A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost seven years now. Last year I found out he was cheating on me through email. The girl he was talking to had an ex that actually told me. I guess they used to chat online alot back when they were younger. They some how got in touch again right around March of last year. In the meantime I had no idea, we went on vacation to Jamaica and he proposed to me there and everything. Well when I confronted him he swore up and down it wasn't true. Something in my gut was telling me that it was so I checked phone records and emails and there it was pictures and emails. He never physically cheated but did verbally. Things he said about me, and the things he told her just hurt so bad and still do. He told her things he's never told me which hurts even worse. I look back at those months and feel like everything that went on during that time was fake. Like vacation, proposing, my son's birthday party... he was calling her. Did I also mention I have a two year old and another on the way. I am trying to get past this but feel like its impossible. I keep thinking he is going to do it again since he's done it once. I feel like its somehow my fault, I didn't see it coming. i do love him just not sure if I am in love with him any more. I certainly do not trust him yet or if I ever will. Please help I am so confused, should I try or just move on?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your information, not sure what I am going to do yet. I will keep you informed on what goes on soon.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): You must be very disappointed with him. He probably made it ok in his own head by thinking it isnt "real". If there is no pyhsical contact, many think its ok to behave the way he has done. But it isnt ok and it is very real! As you have discovered, sadly. He could have left her alone or not responded to her. He could have responded in a positive way, telling her he was with you and happy. Kept chit chat to mundane things.....if he really felt the need to talk to her at all! But he chose to talk to her...and behave badly. Im sorry he did that, especially as you are pregnant with his child. He had no business proposing to you or getting you pregnant if he didnt/hasnt got proper feelings for you. And it would certainly seem that he hasnt. If he wants to be with you, make him prove it now by being the sort of partner he should have been all along. Tell him, he has to change his number and email this woman, explaining that he wont be contacting her anymore because he loves you and doesnt want to distress you any further. Tell hum you will be checking his pc history so not to delete anything. Also check his phone whenever you feel you need to. If he agrees to the above, then agree to work on the relationship with him. you are the one thats been hurt, he has to actively work at regaining your trust. If hes not prepared to do that, then hes not worth bothering with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): Since you have kids together I think you owe it to them to do the work in this relationship before you just walk away.
What your boyfriend did was wrong, sort of an emotional affair since he kept it hidden from you, but I am not sure of what you mean by things he said about you.
For what it's worth, seven years is a long time to be with someone without being married, perhaps he just got bored or needed a female friend to bounce things off of about your relationship. We all are guilty of sometimes saying things about our loved ones to someone we think they will never hear about it from. Often this is a way to just vent or get someone else's perspective, so you may be taking this a little too hard.
Of course this isn't your fault, but give the man a break, you snooped, and he didn't really turn this into an actual affair and in a year's time if he wanted to, I am sure he would have.
Still your trust is broken and that has to be rebuilt. I think you both should get into counseling. You first. I think it would be very helpful to have professional help you process this and come to your own decision. I think he should have some individual help two as well as couple's therapy. Like I said, with kid's involved you owe it to them to do the work in your relationship and then if you feel things just won't work out between you two as a family, then you can know you earned your way out of the relationship.
It is always a bad idea to make this kind of a decision when you are still feeling hurt and angry because you aren't really thinking at all.
Hope it works out for the best.
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A
female
reader, YourDestiny11 +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Well for starters its not ur fault at all it is completely his. I would just dump him and move on. I know it will be alot harder because u have kids together and everything but u obviously cant trust him and probably never will. He has lost ur trust and whats a relationship without trust. Good luck hun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This reminded me a little of one of my relationships. I thought this guy was amazing and everything I wanted, loved him to peices, then found out he was cheating on me and like you say, not physically, but verbally. (Flirting over the internet with an ex)
It's no way on earth your fault, so you shouldn't be thinking that. The fact he proposed to you shows he did care for you enough to do that, so I'm guessing he did love you. But all the emails and stuff to that girl just shows he can't be trusted and had no respect for you what so ever. He took you for granted bigtime, I think he forgot all what he had with you.
I gathered the children are his. I don't think you should give him another chance hun, he will only do this sort of thing again. Like they say, once a cheat, always a cheat.
Obviously only you know how bad it was for you were the one who seen the emails. I don't know what he said in these emails but I'm guessing it is bad the fact he told her things he never you. Either way it's not as bad as physically cheating anyway. This doesn't make much difference however, it was completely wrong of him and he didn't treat you with the respect you deserved.
I think you should move on from this man, not saying the children shouldn't keep in contact though. Once you meet a man who really loves you for you, doesn't go behind your back and respects you and your feelings you will think what a waste of time he was.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, Hopefulbutlost78  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 well i can tell you that cheating is a pattern behavior that almost assuredly repeats itself...if he can lie,lie frequently and tell the biggest lies, then hes not for you.thats probably not what you wanted to hear,but i think you would find it best to move on before you commit to a lifetime of lies and cheating.once a cheater,always a cheater.Only in his mind, he hasnt actually done anything yet.The bottom line is that he has formed an emotional bond with another woman.For that he cannot be trusted.
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