I honestly have to say you kind of sound desperate. I mean the writing is so plainly on the wall but you refuse to preserve your dignity and move on.
He says everything feels wrong, he says that he doesn't think it's going anywhere and that's been for about 2 months out of a 4 months thing. That's half your entire relationship. That's not love so his love thing is a lie. Everything is on his terms because you're desperate or the other term for that a "hopeless romantic". Now you can say you're not desperate all you want but why would you stay in such a crappy failing relationship with a guy who sees no future with you and spends less and less time with you?
The only decision you have to make here OP is whether to continue to be his casual little plaything, believe his bullshit about love when he can't even be bothered to make an effort, sees no future with you and tells you being with you feels wrong, or you can do what's going to happen eventually right now and move on and find a guy who wants to be with you, who can't get enough time with you, who has zero doubts, who doesn't lie about loving you and keep you hanging on when he sees no future in you and you're not even high on his list of priorities.
You know what OP, he's been honest about all of this too so he's not an asshole, he's not using you because he's been very clear about "this whole thing feels wrong, I need me time, my friends are more important, I don't see this going anywhere." so he's not leading you on.
OP if you're not desperate then give me one piece of evidence that there may be hope for this changing. Just one. He doesn't want to break up? Of course not, no one wants to lose easy pussy with a girl who stays even though you've told her she's not the one for you. He "loves" you is evidence? No it's not because he doesn't, all his actions say he doesn't. You believe that "focus on me stuff"? Come on OP, this isn't your first relationship is it? Well if it is you must understand that in a good relationship, in a loving relationship when times are tough and things like work are getting on top of you guess what the best way and who the best person in your life is to ease that burden? That's right OP your partner.
OP when you love someone they raise you up, they support you so even when you want to focus on you and your life, guess who helps you do that, guess who gives you the extra strength, the relief, the comfort, the distraction, the fun etc. yeah you guessed it, your loving partner. When a person feels they need to go it alone OP and live their life and deal with their life without you that's not love.
What that says is he sees you as an obstacle, a hindrance to his life and chore that he doesn't want to have to deal with at the same time. It does, doesn't it? Is that really the kind of person you want to be to someone? You really want to be with a guy who needs time away from you because he can't deal with work and you at the same time? That's a horrible position to be in. My girlfriend is the first person I turn to when things get tough, she makes everything in my life 100 times easier not harder, I don't need time away from her "to focus on me" I need her even more when I need to sort myself out because she'll do everything she can to help me and ease my burden.
"it's just hard to give up on it because I've invested so much in a short amount of time"
Cut your losses and go OP, if that's really your reason then how is investing more in this going to make it easier?
Again I think there must be some kind of desperation there because I cannot understand why you would allow yourself to be at such a low priority in someone's life when you want them to care about you. You're only barely better than an Acquaintance to him.
Open your eyes OP, do you really want to be in a relationship after 4 months that basically only consists of a "what if"?
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Hi
When the bad days outnumber the good days its time to split up. Its all on his terms and he's told you he would rather see his friends, that they are more important than you.He has said things between you are wrong,not working.
To me that says he likes you but not enough,your not his priority and never will be.After 4 months thats how he feels.
The choice is yours, do want to be free to find somebody who is right for you or hang around feeling unhappy, just in case this one changes?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): This is a simple case of you not accepting that he wants out and it's over. There is no more relationship and you can't force a guy to be with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): My apologies now if this isn't what you wan to hear but from you've said this relationship is well and truly over for him and it sounds like he doesn't really have the courage to break it off.
Doubts about a relationship are sometimes natural when it comes to 'taking it to the next level' (sorry for the corny phrase) such as moving in - not this feels like this isn't working.
He's made it quite clear that his friends are above you in his priority lost and that's fine - but not when he's with someone who he professes to love.
If I were you I'd finish it now - 4 months & it isn't working is a tell tale sign that the relationship has run it's course and to prolong what is obviously not working will result in later heartache for both of you (but mostly you).
Find someone who treats with the respect and demonstrates the love that you deserve x
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