A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so my sister moved out about 5 months ago. My mom was having a hard time with it, but now she is perfectly fine. About 3 months ago when she got over her leaving, she started treating me like I was 2. Now she doesnt let me do anything. I want to tell her that I dont want a mother to hold my hand and drag me down the path she wants, but I want a mother that is a really good friend that I can tell anything to and guide me. Not make my own decisions. I am old enough to do that. So how do I tell her this?
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Ironically enough, you need to teach your mother and guide her to a new relationship with you. Being honest and telling her what you feel when she treats you like a 2 year old, calmly and being very careful not to hurt her, is a good first step. You can do this by sitting down with her or writing a letter to her. After that, whenever she lets you be, you tell her how much you liked it, not patronizing her of course. Whenever she steps across that new line you are trying to establish, you let her know, very respectfully.
For example:
Mother: I don't think you should date X, I don't like him.
You: I understand you don't like him and I respect that, but I do and I will continue to go out with him. You have taught me well and I will be careful but this is my decision.
And she will go on and on and you breathe deeply and stand your ground. Your communication as mother and daughter will need to be very open but also limited in areas where you don't want her to intervene. For example, if this boyfriend disrespects you, you need to vent and work around that with friends or a counselor. Talking to her in some instances might give her the "right" to meddle. I am not saying you should hide things from her, but as adults, we need to learn to deal with our own issues and that is our right and our responsibility.
It might be difficult at first, the breathing deeply part, but believe me a healthy relationship with your mother in which you can both be sincere and at the same time give yourselves the space to be independent is definitely worth it. In time you will also learn to give her her space. When they grow older we tend to think we know better than they do and then it will be your turn to let her be and let her eat a little piece of cake once in a while even if she is diabetic!
Best of lucks!
|
