A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:First, I am 69. I have been re-married for 6 years to a man who has had anger, jealousy issues and 2 turbulent marriages. My marriage has been fraught with trust issues, and a great deal of them on my part as well. I was told that he still communicates with his ex-wife, supposedly about their middle aged children, and another by a letter written to me by his other wife telling me how he was in pursuit of her while pursuing me for marriage. Now, 6 years later, I am in the aftermath of being accused of an emotional affair because I was emailing and talking on the phone(only, never in person) a past relationship who is sickly and in his seventies. We never discussed personal data or any relationship only intellectual topics. BUT, I did not share this with my husband. I knew my huaband still talked to his ex wife and it bothered me but what could I do. I guess I justified my own phone calls. Then my husband found out about the phone calls and accused me of adultry and made plans to leave me and move out of state. His ex wife was the first person he called to tell her what he was going to do. He came back thoug, but stayed in a state of rage and hostility with all kinds of accusations and called me an adultress. After months, we are still together, but I have given up all my friends, all my activities (which was not much in the first place as I am a very non active senior) and just devote myself to him, uplifting him, being totally available to him at all times, even staying in the same room to make him feel more loved and secure. I am totally financially dependent on him as nothing is in my name as the money I had when I sold my house I put into the one he bought just before we married. But I guess this helps him to feel like I will never leave him and in a way make our marriage better. Will I ever quit feeling guilty?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 You will stop feeling guilty when you feel you deserve to be. You know what you did was wrong even though it didn't involve sex. However your husband constantly keeping in touch with his exes and always keeping them in the know. It's just as wrong but in his mind it's not. Once you put things into perspective you'll feel much better. Just quit beating yourself up.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 It may help you to know that despite his accusations he doesn't actually believe you had an affair and he needs you as much as you think you need him.Think about it for a moment. You know he is not a generous, patient, forgiving man and he has treated you even worse than he did before the so called affair (I'll come back to this). It's because he wants something and he appears to be getting it so his plan has worked. He knows he isn't a good enough husband to inspire a woman to stay of her own accord. The only way he can avoid being abandoned is to trick a woman into believing she needs him and she owes him. This tactic is as old as time itself. I suspect part of your guilt isn't actually guilt but an awareness on some level of his inherent weakness. He is a weak man.I strongly suggest you speak to a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights and obligations are. You are in a better legal position than you realise. Some of these lawyers offer a free half hour consultation. Find one and make the most of it by having a list of questions ready.Rebuild your support network. Your husband doesn't want you to have friends because he doesn't want your friends to tell you how bad he really is or have anywhere to go if you leave him. Do you have an email acount? If so change the password to something he doesn't know. Don't forget to change the security questions. You don't want him to figure it out using that. Use Mircosoft Word to draw up a list of questions. Password protect it and email it to yourself. Reach out to your friends and family. Tell them what has been going on and that you need help. They miss you and people do want to help. No one will be surprised by what you tell them. They've known something was amiss for some time but were powerless to do anything about it. I almost forgot about the so called affair. You didn't have one (even if you had it would have understandable). You were desperately lonely and receptive to the companionship you were denied at home. You are not a cheater. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your husband wants you to feel guilty so he can manipuate you.You can leave him. You can rebuild your life. You CAN do it. You have more power than you realise, legal and psychological. If you need anything more, you know where to find us.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 September 2012):
 There is no reason to feel guilty. You are not responsible for his anger outburst and you shouldn't feel so. Your relationships are so unstable that the title of ex wife and wife can change at the drop of a hat. With this instability it is hard to open up to him. You can walk on egg shells and be there for him but this is no healthy way to live. You are the one who's devoted to him with all you have, and I wonder how much he is devoting to you, and how satisfied you are with him. I can see it's all one sided as well. His other wife is telling you that he is pursuing her at the same time, you might not believe her, or you might put a blind eye on it. But this does hurt you somehow, and you are afraid to confront him about it. I think you need to talk to a financial advisor about what to do in case your husband does want to leave and take the house.
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