A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi, any advice is appreciated.I've been feeling lost recently. About 5 years ago when I was younger I asked my best friend out and she rejected me. Ever since I was sent into a spiral of self hate that I'm only now recovering from. 3 years after, I found a relationship but it was short lived, lasting only a few months before she left me for another man. I wasn't ready for the relationship, and it sent me further into depression, with my self esteem being practically non existent for the next 2 years.Recently I've been trying to do better. I started studying at uni, and have met a lot of lovely people who I'm building friendships with. Sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to heal, but I still regret 5 years ago. Constantly I think of what could have been if I was better for them, and I regret both asking out my friend and entering a relationship later when I wasn't ready. I feel like I'll never find someone I care for as much as I did for them. Again, any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2022): Your feelings are a normal progression in life- we all have to go down the dark and depressing whole to figure out our self worth. You will find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Just be kind to yoirself, enjoy what you do have and be proud of your past. You put yourself out there and that takes guts.
A
male
reader, Illinois Jack  +, writes (1 January 2022):
First off, don't ever wonder "what if," I too have a similar situation and ten years later I still wonder, BUT, it doesn't matter anymore, it is only slowing down your progress now, I for one prefer to let life happen naturally, that doesn't mean you can't focus in on something you like and go get it, Also, don't think so much about a "relationship," sometimes this alienates people, First think about how much you know this person, build on that, Of all the questions I've answered I can relate to this one more than any, I constantly find myself wishing to meet someone who loves me as much as I could love them, All you can do is be open to communicating with everyone around you, and don't get depressed over it, you're only slowing yourself down, put it on a shelf and focus on surrounding yourself with positive energy and things you like, no matter what you do you must be yourself, open and honest and never afraid to be YOU!!! Hang in there, but look for a new direction while you are, it isn't easy for any single people right now but life is constantly changing, Much Love!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2021): What you've experienced is part of the growth and maturing process. You are approaching your manhood. You can't allow "entitlement" to overwhelm you; when you don't get what you think you want so badly. When you're so young (approx. 15-16), you might obsess a little; and become infatuated with someone you've setup on a pedestal. It's hard to be rejected by someone we believe to be beautiful or perfect. That mindset or rationale is very common in the case of our first-loves. Nobody can touch our emotions like they can; mainly because we are developing feelings that are new, and yet to be fully experienced. All the puppy-love connections we made back then are trial-relationships, and mostly driven by our hormones.
You were very young, so you were experiencing deep-feelings you've never had before. What you may call depression, may also be that frustration we get when we feel someone doesn't believe we're good enough. You can dwell on it until it becomes bitterness; which is a by-product or side-effect from being denied something we think we should have. You can nurture or feed those feelings too long, and they will take root. It can affect your character and behavior, sometimes in negative ways.
You have to learn to take "no" and rejection as a part of life; it's not always a personal-attack, denial of what's rightfully yours; or an assessment of your value as a person. Your ego gets bruised, your pride gets stung; and you may start brutalizing yourself (hopefully not others); because you may believe someone is telling you you're not worthy of them. It usually means, you aren't the one for them, and they don't feel the same as you do; and it simply isn't meant to be. That is all.
Pride and entitlement will evoke negative feelings through resentment; which can become depression, because you won't let it go. Sometimes through stubbornness we'll refuse to let-go, feeling we've been unfairly robbed of something. The typical emotional-response is to become angry; and far too many men fail to develop and mature beyond this point, and turn-out mean or aggressive. They become misogynistic, bullies, and abusive towards women. If these feelings become more than you can manage, you must seek professional therapy. Claiming you're getting better may be rationalizing or being in denial. You should seek help to get better with someone who can evaluate your progress; and help you to determine where your depression comes from. You may be blaming someone, who may not be at fault at all!
You've maintained these feelings without change for an extended period of time; when you should have outgrown them with age. You don't always get what you want, and you can't force people to reciprocate the feelings you have for them. If you become embittered and angry, depression will result from the sense of futility you'll develop from demanding to have what is not meant to be yours. You've allowed your infatuation to grow into an obsession; when the object of your affections has been long gone, and you've become only a memory. Which is all this should be by now. Not an issue you can't get past.
The depression may have reached a clinical stage if it has not subsided; and the longer it goes untreated, other manifestations of behavior may occur. There may be other mental-health issues at play here, that have yet to be evaluated and diagnosed. Your self-esteem seems all but destroyed, due to rejection. It will happen to you all your life; and you'll have to develop some immunity and resiliency. If you go untreated, and continue to feed the frustration; it will affect your overall behavior and attitude, not only towards women; but everyone who attempts to be close to you.
