A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I improve our sex life? My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We have been living together for one year. I have noticed that our sex life is slowing down. I feel like my partner's desire has dropped completely. When we were dating he would always peruse me for sex. He wanted sex all the time, more than I did. I resisted sometimes because I didn't want to get attached to fast before getting to know him. He would tell me he finds me sexy. Things were great. We would have sex 2 to 5 times per week. Sometimes he would complain it wasn't enough, if we had a less frequent week.However things have slowed down over the last 18 months. I have noticed that it is now just me who initiates sex. He has been turning me down a lot more, saying he's too tired, not in the mood etc. Now our frequency has gone to once every 1 to 3 weeks with only me initiating.This has been going on for months now. I have brought up the subject in the past. Sometimes he has responded with anger and defensiveness. He's said that he's just not tired or in the mood. So I've dropped the subject and just made the effort to find a good time to initiate.So, fast forward to now. The last time we had sex was Valentine's weekend. That is nearly 6 weeks ago. On Valentine's weekend I bought him steak, cooked it in sexy lingerie and a very short dress. When I came out in my sexy outfit he just said "what are you doing?" Then that weekend he didn't make any moves towards me. In the end I had to persuade him to be physical.So I decided that I will stop initiating and see how long it will take for him to want sex. He hasn't once in 5 weeks.I ended up caving and bringing up the subject 2 days ago. I asked what was going on from his perspective. I remained calm and just tried to find out why this is happening.He said that he is just so tired from his job and basically sex is very low priority to him. But to me I feel that means that I am a very low priority to him, because for me sex is the way to connect and be intimate with your partner and it is important.I also work a tiring, stressful full time job but I still make time to initiate sex and romance. He finds the energy to go out to the pub Friday and Saturday and get drunk. So I think being tired is just an excuse. I think sex is not a priority to him and I don't understand why. He says he finds me attractive and loves me. But when I look at his behaviour when we started dating compared to now, its so different. He told me at the end of our last chat that he does hear me and he will make an effort. But it makes me feel so sad and low self confidence that I have to ask for him to make an effort. I feel like if he truly cared about his relationship with me that he would make an effort anyway, without me having to ask.My question is really, what can I do or say to him so he understands where I am coming from. And what could be going on for him? I feel that he's just lost attraction for me but is too comfortable with me to actually break up. But to me it just seems silly for us to stay in a relationship that is becoming sexless. We both deser6a hot sex life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): I think something is definitely going on, either emotionally, physically, or both. sex once every 1-2 weeks seems pretty typical for longterm relationships with busy working partners...Howevergoing 6 weeks without it? When it is offered freely? That is NOT normal (unless maybe after a baby or traumatic event). It seems like he gives you NO information when you try to bring it up, either. Your instinct that maybe he is afraid of marriage and commitment could be partially behind it. Have you asked him about that? Have you asked him if he has concerns about your relationship in general? If he still feels attracted to you , or if he feels more in a comfortable friendship? Have you asked him directly if he feels stressed about the possibility of marriage and if he is pushing you away because of this? These are tough questions, but they need to be asked, and he should be willing to communicate. I have to ask:Is there any chance that your boyfriend is cheating and getting sex elsewhere? When he goes on these "pub nights"- how late does he stay out, and how do you know where he has been? Him repeatedly turning down sex for 6 + weeks is just not normal for a straight man in a happy relationship. I would definitely be wondering if he is doing the unthinkable and has someone on the side, or at least is infatuated with someone else.I would NOT confront him about the cheating thing right now though...I would quietly watch his behavior VERY carefully, and maybe do some sleuth work (maybe try to get together with him and his friends, take a look at his phone, check out the pub he supposedly goes to when he is supposed to be there...).In the next few weeks here is what I would do: 1) After about a week, have a chat with him on the state of your relationship, asking the questions I suggested above. 2) Keep yourself going out and busy with your own friends (COVID might limit this, but at least try to talk with them). Gather your network of family and friends. Then if things do end between you two, you will be able to transition better. 