A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 26 years old. I have a fiancé I've been with for 9 years who is also 26 years old. We have 3 beautiful kids together. My question today is, why won't my fiancé suck me off? I have literally tried everything but I cannot convince her to do it. She never even touched it with her lips until we had our first child. Then when she finally started sucking it she would only do it for around 2 minutes and stop. And if I can convince her to do it for that long at all I already feel bad because I feel like it's forced and not pleasurable for the both of us. Some of her complaints are as follow. She says she doesn't like the way it smells, she says she doesn't like the pre cum that accumulates from me being tuned on, she said to her it's gross. Now I've tried everything to make it to where she will want to suck it. I do have foreskin so before I try for oral sex I take a really good shower and pull my skin back and wash really well with a bar of soap to make sure everything is as clean as possible. I can't really control the pre cum situation because it's natural. And I try to make her feel confident by acting like it pleases me when she does do it for short amounts of time, mostly by moaning and breathing heavily like a turned on person would. But it usually ends up in me not having oral sex for months and me begging like a dog until she will cave and do it for a few seconds. Now a few side notes would be that we were both inexperienced when we met. Both virgins and the most we had done before meeting each other in previous relationships would kiss our girl/boy friends. When we are intimate she only likes missionary and cowgirl positions. She doesn't like when I go down on her because she says it's gross. So yeah I have no idea if I am doing something wrong or if she genuinely doesn't like these things because I want my sex life to be exciting and not so bland. My fiancé I love completely, but would also love for her to be more comfortable with trying new things. Especially since we are getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. She literally doesn't like anything. She doesn't want to kiss me if I've gone down on her. If I convince her to suck it for a while she won't kiss me after and she won't have intercourse and suck it afterwards. She thinks a lot of sexual things are gross. So any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
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both virgins, foreskin, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): Your relationship is on its last legs.You can prolong the inevitable or address the issue now.She won't change. You won't change.Either leave or you will soon find yourself in an affair situation, which believe me, will complicate things even more.Some men in your shoes would go to prostitutes or other women on the side to get their needs fulfilled. And this is the problem that women do not get. When they do not, will not or cannot satisfy their husbands sexually, it drives a wedge between them and 9 times out of 10 the men WILL stray eventually and get their needs met elsewhere. And the women wonder why??? I LOVE giving my BF BLOW JOBS. I live for it. Too bad all women were not like me.You are not sexually compatible with your wife and in all reality, sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. Never settle when it comes to your sexual needs and desires. You will live in absolute misery.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Well it is obvious that she has some hang-ups about it all being gross (both with her on you and you on her).
I think some people are just less sexual that way and more squeamish.
I don't think it is fair that she is so uncompromising about it. But there is not much you can do, except keep telling her how important it is to a relationship. You can get flavored gel, she might like that.
Also people CAN train themselves to alter their thought processes on something that is gross, they have to consciously think of it in another way, and eventually they get over the phobia. However she has to be willing to TRY to think of it in a different way. You two can go see a sex therapist for more tips on that.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 January 2017):
See this mentality right here "why won't my fiancé suck me off?"...That is why...Typical man mentality.
You have turn the action in a childish play thing. Like a spoiled child that cannot get what it wants.
Think about who you are asking for a BJ? Is it some random woman you just met? What is your fiance like? What is her personality? Do you know anything about her except YOUR sexual needs?
Think... She has had three kids. Did you see your kids right after they were born? Do you see how messy the are when they come out? What if she did...and that mess is still playing on her mind. You are sticking your penis in that same messy place, and all she probably thinking is..."I don't want to put that in my mouth."
You want her to have oral...Then love the rest of her first. When she feels that nothing about her is gross, and everything is loved, and appreciated... she will open up more to new ideas.
You are like a fourth child. She has three children that comes with all kinds of demands. From the time they wake up, to bedtime. Then you come along with your demands... begging please, just a bit little more.
Really ??
Have you massaged her feet? Run her a hot bath...going in there and bath her? Take her out and dry her off, then put her to bed without expecting anything?
Think...about how she will feel after a while of you appreciating her like this...day in and day out...just loving every bit of her. What do think she will be willing do for you down the road?
Get in touch with a woman's heart, and she will be willing to please in ways you can't imagine.