If you are under therapy, and you feel there is no progress being made; you might need to find another therapist, or psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in depression. You can become too comfortable, or complacent, with a therapist out of familiarity; but the point is to see progress being made, not merely fattening some quack's bank account.
Men sometimes become stalkers and exhibit aggressive behavior when they don't learn how to accept rejection. You also have to learn not to be so intense. Intensity and taking things too seriously is not healthy. It makes you turn small issues into drama; and minor incidents become a crisis.
Judging from what you've written, you seem to be a very sensitive guy. You may also be what we consider a hopeless romantic. You should never be a hopeless anything; because it means you're overtaken by your emotions. You have to mature and learn to be in-charge of your behavior and develop self-control. You can't allow your feelings to overrule your common sense, or your emotions to kill all sense of optimism. Things do change, your misfortune does turn into fortune, and eventually you will find the person meant for you. Someone who can reciprocate affection and attraction towards you in equal amounts. It takes time, going through the trials of time and experience, and patience.
As males, our egos will give us an oversized sense of entitlement. Human nature makes us feel we deserve what we want, and that we should not be denied anything that we want badly. Well, life does not offer that option at all times. You yourself will reject people, and you have by this stage in your life. You have focused on one incident in your life, which might have made it difficult for you to recognize someone who is really attracted to you; but your resentment of the rejection of someone in your past makes you insensitive or blind to any signals from someone other than your obsessive feelings about someone in your past.
If you haven't gotten help, don't face this on your own. You are very young, and much of this will subside as you mature. Clinical depression isn't always from some form of trauma, it can also be due to a chemical-imbalance in the brain. If you've never been evaluated, please take advantage of whatever mental-health benefits available in your healthcare plan.
I wish you the very best, and that God sends you peace.
Have very safe and Happy New Year!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2021): Keep your ego in check.
Ask yourself WHY this rejection sent you into a spiral. It usually happens when an old wound gets triggered. Sometimes it's not easy to recognize old wounds, because we are so used to carrying them.
Some people truly believe that they had wonderful parents who did nothing to hurt them. They may be right in the sense that they parents did nothing ON PURPOSE to hurt them, but hurt them they had.
Fear of rejection can point to being rejected at a very young age, abandoned etc. Those are very harsh words an in reality trauma can be really subtle.
I would suggest therapy but you can also try and dig deeper and see what was really going on.
Work on yourself and your self-confidence.
Don't ask for validation from others.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 December 2021):
 Hi
Have you been diagnosed with depression? If not, then I will ask you to stop using that term as depression is an illness one cannot simply diganose one self with. That being said, you do sound like you are not in a good place, but rather than depression, what you describe reminds me of anxiety. Nevertheless, in order to get a diagnosis, and potentially professional help (which I higly recommend), you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you can afford therapy, or get free therapy anywhere (maybe in association to your university?), then go for it. It will be very helpful to you.
Now I will give you my thoughts. Obsessing about events from the past and going around and around with negative thoughts that spiral, do indeed sound like something connected with a mental illness. If you believe that you have a mental illness, lets talk about this as if it is one, even though there is no diagnosis yet. In such a case that you are either depressed, or have anxiety, or other mental illnesses, then you need to understand that an illness is an illness. Not a state of health and normality. If the illness is causing negative thoughts and obsessive thinking about past events, then we can conclude that these thoughts are not facts. They are a symptom of an illness. It is not a fact that you deserve self hate. It is not a fact that your past actions are regrettable. It is not a fact that you will never meet anyone you care about as much as the past two encounters.
When recovering from a mental illness, what you learn is to distance yourself from the thoughts that are related to the illness. It can be difficult to distance yourself from a mental illness, because it is in your mind. If your illness was having the flu, you would sneeze and have a running nose and a headache etc. You would also be able to differentiate these symptoms from your regular state of health, which is how you know you are sick. You would also know, from experience, that you will recover. With a mental illness, think of the negative thoughts as the illness, the symptoms. They aren't who you are. They are symptoms. I have periods of negativ thought patterns where I spiral down as well, so this is why I recognize what you are saying. And when in such periods, it can be darn difficult to see an end to it. Like having a flu that never ends and you can't even remember a time where you didnt have one. But then it clears. And there is sunlight and positivity. And then I know; this is what reality is, this is what having a good period is and this is what I want to work towards having more and more of. But yes, when you're down the rabbit hole it feels like eternal darkness and no getting out. So I get that you feel, right now, like you will never find someone you care as much about and this fills you with endless regrets. But remember: those thoughts are the illness. Not reality.
