A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm a British guy who was divorced after a long term relationship. I'm from a South Asian background. I posted up my details on a matrimonial site as I was 31 at the time and needed to find a companion. Altho many many girls were interested, I recieved an email from one girl in Canada. We hit it off famously. UNTIL, I saw her pics. She was NOT easy on the eye. As I had already booked tickets to go visit her for 3 days, And she desperately wanted to meet me, I stupidly went along. From the moment I met her at the airport I found her totally unattractive in a major way. Over the 3 days there, she made sure I met all her family and friends... even tho I had said taht i did not wnat to meet anyone and give anyone hope. Her mother was 80 and and only LIVED to see her daughter married and SETTLED finally, as she had been divorced twice so far! the pressure was fully on. I cam back but immediately the pressure built up that her mother had a stroke after I left and the doctors have said she only has about 6 to 8 weeks to live, and just wants to live long enough to see her daughters wedding. I gave in and we got married in Canada 6 weeks later. Altho it was a huge wedding, we only had a religious ceremony and did not register it legally as my earlier divorce was only 18 months prior and my Decree absolute was still 6 months away. She came back to live with me in UK but after 10 months, her mother (who was still alive) became gravely ill and hospitalised, so my wife begs me to move to Canada. I comply and buy her a house, etc., and I commute back and forth to UK every other month. We had a child 3 yrs after this, and then her mother passes away. Now I ask her to move back to teh UK with me (where all my business and property is) and she refuses. So I keep commuting. Finally this year I give in and tell her I might as well get Imported into Canada Legally now, and shockingly she refuses to sign the papers for spousal sponsership....stating she doesnt like the 3 year Support undertaking taht it requires. She is currently in a good job. The houses we have here in canada are in her name alone... not mine, although its ALL my money. I supported her financially all these years.I swallow this too, thinking of my child and the disruption a divorce would cause. There is no love in our marraige and we have seperate bedrooms for a year now. We did have sex once about 3 monbths ago on vacation. We do everything together as a family but its all a charade. we are now both 40. I commute every 6 weeks back and forth. QUESTION: If I end this, how will I ever get into Canada and be in the same city as my Daughter?And NO, I wont qualify for Immigration on my own m,erit as I dont have enough of the points required.My daughter is now 6 and adores me.My wife IS a good mother and generally a good person... albeit a serious person. We are of the same ethnic background and religious beliefs, but divorce is really frowned upon in my family and circle back in teh UK whereas in HER family, each of her 4 brothers is onto their 3rd marraiges. Her own mother had 2 divorces.We are just a hidiously wrong fit.I do not find her attractive in the slightest ... and over the years I have overheard many comments from people about how odd a couple we make. I am a real go-getter in other areas of my life.... but in this relationship, she has all the power and I am always playing to her tune. If I leave her (amicabily), then I can never get residency in Canada. I will spend the rest of my life commuting to come and see my daughter.I would have put up with thsi marraige sham for ever perhaps, but THIS RELUCTANCE to sign on her part has really undermined my faith in her. I feel that after ALL my sacrifices for her, she couldnt give a damm about me! I have wasted 9 years of my life! Please help. Emotional wreck here!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 "I cant just write off two houses ... those are the fruits of my decades of hard-work. WHy should I give THEM up too?"
Good question. One to ask that lawyer. If you can't stand up to your wife, maybe a hired shark can do it for you.
You're blaming her for manipulating you into this situation. When you realize that where you are is actually done by your consent, you can figure out how to get out of it.
I may have mistaken your question. You perhaps want to vent your frustration at your untenable position, and just want a sympathetic ear. If that is the case, I am sorry for offering up a specific suggestion to you. I tend to want to help people find practical solutions to the situations they find themselves in.
When my husband gets a cold, he'll cough and have a runny nose and sneeze and then complain about those symptoms. I'll ask him if he's taken some medicine to alleviate those symptoms. After a couple of hours, sometimes I'll find he's still coughing and dripping and miserable and complaining. I'll ask, 'did you take that medicine?' and he'll say no, he hadn't.
