A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,I'm really hoping someone out their can help me as Im so damn confused. My girlfriend and I have been together nearly 4 years. My problem is that lately (over the past few months) she just doesn't seem interested in being intimite with me at all. We haven't made love in over 3 months and she never holds me close or kisses me ,unless I kiss and hold her first. She says that she loves me more know than she ever has and never wants to loose me but if I try to talk to her about my problem she accuses me of only wanting her for sex which is completely false. She has only ever initiated sex once in our relationship(about 2 yrs ago and only cuz I told her I like it that way), but shes not interested in anything now.I see the couples out on the street and see how theirs GFs are all over their partners and it makes me so confused. Please help I love her to bits and im so confused!!!!
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female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 i know its a bit delayed, but i've been away!
If she doesn't respond to anything, i've suggested or if she is not responding positively with couples counselling, then you need to think of the possibility that there may be another man or that there is a deeper lying issue such as she may not be interested in you anymore! She may say that she loves you more now than ever but that may be because she doesn't want to hurt you!
Love is give and take, if you keep giving and you don't see anything in return, you may start to resent her and i don't think you want that!
There are so many women out there dying to find a guy like you, maybe you should give it to someone who wants your love and affection and they would be more than willing to give it back to you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): Hi man, it must e hard for you. but here is the truth. she does not love you as much as she claims. if she does why woud she be so selfish? love is agive and take game. if you are giving and not receiving it's time for you to make a change. there are so many girls out there just waiting for your love. Man, go out and find one that will return your love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): Don't jump to conclusions, Kermit!
He said it went cold, not he went cold. After she told him, SHE went cold. She is the one withholding sex, not the other way around.
Counseling for her was a great suggestion, and if she will allow it, you should go too...
This will be a long, bumpy road for both of you though. Be prepared to be very supportive. You are going to have to be very strong if you are attached to this girl because from the way you are describing her, she's not just going to change overnight.
You should not bring this topic up unless she initiates it, IMO. Timing is everything. Wait till the right time and then suggest talking about it and maybe lead into the next suggestion....
I suggest counseling, her first then both of you together. She has now involved you in her feelings and she probably has turned herself off to you because she didn't get the kind of reaction from you that she wanted when she revealed this to you. Or, she is acting out to share her pain with you, so you know it's hurting. She is obviously very hurt inside from her experience.
And about having more sex, you are going to have to get used to more masturbation for a while and go very slow with her. Pressuring her before she has this issue resolved between you and her is a mistake.
Hope this helps a bit...
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Well this makes total sense now. Firstly I am going to suggest couples counciling. Her for her date rape, and you for not being to handle it.
Dude, you went COLD on her? No wonder she does not trust you to be intimate anymore. Everytime you brought it up, you violated her emotional needs. You need to get over more, before she does. She can not be the strong one for both her AND you.
When she needed you most to be physical and loving with her, you REJECTED her, and made her feel emotionally responsible for being attacked.
Get into couples counceling,damage control time. Good Luck.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys,
Thanks for your answers. Their is no way in hell I am ending my relationship. She means the world to me and i love her with every ounce of me. She has told me that she hasnt cheated. She told me years ago about 1 of her "friends" had forced her to have sex with him(before we met) ,she hasnt truly dealt with it and to be honest its me that keeps bring it back up and as I cant get over the fact that it happened to her. She used to be intimate with me when we first met but after she told me about what happened it went cold. I do not want to loose her and I love her with everything that I am. How do I make things better??
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 June 2007):
Not giving you sex, and then accusing you of only wanting sex is a manipulation tactic. Something deeper is going on. I suggest that you start to look for a new girlfriend. She has either started seeing someone else already and is saving herself for him, or she is dealing with a past of abuse but not well enough that it will save your relationship.
Get out now before you lose more time.
Also, does she suspect you of cheating on her for any reason that would make her go cold? Is one of your male friends who wants her for himself turning her against you? Has she been in an accident that cuases her to be in constant pain, making sex the last thing on her mind? Is she in a depression or mourning? These factors may contribute. If it not any of these things...I think the end of your relationship is coming.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Well sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but it is a very big part, you say you have tried everything to make her feel secure in the fact that you do not want her for just sex and that has not made any difference.
You are young and have been in a relationship for four years that sounds very one sided, you need to think about how much longer you can actually put up with this for, you could suggest going to see a sex therapist and see what her responce to that is.
If she is not up for that idea is this relationship really worth it.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (26 June 2007):
Hi! Confused: You Don't have a problem, She does, and that is what is giving you a problem. A healthy relationship is based on the mutural giving and taking within that relationship. your relationship is out of balance, but you don't want to see that. As for love, I don't think she would know what that is. Then it could be that it's her way of wanting out of the relationship. It's time for you to be moving on. Yes I would say,You are long over due for a change. There are lots of caring,loving women in the sea of life besides her. And it's time for you to go fishing.
So now you know what you don't want,how about going out and Finding that someone who knows how to receive and give love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tinkz,
I have tried this before and Im veryly quickly told to leave her alone or "no not tonight" or "I can't sleep if you keep touching me". I always hold her bed and tell how much I love her and how special and beautiful she is. As for the " make gentle insinuations." I have done this and believe me its not worth it, She just tells me that I only ewver want her for sex which is told rubbish . I love her for her I just wish she was more intimate.
Thanks,
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A
female
reader, Tinkz +, writes (26 June 2007):
Hey, well i'm not sure how much this will help but i'm going to try!
Instead of talking to her and making it feelto her that you pushing for it, make gentle insinuations.
Get her something small that she will think is cute or will have some sentimental value to it, then gently keep bodily contact and when you go to bed, gently touch her and let her know how wonderful you think she is! When girls say flattery will get you know where they lying! We all want to know how much we appreciated
Let me know
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