Working on your mental health without help from a -good- professional, is extreme. It requires much self dicipline and having as few distrations as possible. Maybe a yoga retreat or meditation could help. Somewhere were you can truly focus. Many people who suffer a mental illness start to self medicate, either through drugs, alcohol, or use self harm or develop ODC as a way to try and control their surroundings. So beware, that if you give in and just go with it, follow the negative thoughts and dont work on them (either by yourself or with professional help), you might get worse. And there will be no one to stop you. Society as it is built up now, does not work to help people with mental illness. You're pretty much on your own. If you fall of the tracks and follow the negativity, you are on your own, just like you are on your own right now. More problems will not mean more help. So do what you can now, while still young, to change this negative thought pattern. I don't mean to scare you, but sitting by and waiting for someone to come help you, will not work. You made a step today, by writing here in this forum. I am glad you did. It shows that you want things to change. You want to get better.
The mind can do amazing things. I believe you can and will get better. Not right away. And there will be set backs. Allow yourself those set backs, and look at the big picture. As long as you are getting better; having fewer bad days and more good days, it is working. Then you can end up like me, having periods where things are good, and then periods where things are bad (up to a year in my case, which is why it can feel really never ending while it lasts...). The one who can get you out from the shadows and darkness, and into the sun, is you.
One last bit of advice. You might not be who you think you are right now. Growing up, there is so much that influences us, things that affect us, and things that end up as what we think is parts of our personaliity. Things that just sink deep into our subconsciousness, so deep we think they have always been there. When you shed your mental illness, when you recover, you might find that parts of you will change. Like your personality, or what you thought was your personality. So it will be beneficial to your recovery, to know that you are not a static being. The personality you present to the world is put together by moods, feelings, experiences, reactions, memories etc. But you, your core, can be something quite other. Finding your core, and knowing who you really are, will help you in your recovery. Your core self will be your anchor.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2021):
 OP, I'm sorry you got hurt.
Rejection is part of the human experience in various forms. From love interests to jobs, to a variety of other things. We all get rejected in life. Everyone one of us.
You didn't get singled out to be rejected.
Your friend rejected you because she didn't feel the same way. That happens. It wasn't because YOU weren't good enough or tall enough or "whatever" enough. She just wasn't INTO you romantically.
YOU are not going to be every girl's cup of tea. Not every girl is going to be YOUR cup of tea. That is reality.
As for regretting asking her out, LET it go. Regrets are only "useful" to the point where you LEARN a lesson for it, not to be used to "punish" yourself for years to come.
YOU will make mistakes in life. WE have ALL made some. Asking your friend out might have BEEN a mistake, because you presumed she would like you back. You didn't consider that SHE might feel differently. So learn from that mistake.
TAKE your time getting to know a girl BEFORE asking her out, don't put ALL your eggs in one basket (and no, I don't mean cheat or date multiple girls at the same time, OK? I mean BE OK with having to get to know more than ONE girl and if she isn't into you, move on).
Learn to read people better. If you are not great with reading people (girls especially), work on it. A girl being your friend, talking to you. hanging out with you doesn't automatically mean she is romantically interested.
Dating someone, even for a short time can be a mistake, but again IF you learned something from it? Then take it as a lesson. Not something you need to regret and beat yourself up about. You weren't ready to date? OK, it happens! It's OK!
Don't tie in your self-esteem with another person (aka a GF) your WORTH as a person is about YOU. What you have to offer (and no, not just monetarily but as a person) For some it's about their looks, their materialistic things, for others is more about the personality, the sense of humor, being faithful, supportive, kind, caring, helpful, creative. etc. There isn't JUST one way to be attractive to others.
Work on you, OP.
And perhaps think about having a wee bit of therapy. Being rejected by ONE girl really should spiral you into a depression. That just sounds too dramatic. Learning how to come with rejection and your own feelings is something that you need to learn as you grow.
Rejection sucks. Being able to brush it off and getting back up will help you move on in a healthy matter.
And GOOd for you to be making new friendships at Uni! Keep at it, but DO try and keep romance out of these friendships.
Good luck
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