A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I was with my partner for 4 years, we lived together for over 2, we broke up 5 months ago. I am rationally wondering whether the relationship should not have ended. I am hurt, which affects my job. Asking advice on whether to contact my ex and ask how he feels about the break up, or just concentrate on moving on (and advice on how to move on!). For the first 3 months after the break up I took plenty of time taking care of and improving myself in many aspects. (Me and my ex had no contact). I had no work or classes which gave me plenty of time for my sad moments and self care. I thought I was over the break, sad moments had become rare and I was social and happy. I then moved to a new country for work. Now I am busy with work and classes, and I started looking around to potentially start dating again. Also, I had to get in touch with my ex to get my stuff back (he is in the country I just moved in), we kept it brief but still feelings arose for me. I know everyone after a break feels no one could replace their ex. I had the same feelings and kept telling myself they were irrational. Though, I talked to my family back home about my 'ideal' partner and their reaction was something like 'you just don't find guys who like these activities at your age'. Also, I have never truly found friends who totally match me. I put on a mask to still hang out with people, and it is happier than being on my own, but much less happy than being able to be myself and yet have company. I can honestly say that since I was 15, so 10 years, the only person I could ever be myself with has been my partner (not even my family gets me really).A bit about me. I come off as very awkward (sometimes even if I 'put on a mask'). I have Asperger, I never understands 'hints' or hidden feelings and come off as rude. I spend lots of time cuddling, hugging, feeding animals, I feel like I communicate with them. At home I play with stuffed animals and make cute craft. I am at the top of my career field, I like moving to new cities and ideally countries every few years, but I still want children. My ex matched on every single one of these aspects, and I am worried it might be nearly impossible to find someone else who does. I have had the happiest moments in my life with my ex, by a lot. A bit about the break up. We got along well while living together. Then we were long distance for a few months (like different continents). We had lots of problems, we tried figuring out what was going wrong, we couldn't given the high emotional intensity of the period. He broke up with me a couple of times just to come back the next day, I was very upset about it, so I try taking a long pause from the relationship, to which he disagreed, so we went on talking for a while, me getting really upset about something (usually him hinting to break up again), refusing to talk to him for another week or 2. He alternated between saying 'I realize how much I want to commit to this', and not calling for days cause couldn't be bothered. In the end, he wanted to visit me, though I would have had to take time off work for that, I was too hurt to think of giving up anything more for a relationship to which, in my mind, he wasn't committing. He said he would stay in the relationship if I chose to truly commit, I said in this state, I can try to see what happens, no more, so he chose to finally break up.I spent lots of time analyzing what went right and wrong in the relationship as a whole, and at the time with the sole purpose of improving my future relationships. We both have hurtful scars in our past due to bad family situations, and for both of us this was the first romantic relationship. I realize I had co-dependence problems, while he had commitment issues. For both of us, these problems actually showed in all our relationship (eg with family and a few friends that maybe were not our friends any more for this). I worked and hopefully got over my issue, I think he would have too. Right now what I wish I knew is what does my ex honestly think about our relationship and the break up. Maybe he has found someone else with those characteristics that make him happy, or maybe he has realized those things we shared are not actually that important, instead maybe he has found out other things that make him happier. If I knew this, it would be so much easier for me to let go, as I would know the relationship was just not potentially ideal. While at the moment I feel it could have been potentially ideal if just we could figure out the problems in time, and that now that we have figure them out, it could be ideal. I would go ahead and just ask him what does he honestly think, but unfortunately he is the kind of person who does not think over anything that might possibly make him sad. He is the person who dropped out of sports he liked after getting frustrated at bad results. To get into my dream university, I called up till the deadline decision after I was wait listed, telling them I really wanted to attend even knowing I wasn't their first choice, offering to delay the decision to other unis etc... He, on the other hand, did not even apply to the second round (I don't know the system exactly but... ) after he was refused on the first round, saying 'what's the point, they don't want me anyway, it's useless'. Given these, and other, past instances, I believe I would not get an honest answer on whether he is happier out of the relationship. Any advice? I feel like I should really find a way to get to him, just to find out how he feels. I think it would help either way, cause I think I would be relieved and ready to move on if he had found happiness elsewhere. What do you think? And if you agree, how should I approach him to have an honest answer rather than making him close down?.
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a break, broke up, long distance, move on, moved in, my ex, period, university, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (16 September 2016):
 I don't think it would be a good idea. It's easy to say in your head that it would help you move on but at the same time it could break your heart all over again knowing that he's with someone else.
And you say you'd be unlikely to get an honest answer so he would probably just tell you he's doing great for the sake of it because he might think you've moved on and you're trying to rub it in, so is there an actual point asking if you're not getting a correct answer?
If I were you I wouldn't bother, I don't see there being any positive that you can gain from this tbh.
Just carry on as you are with the healing and moving on process.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 September 2016):
 Was it coincidence that you ended up in the same country as him to work? Or did you go there knowing he was there? You both had a long relationship, so off course you are always going to wonder what could have been, but it does sound like you both had deep issues. The clean break was the best thing for you, and if you plan to meet up with him now, that may very well undo all your hard work off improving yourself and getting over him. I know at the moment you feel like you are not over him but you need to get through them lonely days. You are in a country where you probably don't know anyone so yes it is difficult and off course you are going to want company and who better than with someone you loved, but as you said yourself he will not tell you how he feels and you will be left even more confused and lonely. I honestly think it is for the best if you try and keep on moving on with your life. Go and start dating again, have fun, make friends, look to the future not the past.
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