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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi,Sorry, but this will be a long one as there is a lot of history here. I recently broke up with a woman I reconnected with in January this year. We had lived together for two years 30 years ago and had not seen each other since. The first time, I was 18 and she was 24. She was living with and then briefly married to a friend of mine and they had two very young daughters. I am now 51 and she is 57. The first time ended badly and this time was even worse. When we began a relationship this last time, she had been separated for 7 months from an African American man she had been married to on and off for 14 years. They work together and saw each other almost every day. She has been married 5 times and this was the longest she had been married to anyone previously. My ex-wife who had nearly been killed by her husband was now living with me and our son at my house until she could gather herself and begin to look for a place of her own. I had broken up with someone the prior Christmas eve and had begun dating someone almost immediately. The scenario is set.The ensuing romance was whirlwind, dynamic and like a fairytale. All the details would fill pages and there is not enough room. To hear the story made many people actually cry at the beauty of it. If it had worked, it would have made a great movie. She and I both felt that God had brought us together, saying that the time was finally right. We spoke 6 hours a night, she told me she should have married me and then asked me to marry her. My head was spinning. We were having a great time together and this was a woman who massaged me every single night after we made incredible love and would sing me to sleep. And I would reciprocate. I unfortunately bought into this big time.What followed were physical threats to her by her ex when she began coming up here for the weekends and sometimes a week at a time. Though separated, he still considered her HIS WIFE. And, really, in God's eyes, she was. The threats were constant, to the point that she could not go to work and she decided she really needed to be up here sooner than later anyway. There were many more complications between them that started me thinking about the whole relationship. Was she really done with him, had she misled him, was she lying to me and him...to herself. She told me how horribly he had treated her, caused them to lose a house, gotten them into trouble with the IRS to the tune of 8 years of non payment of joint taxes, cheating, no sexual relations for 3 years. He finally found out about me through the oldest daughter and told her he knew, saying he would kill us both if he saw us together. I relayed a message saying, come and get me.(Yeah, I know, grow up...)The week before she was to move in with me , she filed for divorce and immediately a tragedy befell her youngest daughter. Nothing happened to the daughter physically, but the tragedy caused a huge emotional upheaval that required 24 hour vigil and comforting. And my girlfriend began to make her daughter's misfortune her own. I did not hear from her for 4 days - she would not return my calls. I finally called the oldest daughter to find out if everyone was OK and what was going on. After a few minutes of reassuring info about the situation, she proceeded to tell me how horrible her and her sister's lives had been because of her mom and how she and her ex had been planning to get together again and were actually doing date nights until I came back into the picture. There was more, too.I finally just called non stop until she returned my calls. She was very emotional, said she was feeling squirrely, said she didn't want me to break up with her, but that she couldn't move in with me yet because her daughter needed her and her intention was to marry me and if I tried to back out of it, she would pursue me to the ends of the earth, that I wasn't getting away. Then, something happened at work that was her fault and put her job in jeopardy and to top it all off, the IRS had caught up with her and the ex and was going to seize everything if arrangements weren't made to pay up. At this point she reiterated everything about wanting to be with me and in the same breath said I couldn't count on her for anything right now and that I would have to deal with my cancer alone. (I had just been diagnosed prior to the incident with her daughter.) Then, she said she was feeling guilty about the lack of attention she had been giving her mother (who she had been living with) and that she couldn't leave her high and dry. Now she didn't know when we could be together. She couldn't pay for her divorce because that money had to be used to pay for her daughters rent. She also said she had been paying the mortgage on the house she and her ex lived in while they were together (he still lived there). It was obvious to me at this point that the relationship was headed south. I began to doubt her and began to need reassurance at the same time I was reassuring her. She begged me to have patience with her. I began feeling hopeless, angry and I was starting to doubt her and not trust her. She told me she couldn't wait to be transferred to another office away from her ex as he hovered, was in pursuit and she said everytime she had to make nice with him, she felt as if she was betraying me. She also said, "You sir, are going to marry me and if you try to get away, I will come after you with a big stick." She would also tell me that if it was not me, then it was no one. She couldn't be with anyone after being with me. Over the next few days, we began laughing again, calling more frequently and attempting to get each other through this horrible time. Then, on Mothers Day, she sent me an incredibly beautiful voice mail saying that she wanted to spend the evening talking on the phone to each otherThat was the last I heard from her for 4 days. I finally called in the early morning and each time she picked up, she wouldn't say anything, just listen to see who it was and hang up. I was bummed, needless to say, and called her innumerable times. The next day I get a voicemail saying not to call her today, that my calls caused problems for her, though our relationship was important to her, it was secondary or below to what she was going through, that she was about to go under and that she was busy trying to save her own ass. She said she had a function to go to that evening and that when she got home, she would call me and we would work everything out. She reprimanded me for not being concerned for what she might be going through and that I would be wise to think on that. Funny, but how was I to know what she was going through if she wouldn't tell me. I never heard from her that night. I called her daughter the next day and she told me that the grandmother had told her that my girlfriend had slept through the ringing telephone, gotten up and gone to work. It was here that I said enough and gave up. I wrote her a brief letter and ended the relationship. She responded with a voicemail saying " I received your letter, thank you so much, I lost my business and three months salary. You know, you're right, this should end. Thank you for the respite from my madness, I will cherish our time and you were always and still are special to me. I will treasure our time always. Oh, and by the way, maybe I can arrange to pick up my stuff. I would