A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, just a quick question.I want your views on cheating. Not a one night stand, a full on affair over a period of weeks. The affair was called off before I found out, apparently they mutually agreed that this was not fair and could not continue, she wanted a relationship my boyfriend wanted to work things out with me. I found out about the affair not long after, he did everything in his power to cover up the reality of what he had done. In the end I had figured out too many things so he had to confess. Since the affair my boyfriend has been like a different man. We had been together 5 years when he had the affair, and in those five years he's loving and tender side had vanished. I was bottom of the priority list and I guess I had become somebody that was always there, not somebody that was exciting or who he wanted to spend time with. I have always known he has loved me. It sounds silly, he has an affair but deep down I do know that he loves me. His family, my family, everybody can see that. My boyfriend has been loving, tender and has spent every second he has free with me. It's almost as if he realises now how much he cares for me. He rings me on his way to work for a chat, rings me on his lunch break to ask how my day is, will ring me as soon as he finishes work to get ready and get over his house. I am his main priority. It's not even as if I am forcing him to spend time with me, he is the person asking me to spend the time with him. He would never comitt to a future with me, he didn't like to plan in advance. Now he has already talked about our holiday for next summer and got brochures for us to choose somewhere. He has booked weekends away for us over Christmas and keeps talking about our future plans together. I guess my question is can somebody ever cheat and really not realise how much they love the person that are cheating on? This is what my boyfriend claims, he says he didn't actually realise how much he loves or cares for me. It has been three months since I found out about the affair and his actions have not changed. He's still loving, sweet and wanting to make me smile. He's now planning a future with me and I genuinely think he's enjoying my company. Do you think that this is still him trying to get forgiven? Or do you think he genuinely does want our relationship to work?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): I've just been in a very similar situation to yourself and found out that my live in boyfriend of 9 year had been having an affair for more than a year and when I called the woman she said SHE wanted more so he called it off as he really loved me and his life with me, so he was actually only using her and reading the replies above it has made me realise that he is also using me and the comfort of my home until some other 'slapper' comes along, and yes, I found some of the sleazy photos of her and she looked like she had come out of a brothel, so yes I am humiliated and I would say he certainly doesn't love me so if you don't take heed of the replies above and dump this creep, you will end up drifting along, keeping an eye on him, waiting on the next time. I've tried for two months now and have become paranoid checking him out and I don't know about you but that is no way to live and I've now lost respect for him anyway so just now finding the courage to tell him to get out. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): Three things I'd like to bring your attention to OP;
Firstly, he sustained an affair with someone he claims to have had absolutely no emotional feelings for. In other words, he wasn't irrationally overwhelmed by lust in a moment of weekness. He went through his daily routine ate, showered, slept, spoke to you, went to work, slept with her, came home and lived each day like any other day. My point is he had lots of time to reflect about how this was a betrayal to you, how it would hurt you, how he should fix his relationship. He had plenty of opportunity to reflect in between the numerous texts and sex sessions with her. He CHOSE to sleep with her over and over again knowing that it would hurt you and knowing that he didn't love her. She was a HOBBY. He chose a HOBBY over your FEELINGS and your RELATIONSHIP. That is how much he cares about you and your well being.
Secondly, the relationship only stopped when she asked for more. He conveniently added that 'this wasn't fair to you' was a contributing factor to them stopping the affair but they both knew that before and during the affair so it doesn't make sense that they stopped because of this reason. Ergo, he only stopped the affair because she wanted to be YOU. Ie, his girlfriend. He already had one at home that he'd been PUTTING UP WITH for 5 years so there was no way in hell he was going to take a second burden. Better the enemy you know right? My point is - he didn't stop because he realised how much he loved you and how much he wanted to make it work. He didn't run home that day and wine and dine you in a 5 star restaurant then massage you that night as a way to start fixing your relationship did he? He didn't immediately start being loving with you after that break up conversation with her. (Even without confessing he could have started being loving again to apologise and fix the relationship) The whole sorry act and the loving guy only started when YOU found out the truth. This whole nice guy act is for YOUR benefit. If it truly came from his heart from his own regret, it would have started before you even knew he'd cheated.
