A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 4 1/2 years. He is my fist and only serious bf and ever since i fell in love with him i had my future planned out. He loves me so much and is very good to me and talks about getting married all the time. I have been sure that he is the one for years. Lately however i noticed that he and my family were coming into conflict. In a nutshell, my bf went out on a limb to get my little sister a job and after going through everything, she backed out and made my bf look really bad. my sister realized what she did and apologized but my bf wouldn't hear it and was very angry. he wouldn't even look at her in the face when he came over an basically ignored her. This upset my sister and parents and they had a screaming match about why they think they're both wrong. So of course i was stuck in the middle. I didn't really agree that my bf should ignore my sister esp when she apologized and really knew she messed up not on purpose but i understood his feelings. anyway they sorta talked it out and he said he'd be polite to her and not ignore her but he was still angry.So cut to 5 months later and my sister tells me that he's still ignoring her and still angry. I asked my bf and he said that yes he's still angry but didn't feel like he was being rude to her. I can't understand how someone can hold a grudge like that for months. I am all about forgiveness and moving foward but he is not and its starting to put a strain on our relationship. He says i never back him up and support his decisions but how can i support his decision if i dont agree with it? We have been sorta fighting over the last week and now i'm not so sure he's the guy for me if this ishow he deals with conflicts. He can just stop speaking to someone (friend or family) at months at a time and i dont think that's a healthy way to be. I am concerned that he will tear apart my family in the future if he has an arguement with a family memeber of mine and i refuse to be separated from my close family.I'm thinking of taking a break with him to get some clarity or maybe i should just end it and see how that works out too..my family isn't too pleased with him right now and they always say i can do better but ive always disagreed..i just dont want to break up with him b/c my family doesn't like him either.... any advice i'm so torn up about this.. thanks for listening
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Good Advice there from Vintage, I'm wondering whether we have same friend, lol.
My friends husband put a kitchen floor in, and after he finished he put the fridge freezer, tumble drier and washing machine back, next day, in her new kitchen, (she waited 3 months for) put a load of washing on, power was on, water connected, all good to go... however an hour later, she notices water flooding floor, he'd not connected waste pipe...........3 weeks he didn't talk to her, threatened divorce, called her all the stupids under the sun, I could not believe that his mistake had caused this reaction, and I told her so, she replied, its always been the same, he sulks and refuses to accept responsibility for anything and she added that he has fallen out with everyone in her and some of his family members.
She stays, cos if everything is going his way, and no one is pushing 'his bubble' he is happy and fun and the most lovable man she's known, however, after 23 years she says, he spends more time in a year sulking than they do having happiness and fun.
The reason i told you about my friend is because, she always knew he was like this, and she chose to take it, the reason she doesn't leave him, is because she is happy enough in her own life, with her work, her activities, plus he works nights so doesn't see him that often so his 'tantrums' no longer affect her, (took 15 years tho) but the only thing she can't get over, and says still stings more than anything he says (or doesn't say as the case may be,) is the fact she has to attend family functions alone, she said, she's plasters on a smile, and make light of situation, trying to convince everyone that she is happy he isn't their to ruin her fun, but in reality, she feels the lonliest she has ever felt, I asked why she lies to her family, she said, she can't complain cos
A)that would make them know they were right about him,
B) She lost the right to complain when she married him.
Personally, like Vintage, I couldn't live like this, marriage is a partnership, others views and emotions should be considered, and when it comes to your partners family, you should be ready to forgive, for the sake of your partner.
I would have to give him the ultimatum, to either sort it out and grow up, or get out.
Could you live the way my friend does?
Good luck. x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Conflicts within the family is very common. Two of my grand aunts stopped talking to each other 25 years ago because one of them argued with the other's husband and got kicked out of the party in winter. Last year my brother had a wedding. They respected my parents enough to sit at the same table but still didn't talk to each other. You have to accept this is between your boyfriend and your sister. As long as he's nice to your parents I won't worry so much. If he hates your whole family because of this then he has a problem.
I think you should stay but not get married so soon, until you know whether his problem implies some kind of personality problem. He had an insecurity about people being flaky. Maybe his friends were that way to him before and he felt betrayed. If you backed out now he would be the same way to you as he did to your sister. He would be angry for you for a long time that you don't want to go back to him ever. Know what his triggers are and be very sensitive to his need for you to carry out his plans to completion. He probably is a good guy but he despises people who can't keep their promise. Maybe as a kid his parents promised him toys, amusement park, sports games and it never ever happened, it's all talk. He got hurt and feels that people are bad if they say they will do something and then don't. He has to learn to be more flexible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Is this how he normally deals with conflicts? What if you marry him and you make him angry is this how he is going to behave.
I have a friend who if she upsets her husband he doesn't speak to her for days, all's I can say is it's lucky for him he's not married to me.
I can see why he would be upset, but she has apologised and he should be more graceful especially 5 months later.
Whatever you decide let it be your decision, not because your family aren't happy with him.
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