A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a two year relationship and although my boyfriend cheated on me, one night stand, at the very start of our relationship, we managed to work through it and we are still together now. We had been together for 4 months, and he confessed that during the first few weeks of being with me, he had slept with a woman he met on a night out. He said he felt like he owed it to me to tell me, and he understood if I wanted to end things, but he was hopeful I wouldn't. I spent a while thinking it over and decided to end things. But we ended up seeing each other through friends and social stuff, and I decided to try again. He really seemed to be into me, and grateful for another chance and we had a brilliant relationship until last November. He started being a bit secretive with phone, and he didn't seem as interested in doing things together. We had moved in together last August so I was thinking maybe he was bored of being with me so much until he put a lock on his phone. I openly admit I tried a few codes, guessing it right after a few tries so it's not like he tried very hard to make it something I wouldn't guess. There was nothing on his phone that looked bad and my friend said he might of already deleted it or he just didn't want people going on it. My niece is only 8 but she sees a phone and she just picks it up and starts playing on it. And she had done that with his phone, so I thought maybe that might be why he put the lock on. But I feel like I can't ask him why because then he knows one I've looked and two I worked out the code anyway. I really want to know what's happening but I'm scared of the answer. I don't want him to be cheating on me but I also don't want him to have just got bored of me so he's started spending more time with his friends. Maybe it's just the past cheating that I never really got over, but I can feel something isn't right. We still have regular sex and he still tells me daily he loves me, and I tell him I love him daily too. We have a holiday planned for the summer, and we have looked at buying a house together in the future. But I can feel something isn't right, and I'm too scared to ask him what it is. I really need some advice on how to approach this gently without making things worse.
View related questions:
cheated on me, moved in, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 February 2018):
 You say you worked through it but are you sure that you trust him? Because going through his phone tells me that you don't!
He confessed which was great, and you forgave him and took him back so that is in the past now. I wouldn't blame you for having some trust issues, but it has been almost two years now and you need to decide if this is the future that you want, can you actually trust him completely?
So last November he changed, can you remember what about him changed? Being secretive with his phone could mean anything, he could have been ordering Christmas presents for you or wanting to keep something private. Also yes he could have been talking to other girls. That is something you need to work out. If he lost interest in doing things together, did you talk to him and ask him why?
The relationship can change when you both move in together, but this is where you both need to talk to each other and communicate about what is happening or these issues will never get resolved. Communication is very important in a relationship, don't take it for granted. Him having a code on his phone shouldn't mean anything, I have one on mine, and most phone companies recommend it. You going through his phone is not okay and you are breaking his trust doing that. It is his personal information and just because you are his girlfriend doesn't mean you have the right to go through his privacy.
If you are scared of the answer then that tells me you already know that something is wrong, so you need to talk to him, tell him how you feel and tell him how this is effecting you. You need to be honest with him and not bury your head in the sand. You cannot make things worse by being open and honest. This is what relationships are all about, you need to start being honest with each other.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 February 2018):
 1. don't buy a house with someone who isn't your spouse. It's just not smart.
2. DEFINITELY don't buy a house with someone who gives you "there is something off vibes".
3. The reason you feel something is off is because something is off. I don't think any of us get that "vibe or feeling" just because. There usually is a reason. Not always the reason we "think" but something is usually up.
4. putting a lock on his phone is smart. TBH. Not so YOU can't access it but in case it gets stolen or lost.
Living together DOES change a relationship. And not always for the better.
Maybe have a chat about how he feels things are going living together. I'd be honest and tell him you feel like he has withdrawn a bit. TALK things out. I'd leave the whole phone business out of it (for now) Just TALK and see what's up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2018): Ask yourself if maybe you are being paranoid because of his prior cheating?
It's possible that you are anxious it will happen again. Even if it never does. When we are overly anxious, our fears are magnified and we imagine things that are not there. What appears to be something may be something we have created in our own head. And it spirals out of control.
Either way, it's time for a talk with your boyfriend. See if he can help you feel more at ease and work with you to get you through it. Also, you could consider therapy as a couple considering the unresolved trust issues. If they are swept under the rug, they will get worse and cause the eventual breakdown of your relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): If you draw-up a business-contract absolving you of any risk or fraud or under limited-liability with a business-partner; that's totally different!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): Don't ever buy a house or go into debt with anyone who is not your spouse! Do no co-sign for loans or debt; or you will be sorry! The law protects you as a spouse. Just a girlfriend? The law says, "your bad!" Such risk falls under stupid.
If the relationship breaks-up, your credit could be ruined. You just might be tempted to ruin his out of spite; but you'd ruin yours along with it! Intertwining debt and finances with people you're not married to leaves you very vulnerable and offers little legal recourse to protect yourself. Just some fatherly advice.
Sidestepping marriage to have kids and co-sign debt to live like married-people sounds good in theory; but it's laughable in court. It's not up for debate. Only dumb people do it. Ask a lawyer. My partner of 28 years was lawyer. God rest his soul in peace.
On top of that, you don't even trust him. You need evidence to go on. All you have is a lock on his phone. You say he's acting secretive. Next time he's secretive, ask him why he's being so secretive with his phone? Tell him how that makes you feel. Then try to digest and process his answer. Most people put a lock on their phone; because of the possibility they could lose it.
I don't think I have to eavesdrop on my boyfriend's every phone call to trust him. Some things in his life are personal and none of my business. Like family-stuff or his business calls. He will lower his voice or excuse himself. I do the same. I don't blurt personal-stuff my family shares in-confidence in-front of just anybody. I can't openly discuss confidential-information about my clients on business-calls.
If the secretive phone calls continue, move out. If you've got to feel paranoid and snoop on a guy; he's the wrong guy.
You never really forgave him. So you're the wrong girl. You have trust-issues; but took someone back under false-pretenses. You made him think you were over the cheating.
I don't know about you, but peace of mind trumps sticking with somebody I don't trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): You don't know, maybe he put a lock on his phone to google search engagement rings for you or something?If you looked at his texts and facebook and there was nothing, then it sounds like another explanation is at least possible...I think you could ask him why he put a lock on his phone? OR you could wait and see how things develop and just go by your gut. Your gut says something is off so keep your eyes and ears open. Does he go out at night without you? If so, maybe do a little detective work, drive by the bar he is supposedly at, etc. If he doesn't go without you then it seems unlikely he is finding time to cheat.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 February 2018):
 Okay so what are your options?
Just go on blindly and hope for the best or listen to your gut instinct and confront the issue? I know which one I'd do.
Of course it's understandable to have trust issues, who wouldn't after being cheated on? But you need to do something about this niggling doubt, id say you're going to have to be honest with him and iron out the creases or you're going to have this looming over you forever. Just because you have all these plans and discussions going on doesn't necessarily mean this man is the one you're supposed to be with in life.
I'd always advise anyone who feels uneasy about something to listen to their intuition and investigate further. Talk to your bf and give him chance to put your mind at ease. If he can't do that, then you're not meant to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (4 February 2018):
 Why don't you start by talking to him about why is seems less interested in doing things? Don't mention the phone, don't make him think you don't trust him. Just talk to him about how you are worried he is bored of you. And go from there?
I've been cheated on and I was right in my suspicions.
However in my newest relationship my boyfriend/now fiance was being very secretive about his phone and what he was doing at lunch times and being home late a few evenings. It very much was not cheating and I didn't expect as such. So please don't jump to the worst conclusion.
Good luck!
...............................
|
