A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 14 years in a common law relationship. He is honest and trustworthy, and we have a lot of fun together when the times are good. Over the years, I've always worked full time and consider myself to be quite successful. He has worked approx. 5 years at most in all the years we've been together. He stays at home and works on his computer, whether it's on his website or making videos. He does very little cleaning and expects me to do half of the household chores. I believe in fairness, so I believe in a 50/50 relationship.I want a future with him, but he can't tell me what his plans are. He doesn't seem to make any effort in finding employment and it's frustrating to me. He thinks I get upset over how much money he makes, but he doesn't understand that it's not about the money. To me it's about how fair you are to the other person in the relationship, it's about being a person who contributes to society and this relationship. It's about being hard working and not lazy. Am I being out of line here? I tried to be as objective as possible. What should I do? Should I leave? I'm so confused and scared. I still love him dearly. Thank you in advance for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I am in a similar situation as you. Married 6 years, he worked one of them. I think part of our problem is that I make about 10 times what he made when he was working. If he took care of the house it would help, but he doesn't. We've talked several times about it and he says he will start looking, but he still hasn't. It makes me feel like a sugar momma. If the sex was good, maybe, but the sex is bad. I love him. He loves me, but not enough to get a job. I should kick him out, but it's like kicking a puppy
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hi
Please take from my comment what you can, I don't mind if you disagree but I hope to give you my perspective on your situation.
After 14 years if I felt the way you do my heart would be telling me to leave before another 14 years pass and I'm still in the same position. But it is hard to give up on any relationship-especially when you've been together so long.
I personally agree with your views on a balance in a relationship. I think it is un fair on you that he doesn't contribute more around the house if he isn't working full time. When I worked less hours than my boyfriend I stepped up the amount of chores I did so that we were still contributing as equally as possible.
Maybe it would be for the best to leave, but if you truly love this man then it is time to sit down together and tell him that your relationship is on the line. Open up to him exactly as you have on here as then you can make a better judged decision on whether to stay or go. If the pair of you can talk and he can prove to you he can offer more then keep trying, always communicating. But if you feel let down my him then at least you will know that you made every step to get the relationship on track and you can leave knowing that you tried.
Hope I was of some help X
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A
female
reader, whatthehell  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Dear, I am on your side with this and I think that it is just normal for you to feel this way especially because it seems as if your boyfriend makes you feel anxious and doesn't help you as much as you want him.
First of all, I know that you are thinking of leaving him. You have a lot of things to consider. One is if you can live without him. You say you love him, so I guess you are willing to make things work. However, relationships are characterized by giving and receiving. If you feel like you are the only one doing all the work and your needs are not met, this is a big issue. If he is not willing to do this for you,if he is not willing to help you, is it just okay for you?
I suggest you talk to him. And tell him in a calm voice. I hope you could control yourself and not be angry at him. Then, tell him what you just said here. Tell him, it's not about the money. Assure him that you love him. As much as possible, during the conversation, don't say the word 'BUT' use 'AND' or others. Call him the dear or honey. whatever it is you call him so that the tension will be lessened. Then, tell him your concerns. Ask him if he is willing to do that for you.
If he says yes, give him one month. Don't say anything more of the 'employment' issue unless you want him to feel worse about himself and about you. One talk is enough. He already knows the problem. If still there's nothing after a month, leave. He will not change.
If he says no, then leave. I'm sorry, but sometimes, you ought to think of it. He isn't willing to do that for you. Does he really love you? And you yourself told us that you don't see a future together like that. So, I think, you yourself already know what you have to do.
Go girl! :)
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (10 November 2010):
Dont kid yourself, it IS about the money. You just admitted so yourself by saying you believe in a 50/50 relationship.
IMO, you let this go on to long and in doing so reinforced his behavior. You need to have a very frank conversation with him about what you expect, and you need to 100% follow through on every "or else."
Personally, I just dont get men who rely on other women to support them. Call me old fashioned, but I think its primarily the mans job to provide, and I dont have much respect for men who dont.
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