A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up 18months ago after over 2 years together. It was a difficult break-up in the sense that for a long time he refused to either commit to the relationship or say he didn't want it, and I kept hanging in hoping I would eventually get the answer I wanted. We eventually got to a 'critical point' (his words) and decided to break up - which took place over the phone, but even then it was protracted with some emails sent (they were not recriminatory at all, I tried to be supportive) and he eventually ended it by text message. I have not heard since.Prior to that, apart from one long-term stable relationship, I have dated a few players unwittingly, only to realise their intentions were not sincere.I joined a dating website as I have moved on from my ex. I have been on for a while and met a lot of nice people - most only for one date. A few weeks ago I had an email from a man who worked at the same place as I do, saying he had seen me around. Short emails flowed, we met up after a week, things were going very well with a number of dates in that time. Neither of us were rushing into anything, but he seemed to be very keen and I liked him a lot.He told me he and his ex had broken up 8 months before after a 4-year relationship as he realised they did not want the same things (I believe he instigated it), but he had been unsure for the couple of months after that. He said he was now sure he'd done the right thing. However, two weeks after we first met, we were meant to meet for coffee and instead I got an text saying he was confused and wanted to talk. He has had an email from his ex, she is abroad for 3 months (he had wanted to see her before she went, not to get back together but just to talk about things, which didn't happen), is now dating someone else, and he had been thinking about her over the weekend. He said he didn't feel it was fair to me while he was thinking about someone else and that it was 'bad timing'. I said he needed to go and 'sort his head out' but did not make any agreement to wait around for him, if anything I was slightly final about things as in my experience, men do not change their minds. He never said he didn't want to date me but he was confused and that he had thought he was ready, that he had felt 'entirely different two weeks ago'. I did say, however, that it was normal to think about your ex when you have just heard from her, that I still think about mine at times, and also that I had never heard from my ex since we broke up and sometimes you have to move on on your own. I also asked him if he thought he may be freaking-out, to which he said probably.It is hard as he is the first person in a long time I have liked, although I appreciate I don't really know him. Since he instigated the break-up I am unsure why he is so confused over his decision. It seems a little spoilt grapes to be bothered she is seeing someone else. He describes himself as 'indecisive' - a trait that caused me a lot of pain with my ex. I have gone back on the internet dating site as there were other men who were asking for a date, but I feel unsure. Reality tells me to forget and move on, but hope (that old chestnut) thinks he may just be freaking out and may feel differently in some time. I am likely to occasionally bump into him at work in the next two months before we both move, but I do not want to yet again be hanging out for a half-hearted relationship on their part. I want, if he does change his mind, for it to come from him. Experience tells me I should do nothing and just leave him be, but reality also tells me the chances of him coming back are slim, especially after only spending two weeks with him. What should I do?
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female
reader, Cutestuff  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I am currently in the same situation, it is very difficult for me to not be the one and only for someone I like, but I also know that what i don't want to be is a poor mans (mary) just a name lol....
the one thing i have realized during my own experience is that it takes a real man to end a relationship with someone he is fond of , so as not to hurt her even more in the future when they know in their hearts that it will go nowhere as long as their is this thing with their exes...
in my case I have to see him at work, and we are currently trying to establish a friendship, there is still a very strong attraction between us and he continues to smile warmly and be around me alot, (that is very hard for me) , I am trying to respect the fact that he is not over his ex , but their are times I would like to knock him over the head and say "stop confussing me", I am not the one confused about my feelings he is...
so the only advice I can offer is move on have fun with your life, because regardless of what is going on in your life at this moment you still have one to live , and every moment you think about HIS confussing, is every moment you are wasting on your own :)
if it is meant to be he will make it happen , just hopefully he doesn't wait to long because you will be living a life without him while he figures out his mind :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I think you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. I sugg. you purchase some relationship books from Amazon.com such as "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov, "10 Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives," and "10 Things couples to To Mess Up Their Relationship," "He's Just Not That Into You" is also a good one.
The one thing I know about true love is this: when a person loves you that will show you, they will not leave you, they will not be in denial, they will not flip flop using your life as a revolving door esp. if you have proven yourself to be a great woman/man, they love that burns within them will force them to commit to you, to want to be with you; they will not still have feelings for someone else, think about someone else, desire to be with someone else....because, it's true love, they will not get involved with you because, they are on the rebound, they don't want to be alone, they are scared they won't find anybody else and etc....they will commit to you because, they love you with a passion and if there were thousands of other women to choice from, they would chose you each time because, of the love they have for you...and this is pretty much the same for both men and women.
It's not that this guy is "confused"....he doubts that he wants to start a relationship with you simply because, he still cares or has feelings for his ex gf....it's that simple. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with him still having feelings for his ex---that is natural, but what he doesn't have the right to do is get involved with someone use knowing that there is a possibility that he was not fully over his ex gf. I don't even think you should have been looking to date someone else after the first break up b/c it was too soon. You have to give yourself time to heal, relfect on the situation, find out where you went wrong as to make certain you don't make the same bad choice again in the next relationship. That is how you date in a healthy manner. You don't go from one relationship to the next, or from women to woman or from guy to guy in such a short period of time and define. not when there are still feelings present for the ex. When dealing with relationships and the feelings of other, one must be very careful. You can't be confused or undecided because, you give a person false hope, you keep a person hanging on thinking there can be something when there cannot be.
Don't wait around for this guy....he has told you enough....he isn't over his ex therefore, he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. Let it be and move on.
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