love to chat, but if you don't want to, leave me a message and I will respect your wishes. I hope all your health issues are resolved positively. Take care."A few days later, another message saying she was grateful that I still wanted to stay in touch and that she would call me later that she had a "myriad of things she wanted to tell me." I didn't expect a call and of course, didn't get one.I began to move on with my life, began dating, though platonically and eventually began a physical relationship with someone I had dated previously. I also began seeing a therapist who makes me work. I see my friends more, take trips, got to spend quality time with my son before he went off to college, am more social, trying to nuture and improve spiritually, take care of my Dad and deal with my illness.When I was feeling better, my ex girlfriends daughter called me after I had sent her an email wishing her a Happy birthday. I made it clear I did not want to talk about her mother. But who am I kidding, I knew it would come up and sure enough, she told me that her mom was back with her ex husband. I was devastated and didn't understand why she would get back together with him, of all people. I also remembered her saying, if it's not you, it's no one. But I walked it off. Then the ex calls me at work, catches me totally of guard. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hang up but instead, told her some of what was going on and about my recent trip to Europe. She sounded as if nothing had ever happened. Asked about my health, etc., then got to the point. She was going to be in town with her mother and wanted to know if she could pick up her stuff. I told her no, I would mail it to her like I said I would and when I could get to it. She sounded disappointed then resigned and said, "Be good to yourself." Her tone was so false, like a used car salesman. She excused herself and I said nothing. Anger built up in me and I felt hurt and betrayed like I have never felt before. Within a few minutes I cried, something I NEVER do. Everything that had happened throughout the relationship was front and center again. I was angry about her being back with her ex, that there was never any real closure, no apologies or regrets expressed. I felt as if I had never existed or mattered in this whole scenario. I had a lot to say.I called her the following day. She sounded happy to hear from me and I told her, angrily I'm sure, never to call me again for any reason, to stay far away from me and this area and my friends, she was a liar, toxic, a fraud, she was the selfish one, and on and on. I closed by saying she turned me from a man who loved her into a man who only wished the worst for her. And then some...She said she wanted her things and began to call me a coward,mean, insensitive...but I stopped her and told her never to contact me again, that I didn't want to hear any more of her response. She left me a few more angry voice mails and ended by saying she couldn't believe how I would be so low as to not return her things and that she wouldn't bother me anymore. Funny thing is, I never said I would not send her things...I just never said when. I've sent them and now she has no reaon to call me ever again.I see that I probably acted immaturely here, yet I don't regret it. For once in my life, I spoke my mind and let my true feelings show. I have never been so blunt or direct towards someone I have loved in all my years and relationships.So after all I have written, said, etc.....why I am I having such a hard time getting over this? Why do I still love her? She was the only one who ever effected me this way...she was the first woman I ever loved or lived with. I had a hard time getting over her the first time....why does it feel worse now? How do you move on from something like this? Do you think I want to ...am I holding on to something? Why was it so easy for her to move on and forget about me? I'm a mess.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (11 September 2006):
 Hey Honey what a rough ride that was! How unfair of her to behave this way towards you and it seems that from the outset all she had in mind was how she felt and no one else!!
Im sorry she turned what was so perfect into to something so bad, it cant have been easy for you. And well honey, how dare she say cant you think about how she felt in all of this, when a, it was her doing all of this and b, poor you had to deal with cancer on your own because she couldnt give a shit! Sorry but did she give a damn about you ? No she didnt!! She behaved like a cow when you needed someone most! It does hurt, you loved her so much and truly believed from how she was towards you that she felt the same way and you felt that you had finally found that perfect moment, but she had other ideas and probably did from the start.
Im sorry it has turned out this way for you it cant be easy, but I think because it turned out this way and you didnt have proper closure is why you cant let go. None of this was in your control, it was almost like she flitted in the night and you didnt have a say in the matter. There she is saying I love you, I will hunt you down and be with you, when all the time is behaving very to the contary!! She was leading you into a false sense of security and its hard to believe that she could do this and your finding it hard to deal as it was so perfect and everything you wanted... You feel like you need answers, answers that you wont get, its not quite finished from your point of view.
Your struggling with the fact that she promised the earth and didnt deliver and your finding it hard to understand it.. the reason she moved on is becayse she was the one holding all the cards hon, she knew where she had you, im not saying none of it were true, but she enjoyed the control and enjoyed being the centre of attention. You probably feel deep down inside not ready to let go, not ready to believe how she behaved, you still love her because of the person you are, you caring considerate and understanding, she on other hand was just out for what she could get, one wag of the tail from the ex hun and there she was running back, i think you were a distraction from a torrid marriage.
I cant tell you how to deal to make this better, but all i can really tell you is that in time it will fade and you will move on, but its hard because you feel why shold it be this way, why cant it be so perfect like it started out to be, and your analysing this in your head, maybe to the strenght of how could i have changed it, how could i have keept the perfect moment. Honey it will get easier, and you will come out the other side, it will just take a while to adjust, it doesnt matter what people do to us, if we truly love them as you did her, we dont just switch it off when they behave badly to us its not as easy as that. This is no consolation, but you do have the memories, Thats how I dealt with a break up that i had after 6 years, he hurt me real bad, but i had to get out the other side to survive this thing called life, just by remembering the good times makes the bad times fade, yes its hard and it hurts but it helps you deal, you remember how it was perfect and can then kind of move on to brighter tomorrows as you learn to deal with it. I dont know the solution, but can promise you it will get easier. I wish you the best and I hope you remain in good health.
Take care x x
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