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male
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*eanonel
writes: I have had a similar experience just happen to me. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years. For around 3 of those years I kept on saying that we needed to take a break (even a short one) from each other and then I could consider a more serious commitment. I did not think it fair to promise to love and cherish her and give her the best life I could when I was struggling to look after myself!! She always had an excuse to not move apart for a while, I felt restricted at the time, and out of respect for her (she's a good person) I continued with the status quo. I have had some financial difficulties leaving me dependant on her. I work and make as much money as she does but I don't have my own bank account.She recently went on a work trip for two weeks and when she returned I discovered that she had been in bed with another work colleague who himself is in a relationship. It seems as if this ****** has found her vulnerability an easy way 'in'. He still hasn't told his partner. My now 'ex' says she now suddenly needs space and time to think?! I'm finding it difficult to afford this luxury to her considering her responses to my same request over the last four years but am willing to give it a try. I think I know that we're going to break up.I can see a lot of pain ahead for her because this guy is just a fly by night and - even if they were right for each other - he shouldn't have pulled her after just two weeks of knowing her. He's dangerous, she's vulnerable and I don't know if I could ever trust her again after all her lying to me about the incident. She's still seeing him and sending messages to him... I am willing to give it my best go though. I'm just so confused and so very very sore. What should I do?
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a break, cheated on me, money, needs space Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2006): Don't stay stuck in a situation where you are unhappy. Whatever you think you owe her, you're wrong. You owe it to yourself, over anything else, to be happy. Get out of this relationship before it's too late. I don't know about your financial situation, but I'm sure there must be friends or family who would be willing to help you out. Am I right? For your sake, I really hope so. You are worth more than this! You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you with love and respect. I have been involved in cheating relationships, and cheaters don't change. Every time they cheat it only becomes harder to leave them. If you marry her and become completely dependant on her, it will be next to impossible to get out. So, please, do it now. Find a friend or family member who can give you a place to stay for a little while. Get out of her grasp. She doesn't deserve you. You seem like a really good guy, and I know you deserve a good girl. She clearly doesn't love or respect you. You're entire presence to her is nothing but a joke. Don't be a doormat! You deserve so much more than that. From everything you have told me, I know that you will remain unhappy if you decide to continue on with this relationship. Stand up for yourself! Tell her what's what and get the hell out. Do this for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy! Feel free to message me any time you like. I'm always willing to listen. I know what it's like to be stuck on the fence, but you can clearly see that the grass IS greener on the other side. Don't put up with this anymore! Make yourself happy. Do what's right for you. Be brave, stay strong, and take care! I wish you all the luck in the world!
~RJGirl
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reader, seanonel +, writes (4 August 2006):
seanonel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you RJGirl. You have given me some wise advise. I have already told her that if she continues to see him then I have to assume she does not want to continue as a couple. Heartbreakingly, I discovered her phone records. And saw one number (his I found out after questioning her). It seems as if she sends text messages to him at work where he is also and after she 'goes to bed' at night which is now suddenly 10pm instead of her usual 11pm. I abhor the fact that she is being deceitful, untruthful and dishonest. On the other hand I have a feeling that she thinks I won't forgive her.
Unfortunately I cannot get away from her as my finances are in a pickle. I feel like I'm not a man at all. The first night she got back I tried to become intimate which was shrugged away. I continued by myself (I don't know if I am allowed to say this kind of thing) and at the crucial moment looked at her and wondered why she had such an amused look on her face. Now I think I know. I feel like I'm a joke amongst her and her friends because I'm stuck and there's nothing I can do.
She's changed overnight. She was such a sweet gentle girl who was so sensitive to emotion. Now she is hard and callous within the space of a few days.
I'm not a virgin, but I have abstained for many years so that I would at least have something to give my wife. Last I knew she was a virgin too, but I think that her transition into womanhood has been done in such a deceitful manner that it is not a beautiful thing as it should be. The change is too drastic.
One other detail which I neglected to mention in my first post was that I had decided to marry her on her return despite the difficulties. I felt she had given me her life for so long that we must have loved each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2006): You are right to be upset. This IS unfair to you. If you're going to give her another chance, the first thing you must do is tell her to cut off the contact with this man. She should do so without hesitation. If she can do that, it shows that you are number one in her life and that she is willing to make the necessary changes in order to gain back your trust. It would seem, however, that she wants to think about whether or not YOU are worth her making those changes. She's taking this time to decide who is worthy in her eyes, and like I said before, it's unfair to you. You said that 'you think you know that you're going to break up'. To me that sounds like you KNOW you're going to break up, but it's not what you really want. Consider the pros and cons of each scenerio and decide for yourself what you really want to do. As many people say to me when I ask for advice, only you can ultimately decide what you will do. Just consider the outcome of your choice beforehand. Also keep in mind that you deserve the best, and make sure that you and your girlfriend/future girlfriends know it! I wish you the best of luck and I hope that everything works out for the better. Stay strong!
~RJGirl
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