A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy back in July, he was amazing, and for me, it was instant love...not so much for him. He had been divorced for about a year..his exwife had cheated on him. Things were great for a little while, but he was obviously not ready to be in a committed relationship, and I was..its what I was looking for, so I told him that I was going to let him go...this was at the end of a two week stretch of not seeing each other. I couldnt stay away from him...I loved him and had already confessed this...We ended up going on a few dates for about a month, and then he introduced me to his kids, I introduced him to my son, we were inseparable for a while, I met his family..he didnt meet mine yet. Then we went on a date on a Friday night, and he was acting weird..his phone was blowing up and it was his "brother" or his "tattoo artist". Ok, so I asked him about his tattoo artist..its a female, and I was like..Why in the hell is she texting you? Isnt she married..with three kids? He then told me thats why I had nothing to worry about. I was like, no..thats really not okay, your creating a toxic situation for her and us, but you do whatever. I let it go because I love him..and I didnt want to fight. That following Monday he hugged me buy and he went to work and then I left his house to go back home for a few days to work..I would say I love you, and he would just say "awe" or something idiotic like that. I was panicked..I let that go for a few days too and then I questioned him about it. That following Thursday I was like "so..you dont love me anymore?" He then said he was confused about us and just didnt know anymore. He was "confused about life"..he "didnt know what we even were". Ok, so I was totally devestated...About a week went by, his mom deleted me off facebook, and added his tattoo artist....so I kinda put things together. He texted me out of no where asking how I was...and I questioned him about her. He basically confessed that he was now seeing her, they had slept together. I was SO upset..but he wouldnt stop texting me. I was confused about his intentions and eventually he said he knew he loved me, had never felt such remorse about how he had been treating me. I was so mad at him..but I forgave him. Forgiveness IS love. He obviously had some issues he needed to work out and I was willing to be by his side while he did just that. He ended things with her, and I told him he wasnt allowed to see her or get tattooed by her again. At first he agreed... but then he asked if his friend went with him (his bandmate), if he could just finish the custom tattoo. I agreed, because I wanted to trust him. We were okay for maybe 2 weeks. I went out of town the weekend before Christmas to visit family, and he had a show in the same town his tattoo artist lived in (hes a lead singer of a metal band)... he texted me that Saturday morning and said he needed to tell me something..that he had gotten tattooed, he sent me a picture, it was a new one, he hadnt finished the one I told him it was okay to finish. SO, I just simply stated it would be AWESOME if he would eventually stop seeing the girl that he had left me for basically just to screw. I was debating just ending things..he wasnt respecting me and my needs, it was all about his vices. I asked him if his bandmate went and he said yes, I ended up asking his bandmate myself where he said No, he didnt... I was torn, I love him, I needed him..the thought of not having him in my life was just devestating to me. So he was pretty short with me that entire weekend I was away. I never brought up the tattoo thing or the fact that I knew he had lied to me about someone being there with him... then as I was driving home on Monday he texted me and asked if I had met someone "up there" because I never called..but I did text him all weekend even tho I was mad at him, and let him know what we were doing..etc.. This just sent me over the edge, needless to say I just ended things. He was being so disrespectful and lying.. I never told him I knew the truth about his bandmate not going.So two days after Christmas.. I was hurt, alone..and his bandmate had been texting me, telling me he never trusted that guy anyway..blah blah blah..he wanted to see me, hang out. So I dont know why but..I ended up driving to go see his bandmate. We did sleep together..afterwards I felt so sick to my stomach, I felt like I had betrayed him, even tho I knew I had been the one who was lied too...I left that guys house with no intention of ever going back. I felt disgusting, Ive never done anything like that in my life... but, I had been so faithful to this one person for the last 6 months..I dont know if I was seeking revenge..or if I was just lost...maybe both.After that happened, I stopped talking to his bandmate, and he kept calling, texting me, saying how much he loved me and cant live without me.. I was so happy but ... concerned that this was just a damaging relationship. That I just needed to move on, but I know in my heart I love this man. He really is my everything... He invited me and my son out to stay with him and his family for 3 days on New Years.. I went, and everything was perfect. He promised to not get tattooed again by that girl, hes making plans to move to my town and he wants me to move in with him. We are totally in love. Its different now, its everything that I had hoped for from the beginning.With all that said, should I tell him about what I did with his bandmate? They have a show in 3 weeks and they will see each other. I'm not sure his bandmate will say anything..but I just feel like that entire situation was crazy and wrong. On his bandmates part for taking advantage of me when I was obviously hurt. I need some input from others.
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christmas, divorce, ex-wife, facebook, I love you, move on, revenge, tattoo, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): Ok seriously, its over! Read your story again to yourself as if someone else wrote it. Stop chasing him, stop. Its over period. Who cares if you slept with his band mate, you were single, anyway he was never really vested in being a boyfriend. Its toxic, its got terrible foundation, move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): It's early on and the relationship has already started off on a bad note with lies and deceit from both ends. There is way too much drama going on already in the premature stage when most at at their best behavior. Imagine how awful the relationship will be one year from now. I say close up shop. The relationship is tainted and bad habits are formed. Leave it alone and start fresh but take some time before getting involved in a new relationship to face your own shortcomings when it come to relationship. You have to trust, accept accountability, not play tit for tat, and so on and so on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): More important than telling him you slept with his bandmate is, in my opinion, to peace this guy out. It sounds really unhealthy, you've both started off on a really bad foot and it's going to continue to evolve on a shaky foundation built on deception and lack of trust. One thing that stood out for me that speaks volumes of your bf's character (apart from the cheating) is that his mom deletes you on fb and adds his new flame. What does that tell you? It tells me that he grew up in a household seriously lacking in emotional maturity, where anything goes, with minimal scruples. A mother should not be endorsing that kind of behavior. And the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. But if you love him and want to try to help him and save him then stay with him. And no I wouldn't tell him about the bandmate. First off, he was out cheating on you. Secondly, you both weren't together because he was out hooking up with other girls. So no, he doesn't need to know, furthermore, technically it wasn't cheating since you weren't together. I wouldn't sweat it at all.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 This "relationship" if you can call it that is OVER.
You are to possessive, jealous and controlling. I'm not surprised he ended it after all the aggro you gave him. You had a row about a tattoo? It's up to him if he wants to get a new one. Not you.
So you expect him to say "I love you" because you said it to him? Basically, you wanted to hear him say it so you thought you'd get him to say it by saying it first?
Let me get this straight; you "just simply stated it would be AWESOME if he would eventually stop seeing the girl that he had LEFT me for basically just to screw" then you were "hurt, alone..and his bandmate had been texting me, telling me he never trusted that guy anyway..blah blah blah..he wanted to see me, hang out. So I dont know why but..I ended up driving to go see his bandmate" and had sex?
You have no integrity and cannot be trusted. Don't play so dumb and innocent. His bandmate took advantage of you? You drove to see him honey. It's not HIS fault you had sex together. You could've stayed away. You knew full well what was going to happen. Take some responsibility here.
"I dont know if I was seeking revenge..or if I was just lost"
What a load of rubbish. What kind of excuse is that?
I'm not surprised your boyfriend ended it. You were really giving it to him. You're supposed to be having fun and enjoying yourselves. Instead every time you fight, row and push him. That's a major turn off. Fact is he was with you. You should be happy to be spending time with him. Not up in his face all the time. If he said there's nothing to worry about then why do you persist? The whole "toxic relationship" thing is a bit harsh.
IT IS OVER and there's no going back here.
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