Finally,the inital 'problem' hasn't been fixed. Again, it wasn't a one night stand that disturbed your otherwise happy relationship. It was an affair that punctuated a distant relationship where both you and he were dissatisfied. You need to identify what went wrong and how you can fix it. I'd hate to see you in the same position another 5 years down the line, or 15 years when you have kids in tow. He cannot sustain this act forever. The latent problems you don't acknowledge will eventually resurface and you'll find yourself bottom of the priority list again.
After 5 years, it is normal that a relationship levels out and you are not so clingy and handsy as you were at this start. This 'spending every second he has free' with you is NOT SUSTAINABLE and not healthy. The big question is how he will deal with the normal hum drum of a committed relationship where there's no thrill of the chase. He probably loves the thrill of rewooing you so he is genuine in his affections right now. But what will happen when you forgive him and stay with him, will you become become somebody that is always there, not somebody that is exciting or who he wanted to spend time with again?
It is ofcourse your call to make. If you decide to leave him, then kudos for being brave. If you decide to forgive him then remain vigilant. Once you start feeling that distance creeping in again, cut your losses and move on. Don't keep reinvesting in a relationship simply because you have already wasted years with him.
If it does work between the two of you, well then I'm happy for you both.
Good luck in love.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 September 2014):
 The only time I believe the whole "I never knew how much I loved you until I cheated.." story is when the guy breaks off the affair AND comes completely clean about the affair before the girlfriend so much as suspected anything.
What I mean is - if he had actually HAD a change of heart and honestly realized how much he loved you, it would have been an unselfish love. Instead, he lied, lied some more, and covered everything up until you knew way too much.
I think he *is* trying to make things work, but the thing is, when the "heat" is off, will he go back to the way he was taking you for granted? How about 5 years from now? 10 years and 2 kids later? How about 20 years and a mid-life crisis sets in??
There *is* something else to be said about his character here. He cheated with her for a few weeks, and then dropped her when she wanted more. That's actually disgusting, and it speaks to his character more than any other part in this story. He *used* her to get his jollies, and then he ditched her in the cold when she wanted the other stuff that goes along with the sex. Can you not see how that is in line with the way he treated you before you found out about the affair? He pushed you into the bottom of his priorities until you found out about his cheating. He was mistreating you but in a different way.
I think it would take a long time, and don't be afraid to take that time if you're wanting to make it work. And DO NOT FORGET - he didn't leave her because he was ashamed. He left her because she wanted more than he did -she actually made a relationship demand on him, which is understandable.
Don't forget something else - think of all the things he said to you once he confessed, how it was nothing, he didn't care about her, how it was a mistake, how it was just sex, etc. etc. etc.
What you're failing to realize is that if this was an affair over a few weeks, and he KNEW her, then he was telling HER how bad things were with YOU (remember, this wasn't a one-night stand!), and how he had to tear you down and vilify you to her in order for her to sleep with him. Remember, if he was telling the truth that he rejected her because he wanted to "worth things out" with you, then he spilled to her all of the bad about your relationship to her. That, to me, is as much of a betrayal as the sex, that he chose to systematically demonize the one he said he loved...all for sex.
Do not let him off so easily. It can never go back to the way it was. Sounds like he's trying...but let it take time. And, how can you be so sure he's not lying now? If he really wants to work things out, he's going to need to be transparent with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): Ok, I'm the "cheater" in relationships , not proud of my behaviour or bragging but I've literally never ever been faithful, as soon as a relationship gets "comfy" I'm off to the next exciting thing BUT THEN i met my husband and that changed, I knew I'd never cheat on him as way to scared of losing him but that doesn't stop me wanting the excitement of a new relationship...I have to struggle daily with not turning to someone else when things a bit stade at home...if he's like me and needs the constant need of passion and excitement it will be hard for him, us cheaters aren't bad people just needy selfish ones.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): It's up to you really. If you're willing to forgive and feel he can earn your trust back. You've known there were problems in your relationship all along. It doesn't sound like either of you made a lot of effort to fix it. Now he gets caught in an affair, tries to cover it up, knows he's busted; so now he's repentant and more loving. Why wasn't he this way for the last five years? All your other problems didn't magically disappear.
