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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I am a 36 year old single woman. I have not been able to find happiness since I split from my long term partner due to his alcoholism. I have been dumped twice by commitment phobic men and just as I was getting disillusioned met someone else. He is a very kind hearted man, he runs a successful business and there seem to be plenty people around him who like him very much. He is very keen on me and is the first man I have met in years who is open and affectionate. I popped round for coffee at around 4pm on Sunday to find that he had a friend there. They hadn't slept since a party the night before and where snorting cocaine and drinking. Not only that but his 7 year old son was in the house. He made sure his son didn't see him take the drugs but never-the-less he was in his charge whilst under the influence. His son wasn't sent to bed until 10.30 armed with a choclate bar even though he had school the next day. The man in question has gone away for two weeks to do business and e-mails me everyday. He is very thoughtful and caring. I would ideally like to continue the relationship. I think everyone deserves a second chance but how do I tell him that I totally disapprove of his behaviour and should I do it by e-mail before he returns or wait the ten days until he returns?
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (13 January 2006):
 I'm gonna be controversial here.
I would rather have someone on coke looking after my kid than someone totally out of his mind on booze.
Don't forget that just a little over 100 years ago, cocaine was seen as a tonic for all ills, particularly for the upper classes of the time. It wasn't medical fact or social problems that saw it outlawed, it was political.
I know many young professionals who take the "naughty stuff" for special occasions without great damage to their lives. It must be occasionally though. Otherwise the drug does have a propensity to eat chew you up and spit you out a shivvering, paranoid, coke-hungry f*** up of a human being.
I would be tempted to take the "health" angle. We now know that coke is bad for the heart. Do some research on google and tell him that you're worried for his health, but don't come across preachy and don't dump this guy, who sounds like he's got his s*** together, because of this one perceived misdemeanor.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
HBF
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (13 January 2006):
 This man, although you think he seems caring and affectionate, obviously has some problems seeing what is inappropriate behaviour. I think you have to tell any person you meet and are thinking about starting a relationship with about the things you disagree with, as it will only get harder as time goes on. If he is serious about you, maybe you can come to a compromise.
As for doing this with his son in the house, it's disgusting and I don't blame you for being upset. I would have stormed out and gone straight to child protection services and the police, but I guess we're very different. Trust your instincts about this man, he doesn't sound like someone you want to be hanging around with. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (13 January 2006):
 Well, this is a tricky situation unless your ready to be single again. First, he seems like he's really cool and conducts himself accordingly. I guess you should give him bonus points for at least having his affairs in order. Secondly, yes you should approach him about his party he had with his friend, however, definately look him in the eye when you do it. I am 36 and I can honestly say I usually can't tell if an e-mail lied, but I can if a person does it. Next, make absolutely sure that it was recreational use and not a habit. Sounds funny but mid thirties is not the time to pick up the coke habit (ya know what I mean). Lastly, 99% of women do not want another person telling them how to raise their children; I'll guarantee you 100%of men don't wanna hear it. I would approach the issue with one of a delicate matter; in other words, DON'T bring the child up in front of him; about him. Just note that you would never do that in front of A child. Then your not pointing fingers. Another factor to consider is his friend. My friends whenever I finally do get to hang with them (like once a year for the weekend trip) influence my decision making ability. Now if he does have a problem GOOD GUY OR NOT. Introduce him to your long term partner.
Sincerely
Ed
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