Yes...men believe love is found between a woman's legs. But a woman's love is actually found in her heart...not your penis.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (30 January 2017):
 There are a lot of great answers from aunts and uncles on this site for similar questions such as yours. Here is one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/this-bothers-me-a-lot-what-can-i.htmlThat said, in your case--it sounds like shes always been unenthusiastic about oral sex. She calls it gross and has tried it and still didnt like it. I think in your case your fiance has already decided what she does and doesnt like. You were each others first but she is now 26 and she doesnt like blow jobs. In this case, you cant force it. Its not something counseling can change either because she never liked it before or never gave it much either.My advice is know who you are. I agree with Anon female who said sometimes love is not enough. No matter how much I can love a man, if he will NEVER go down on me or even perform some sex acts with me, I WILL NEVER BE WITH HIM, regardless of how good it is outside of the bedroom. I have so many great guyfriends, I dont need another one. The man I chose as my forever man MUST be a willing, loving,sexual, high energy and enthusiastic about every sex act I want and I lovingly comply with everything he wants because I love him and want him happy in every way.I honestly think you have to know who you are and what you want in this case. She will never like BJ and will most likely not want to do it ever again. In your case, you have to know what you can or cannot accept. You cant change her and dont try! Because she will resent you for not accepting her and her values. Just as she also doesnt really comply with yours. You already feel very resentful and unhappy. But I think all sex acts are important and you should never feel bad or awful inside because you want a BJ. All sex acts have value because just as women who love being given oral or sex, men feel the same way. When our needs and desire are met, we feel confident and amazing. We feel desired and loved and valued--these feelings are highly tied to how satisfied we are about our sex lifeBut I also see that you love her and you love your children. She is the mother of your children. Take in everything and think real hard about it. Will you stay with the woman you love and stay a great father, even despite the lack of sexual gratifications in your relationship? Think real hard. Sometimes in the end, you will feel resentful and angry but if life outside of sex can be fulfilling and even more secure, the risk to break it off can be too great.But then again you are young and deserve to find someone who will make you happy not only out of bed but also in bed. Choice is yours to make. Its not easy. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): You guys are sexually incompatible. I'm guessing that she wouldn't allow you to go outside your relationship for BJ's, so I think you have to suck it up, and live without them at least until your kids are older, when perhaps you can break up and find somebody you are compatible with.
Oh and BTW, Like I see it: a lot of women don't mind going from intercourse to BJs. That is not a porn-only thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Your fiancée sounds like me. I would give her props for trying it despite not liking it but you have to accept that your fiancée and mother of your 3 children - that this is how she is. Trying flavoured condoms is a good idea because it'll mask the scent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): In this relationship one of you is going to be unhappy. Actually at the moment it sounds as if BOTH of you are unhappy. She must feel pressurised and repulsed at doing sexual acts that she obviously hates, even if for a short time and you are clearly unfulfilled in the bedroom.
Recipe for disaster. If you think you are going to be happy with never having the sexual acts happen in the bedroom that you crave and will be faithful to her despite this, then continue with your marriage. It sounds very much to me though, that the opposite is true.
I think you will become resentful and actually, already are and I think she will become resentful and actually, probably already is.
Sometimes, as they say, love isn't enough.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 January 2017):
 A note on oral sex: pre-cum is natural but it does have a taste, just like semen. It varies from man to man, and is not always a pleasant taste. You might try tasting your own if you're curious and want to fully understand what it is you're asking of your partner and why she might not find it so appealing. The taste may be due to your diet. The smell... well, if you are fresh out of the shower, have cleaned yourself thoroughly, AND clean the area under your foreskin on a regular basis, your penis shouldn't smell like much of anything. So if it still has an unpleasant odor to your partner, it may be time to see your doctor and make sure everything's healthy and balanced down there. Men can get yeast infections too.
Now, as for why your partner can't just start to enjoy giving you blowjobs... pick any sex act you think is unpleasant and try to imagine forcing yourself to like it because your partner kept asking you for it and wouldn't drop the subject. I don't personally have an issue with blowjobs, for example, but I'd never give a rim job, no matter how fresh and clean my partner got his bum beforehand. And I don't even need to TRY it to know that it doesn't interest me and in fact grosses me out. If my partner considered that a deal breaker, it would be one to me as well. Nobody wants to spend the rest of their life being hounded for a sex act they don't want to participate in.
I give your fiancee kudos - she has been open with you about the fact that she doesn't like this and nevertheless has tried it multiple times to please you. That's really all you can ask. At this point you can either respect her boundaries or keep trying to coerce her into something she doesn't like, and for the sake of your relationship and family I hope you are able to do the former.
As for going from vaginal sex to BJ, that's a move straight out of porn and yes, not all women are going to be up for that either. Some straight MEN don't like to eat women out because of taste/smell so it makes sense that not every woman is going to be into the taste of her own vagina (or willing to tolerate it to please her partner). For your fiancee, who doesn't like blowjobs to start with, really you're just adding a little extra "ick" factor to an act she already finds unpleasant by asking for that.
Hope this helps you understand her perspective a little better. Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 January 2017):
 Would you like to let her give you anal sex? No? Then don't expect her to do something she doesn't like.
A flavoured condom may help, but if she doesn't want to, don't expect her to.
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