Okay, he's trying to make-up for what he has done. So, what are you doing to correct what you're doing that contributed to the dysfunction in the relationship? What are you doing to make this reconciliation a joint-effort? Everybody has to do their part.
There are two people in this relationship. Are you the only one doing everything right?
When I caught my partner cheating (meaning caught in the act); it was also nearly six years into our relationship.
My forgiveness was based on a good track record in the past. He had a weak moment. He also has exquisite taste.
If he cheated with a ugly sleazy skank; I'd have been more humiliated and less inclined to forgive him. The co-cheater was very handsome, but brainless and dumb. That didn't make it better, just more digestible. (A little humor here.)
We had a very long and candid conversation. These talks went on for many days to weeks. I had to know what I do that makes him unfulfilled and unhappy. What problems we had between us he didn't feel he could easily bring to me. I avoided looking for blame, and sought the truth. I was prepared for it. If I was to forgive him, I had to share some responsibility for the troubles in our relationship too. We had a great thing going, and some stupid trick wasn't going to ruin that for us. We were very young, but had a solid foundation. We both come from wonderful families with solid marriages. We had good examples to draw from. We fashioned what we had, from what our parents and grandparents had.
Oh, I was pissed as hell. It was no stroll in the park for him. I could have melted steel in the palm of my hand. It took great restraint on my part not to tear his head off. I learned a lot of things from him about myself that needed some work. I knew what he said was true. Then I got my chance to tell him how I felt, and what he did that made life difficult for me. Together we decided to reset our lives, start from scratch, and keep things intact. We still had problems, but we were patient with each other; and had a good line of communication between us. We loved each other to the max! He's dead seven years, and I still feel his love up to now. I feel he watches over me.
I worked as hard as he did. I tried to be fair, and forgiving. It was really hard. He did his best to make it all worth it. So it survived another twenty-three years thereafter. Then he passed away.
I've never regretted forgiving him. He more than made it up to me. The key is, both of us working together and making an equal effort. Trust has to be restored, in order to forgive fully. I already knew he loved me, he knew I loved him. We had to face the truth together. Not pass the blame, but accept our own faults.
Forgive him on the basis of truth and love. Use common-sense. Don't delude yourself.
Do your best to change, so you are both happy within the relationship. He shouldn't be sentenced to proving himself for the remainder of your days together; unless you are willing to correct your faults in exchange. Try to make it good for the both of you. Otherwise; you'll just be getting narcissistic supply from making him suffer and toil in his guilt, while proving how sorry he is. While you're always keeping trust and forgiveness just out of his reach. If you're bitter, let him go!
That makes all the difference. Neither of you know if it will ever happen again. I guess that's what he has to prove to you. You will also have to prove that you're willing to do what you can to improve the relationship, to make it worth saving.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2014):
 I think it's a combination of realizing that he actually didn't WANT to lose you and not wanting YOU to realize that maybe he isn't AS good of a guy as you thought he was. Or did he END it because SHE wanted more? And HE didn't want that. Because, let's face it he was getting his cake (you) and eating it too (her) - but if she PUSHED for him to DUMP you so they could be together, that MIGHT be why he ended it.
Now see a ONS I can see being a HUGE mistake, but an affair lasting several weeks?
I don't know. Personally, I don't believe in staying with a cheater. Specially one who doesn't confess till he is actually caught in to many cover ups and lies.
But only YOU can decide if you can work past it. People SAY forgiveness is easy, it's not. Forgiveness is easy to SAY to someone, but to ACTUALLY forgive them in your heart? MUCH MUCH harder.
The question is more... WHAT do you want?
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (27 September 2014):
 It sounds like he's sorry. But I guess if his dedication and action disappears then it will feel different. I think it's totally possible for him to be genuinely sorry but it's really up to you if you feel your relationship can ever be the same again
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