Well, from my perspective, in the initial period when he gets those symptoms, he gets my sympathy, along with the medicine that will help him feel better. If he chooses not to take that medicine, then I don't want to hear him moan and complain about it. If you don't take the medicine that will help you, there's no point in complaining about the symptoms you have.
So your wife has revealed herself to be uncaring and unwilling to help you gain Canadian residency. I'm sure it's shocking and awful and devastating. But now you have your answer of how much she actually cares about you.
I would imagine that your family can look at her family, with all its multiple divorces, and understand that this isn't anything you could control. I am truly sorry that your daughter will suffer from this, again, this is why you need to get some legal help, so that you know where you stand and how you can make sure you keep your access to her.
So where do you want to be? And in what situation? Who can help you get to that point? Go find those people, hire them and start putting them to work for you. Don't allow yourself to cave in emotionally; this won't help your daughter at all. Chin up, shoulders back, get smart.
Get your paper trail and documentation started. Track the money. You're at home alone all day, you have access to the family file cabinets? Make copies of everything. If you don't have a scanner, order one online. They aren't very expensive. You have a computer, save documents onto CD ROMs.
You can't drive? Order up a cab, ask a neighbor for a lift, is there public transportation there?
Get practical, get smart, get help. That will help your mental state, if you feel more in control.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 December 2008):
 I'm sorry, but this is a no-brainer for me. It's very clear that your wife doesn't want you around. If she did, she would sign the papers for the sponsorship. I haven't seen a clearer sign of disinterest than this one.
She can't push you away because you are still supporting her. Or, because she still needs you, in a way. But, the moment she doesn't need you, you will get tossed aside even worse than you have.
If you can't live in Canada on your own, then go back to Britain. Find out whether there is a way you can retain your rights to see your daughter. Since your her father, I don't see how that can't be.
Divorce might be something frowned upon in your family, but I think facades are even worse. A divorce would at least be honest.
From your post, it seems she's been using you all the time. Now you have the chance to stop that.
You won't spend the rest of your life commuting to see your daughter. When your daughter is 18, she will go away to live her own life, and then you will be able to see her anywhere she lives in. By the way, she would go away even if all three of you lived in the same home. There's no way you will live with her forever. Correctly so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL fro taking teh time to read and reply. The last post by Emilyanswers really left me shaken up. It almost sounded like my wife writing it. On the few occassions when this topic has come up a few years ago .. That is exactly the response she would give ..'No one put a gun to your head!'. But she has manipulated the situation ever-so slowly and completely. She is still good to me but has no regard for what my life is like here. There is no need for a legal divorce as we were never LEGALLY married....we had a religious ceremony. Here in canada, I have no real life. I cant work, cant get a driving licence, cant do anything. I sit at home and wallow for a month while waiting for my daughetr to come home from school. Then I leave at the end of the month to go to UK again for my business. I cant just write off two houses ... those are the fruits of my decades of hard-work. WHy should I give THEM up too?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2008):
You have GOT to go see an attorney about this. You need help with both your residency status and potential divorce proceedings. You need someone who knows the systems inside and out in order to maximize whatever good you can extract out of this situation.
It sounds like you've had difficulty standing up for yourself or taking charge of your own life; it is now time to start. Why couldn't you take your daughter with you, and your wife has to commute to see her offspring? I don't know how to help you put some resolve into your approach to this, but it is time to stop taking things lying down. You need legal expertise here, and we're not Canadian immigration or divorce lawyers.
I think you would feel less of an emotional wreck if you were in more control of the situation. I do wish you luck in this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): Set yourself free and your daughter will understand the importance of reaching out for happiness instead of 'putting up and shutting up'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): Dont waste anymore time!!!!!
You will still be able to see your daughter but remember you only have one go at the life, dont waste any more of it with this woman
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 December 2008):
I find it hard to have sympathy for you as much as I probably should.
You have done all this of your own free will. No one put a gun against your head. You could have said no at any time, you could have not had children, you could have put the houses in your name.
Yes you felt pressured into marriage but you got on a plane and made it happen by yourself.
You cannot blame her for your troubles.
Get a divorce and separate and have your little girl come to the UK in school holidays and accept that the houses in her name are lost. It doesn't sound like you are short of cash so write them off and move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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