3) Watch for signs of cheating over the next few weeks. I wouldn't normally suggest looking at someone's phone or emails, but there is a huge problem which he is refusing to explain, so this leads me to believe he is hiding something. And I would not want to be that girl who just misses all the signs and blindly trusts. I would want to be the girl that trusts her instincts and finds out. 4) In a few weeks when you feel ready, ask him directly if he is cheating. If you have evidence gathered, present it at this point. If not, explain you have a strong feeling and value honesty above all else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwlE for your thoughtful answer.I do have to make clear though, that my boyfriend 100% does not want children. He is the one who least likes children out of the both of us. He has mentioned wanting a vasectomy and he is 38 so he knows by now that he really doesn't want to be a Dad. He openly tells me he can't stand children and finds them annoying, and he never wants to ever have one. Whereas I am a nursery teacher so I like children, but I also know the reality of looking after them. I know that it would take a lot of energy, time and money to bring up a child. I also am an environmentalist and don't want to add to our population when I don't have to. I always had in my mind that IF the love of my life, whoever I end up marrying wants children,.then I would consider having one. Otherwise I'd be content to have a happy marriage, nice house, pet cats and nice holidays, happily child free. Anyway the point is, children is not the issue in our relationship. We do use condoms. I don't take birth control pills. The problem is our lack of intimacy and his annoyance whenever I express my thoughts and feelings about it.Watching porn isn't something I'd freak out about, I'd be supportive of that, as long as it doesn't take away from our own sex life. I have asked if he has been masturbating while we haven't been having sex, he said "no, when would I have time for a sneaky wank?" It's true in the week we're home the same times, we work similar hours.I have consciously stopped myself initiating sex. Over the last year, if I initiated, usually he would go along with it, as long as it's not much more than weekly or fortnightly. But he has rejected me or shown very little enthusiasm. This is to the point now where I feel undesirable. I don't want to keep initiating, every time. It feels one sided. We are in a situation right now where the coronavirus is a consideration of my choices. I fear that if I really probe him for answers that it could lead to a break up. Now, I am not in a position where I can move house. I have just lost my job and income. I don't have family to move in with. I'm not sure if it's safe to move house right now. So I think what I will try to do is mentally focus on myself and my future. I will not put the effort into trying to improve our sex life like I have been doing, because he is not reciprocating. Also, if there is a medical reason, it will give him a break too, to think about it. I am just tired of putting so much mental energy into this relationship. If he doesn't want to make the same effort. I need to focus on my life. After this virus crisis is over, I think I will hopefully know the answer, then can move on either way. We have just got through the end of the 6th weekend with no sexual interest from him. We have had a lovely weekend at home together, he hasn't been able to go to the pub for once. We've hung out, watched films etc. But still no interest. So it can't be just tiredness, because he's not done anything strenuous for 3 days this weekend. It's frustrating being with someone who tells me he loves me several times a day, but doesn't want sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2020): Please forgive me if I've said too much, but let me expound on a few things that might clarify where I was going with my response to your post.
There are a lot of good women out there seeking exactly the same things that you've described in your posts. I knew straight from the beginning that marriage is what you're seeking. I believe after investing three years of your heart, body, mind, and soul that you deserve it.
Your boyfriend is using a pretty common tactic that many men use when they feel pressured towards deeper commitment from their long-term girlfriends. The closer she gets, the more distant he gets. Slowly conditioning you to adapt to the distance and/or give-up in frustration. As if to be weening a baby from breastfeeding. Forcing you to be the one to decide to let-go. He just can't bring himself to do it. Unable to deal with the impending drama, how everyone will fault him because he's the guy; and everything you'll take with you that he really isn't ready to give-up.
You don't want kids; but I want you to understand something. He may pretend to be on the same page about that; but he may be somewhat undecided or ambiguous. You may offer a lot of all the things he wants in a woman; as far as looks, personality, and goals. I can tell you are the "ride-or-die" sort of woman. You'll stand-by your man! You are ambitious!
Sometimes people will be agreeable, and will tell you what you want to hear; but then there comes a point in time that they may change their mind. He may have been on that page 3-years ago; but maybe he has reversed on it since. If he's in the same age-group, it's too young for a man to decide to go childless. If he didn't agree, he wouldn't get to have you.
You're adamant about not having kids; so the last thing he wants to do is make you pregnant with a child you may want to do away with. Birth-control sometimes doesn't work, or you may accidentally miss a dosage. You may not use condoms, or not on a regular-basis. In any case; he feels that intimacy for him is false. He may want children, hoping you'd change your mind about it. Then again, he may prefer not to have them with you. What kind of mother would you be, it you don't want the child you're unexpectedly impregnated with? What if his parents are pressuring him about wanting grandchildren someday?
I have no right to speculate on how much he loves you; but I will venture to guess that breaking-up would be the toughest decision he has ever made, aside from agreeing that he never wants to father children. He may not be as adamant about that as you are. If he was, he would have gotten a vasectomy.
I believe the distance is a prelude to something down the road. You may never know until that day comes. How tired and uninterested in sex can a healthy-man in his 30's-40's be? Assuming he's healthy. He won't even talk about your sex-life; because he's avoiding the drama. How do you talk about it? If one party wants sex, and the other seems never in the mood? Odd when it wasn't always that way! Constantly being rejected reaches a limit!
You have to agree to a sit-down discussion about your future together. Reassess the relationship, and confirm that you both want the same things in life. Insist on being told the truth; then be strong enough to hear whatever he has to say. Going forward, you must have the courage to do what is best for you; if it turns-out that he has changed his mind about everything, but couldn't man-up enough to be honest and talk about it.
If he's always so tired and uninterested in sex; recommend that he see his doctor to make sure there is no underlying medical-reason for it. Also ask him if he's watching porn; and don't freak-out about an honest answer, should it be in the affirmative. I hate to even suggest that you also inquire if he is seeing another woman?
Explain to him that leaving you without answers and sexually-frustrated; leaves you to your own imagination. Avoidance of any discussion forces you to draw your own conclusions. This is the point in your relationship that you need answers. No more cat and mouse. You're coming to us, but you really need to talk to him. He really needs to answer these vital questions; because his behavior is suspicious. Trust can't be maintained when strange-things happen without explanation. He can't leave it all on you, when his behavior really makes no sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers.Neither of us want children. That much has been discussed openly and agreed upon. So that rules out the biological clock a d pregnancy fear theory.I guess my fear is that my boyfriend is having doubts about the relationship continuing long term. But rather than break up with me, he is just avoiding intimacy. I have invested a lot emotionally and almost 3 years into this relationship. I was hoping it was going somewhere. I do want marriage, yes that is what I want. I see marriage as a good thing. It means security, feeling loved and safe. I like the romance of it. I don't want children, but I do want a partner to share my life with, to work towards goals with, like a wonderful home and travelling the world and making memories. Also yes, sex is important to me. Sex, or even just affection, kisses, cuddles etc is important to me. I think it's good for relationships and individuals in that relationship to feel loved and desired. I can understand being too tired from time to time. But now it has been 6 weeks. I did speak to him a few days ago. He said, "I'm just not in the mood at the moment. When I'm in the mood, you'll know about it".I do think maybe his avoiding sex and going out all the time to the pub is his way to push me away and to feel single again. Maybe he is afraid of marriage and thinks it's a bad thing. I just find it annoying that he has perused me and kept me in a relationship with him for 3 years, if he has no desire or intention to be in a real, committed relationship leading to yes, the big, scary M word. Like, why waste both our time? Life's too short. If you want to be single, just be single and sleep around ffs!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): [EDIT]
Typo corrections:
"You're in what I call the "make-it or break-it phase."
"You're a young mature-couple in your 30's."
Maybe it's better to say:
" You a young adult-couple in your 30's."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): It has already been said that it's normal for sexual-passion to plateau and decline at some point in a relationship.
You're in the 3-5 year stage of your relationship. You're in what I call the "make-it or break-it phase. The point within a relationship where you start experiencing bumps and hiccups. Either the relationship evolves and culminates in marriage; or the couple gets edgy and restless. In your restlessness you start to find-fault in each other, feeling suspicious; or missing the "honeymoon stage" that has long-gone.
Once upon a time, sex was a treat and a novelty. He didn't get it so easily, and you lived apart. Now you live together, and sex is easily accessible.
For the past year, you've lived in a "faux-marriage;" which has now turned you into a domesticated complacent-couple. You a young-mature couple in your 30's. Life has become somewhat routine. You've made yourself as available for sex as a wife; and the novelty and challenge of getting it has now warn-off. He probably feels like he's already married, and stuck with the same vagina for eternity. He no longer has his own place, because he shares it with you. He can't escape you, always testing his feelings for you. Wondering if he'll ever marry you, subtly throwing hints, and probably talking about the future more than usual. He feels the walls closing-in, and hears the clock ticking. Terrified you'll get pregnant, and if that will be your means of manipulating him into a stronger commitment.
You claim it's about intimacy; but I think it goes far deeper than that. You're scared. You can't use sex as a gauge to measure his attraction for you; so you feel you've got nothing else to offer him to make him want to stay. You worry about all the time and emotion you've invested; and whether his pulling-away means he's bored with you altogether. The more you pressure him, the less he wants sex. He knows it has nothing to do with intimacy. You don't feel secure he still wants to be together. You want him to start talking about marriage; but the topic must never come-up, unless you bring it up. If you don't, then he's wondering when it will finally come-up?
I don't believe he's lying when he says he's tired or not in the mood. The trouble with moving-in together is that it's too much like marriage; but there's no vows or contractual-commitment.
Boyfriends know they're not husbands; and they start to miss their freedom from time to time. Naturally, they'll miss the variety of sex-partners that comes with that. He loves you, but he may be feeling smothered, and sensing your growing insecurity about the strength of your relationship
As with all relationships; over time, sex becomes familiar and predictable. Skimpy-outfits and prancing around like a sex-kitten sometimes warms things up; but you're still the same couple. Your emotional-connection feels more domesticated. Sounds, smells, and tastes are very familiar.
Relationships mature and settle-down as time goes by. They don't keep the crisp and freshness they had from the blissful beginning. New-cars lose that new-car smell, your favorite dress begs to be replaced, and your partner seems...meh! You're not two horny bunnies anymore. It's quiet. It's called contentment once you've crossed the three-year mark. It will never feel like it did when you first met. That doesn't mean it doesn't get better. It just changes. Passion rises and falls, affected by all kinds of things.
Your surroundings are the same, and living together no longer feels like you're just boyfriend and girlfriend. It feels like marriage. Now he's scared and confused. He feels pressured. Wondering, "why is she pushing herself on me like that? I guess she's expecting an engagement ring!"
He's pulling away because he can't breathe. Passion naturally peaks and declines; but you're in a phase of the relationship that he's uncertain which way to go. He misses when you were just seeing each other at stolen-intervals, and sex was not available on-demand. He's over 30, and everybody is wondering when he'll settle-down? His head must be about to explode! He can't show panic, it would terrify you!
You keep questioning why? How does he put it in words and not upset you? Sweetheart, sex is not all you're worth. A real relationship goes beyond how you physically pleasure each other. Your insecurities can't get you riled-up and so uneasy, you'll become frantic or paranoid. Stay calm!
You're trying to discuss the state and condition of your relationship. Men dread relationship-talks. It means he's doing something wrong! You want to ask him where it's going? That's the question he is dreading more than anything! It's too much pressure, and he's probably afraid you want him to marry you; but he's either undecided or really doesn't want to. That is the downside of living together; because sometimes marriage isn't going to be the final-outcome. That's why guys avoid discussions about the relationship, sex becomes scarce, and everybody's on-edge. It's what you won't come right-out and say, but elude to. You could cut the air with a knife!
It's time to find-out if this is all there is to it! Rather than putting yourself through all kinds of stress and strain. Sex might be the superficial-issue; but whether he sees a future with you is the underlying issue you can't find the courage to address. Maybe you're just tired of being his perpetual/forever-girlfriend. You can't carry the relationship all by yourself, you can't read his mind, and he's scared you're itching for a marriage-proposal and a ring. I think that's what this post is really about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2020): If you have started having sex for three years regularly then it is pretty normal for the numbers to decline and also to hit dry patches sometimes. You should be patient and let it go for a while and let his batteries recharge. Also maybe you guys need to spice things in the bedroom such as trying different sex positions, kinky and coloured condoms, sexy lingerie, showering together, watching porn together, I know there is a lot of revulsion from women regarding this last one but there are some woman friendly ones done in good taste you can try. Anyway you can use your imagination and see what works for you but all this need his participation too. Also why not have your own little parties at home instead of going to pubs? My wife and I did this for years where we would get a few beers and snacks and dress up, light candles, and put on music on the hi fi and dance, drink and have a wonderful time. I suggest you give it a try if things don't improve then maybe it is time to let go. Please go slow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2020): "My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years.
We have _been living_ together for one year.
I feel like my partner's desire has dropped completely.
_When we were dating_ he would always peruse me for sex.
He wanted sex all the time, more than I did."
Your post reads like the classic case of
things before-marriage/living together, vs things after-the-honeymoon-period.
You might want to consider whether after a year of living together your boyfriend has doubts about the relationship, now that he has experienced the 'full-time' version of things.
Consider that when you were dating the fact that you were not living together made it such that there was something 'more' to want, one step further to go for the relationship. The temporary distancing when each of you went back to his own place might have added to the 'thrill' of 'the next time we meet'.
You might also want to consider:
- amidst his doubts... there's this thing called 'pregnancy'
- Try to answer this question to yourself truthfully: previously you resisted his requests for sex, since living together you have been keen on initiating it.. how much of this keenness is genuinely about wanting *him* vs about, based on your age, your full-awareness/subconsciousness of your ticking biological clock?
- This might also be a factor: his sensing, even without having even formulated the thought, that your keenness for sex might not be driven so much by desire for *him*
- Have you considered ways of finding excuses to every so often induce a 'dating' setting, like spending a day or two at a friend's or relative's, to see how things go while you're away and when you are back with him?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 March 2020):
 Hi Op,
"I resisted sometimes because I didn't want to get attached to fast before getting to know him."
Let me explain a little about a man's brain. The statement made above is harmless to you. Plus, you have every right to slow things down. The problem is...If you have done the resisting too often, a man's brain sees it as rejection. He will slow down, he will stop pursuing you, and eventually, completely lose interest and shutdown.
When his brain no longer sees you as someone to pursue, he will most likely look elsewhere to occupy his animal instincts. Some turn to porn, other look elsewhere. Happens to women as well.
To put the spark back in the relationship, you have to go back and give him something to chase. You have to play hard to get without saying no. Appeal to his need to have you.
Example...Sit next him on the couch and masturbate... Don't say a word. Let him show interest. When he does, you tell him if he wants sex, he has to take it from in a wrestling match on the bed. If he pins you down, fight back...Not for him to lose interest, but enough for him to want to win this conquest...How does it work??
Before...when you were dating...you resisted, and he did his best to get past your resistance, so he can have sex. You may have resisted in a way that made him feel like he was a pain in your butt for wanting sex so much. Now you are resisting with the hopes that he really gets past your resistance. This does not have to be done in the bedroom only. It can be done anywhere. Put his hand between your legs, and when he shows interest, you turn around and present your butt. The more he grabs at you, the more you play, but always make it clear in your actions...The more he pursues, the more he will get. You will effectively turn resistance in foreplay.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2020):
 I think you need to just sit him down and be honest.
If he gets angry or defensive, I'd reinforce that you MISS the intimacy and that is why you are bringing it up.
We can not guess WHAT is going on with him. You will HAVE to talk to him, grown up to grown up.
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