A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for the long post, I don't know how else to give a better idea of what I'm dealing with than to tell the whole story, lol.I have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy for about 8 months now. We'd been "seeing" each other, and had started a sexual relationship for about 2 months when he thought that a girl he'd been crushing on for awhile was finally coming around. He explained the situation to me, decided that he and I were moving too fast anyway, and that we should just be friends. I agreed with this, and we moved on.Then the thing with this girl didn't work out quite like he thought it was, and he came back to me about 2 weeks after we decided to just be friends. We saw each other quite frequently for about 2 more months, and each time we got more intimate and in the process of that, grew a lot closer to each other. And although we had both agreed that we were "just friends", I kept getting the feeling that he wanted more than that. He would be SUPER sweet, getting mushy with me and doing the whole lovey-dovey thing -- it didn't seem to be just about sex anymore. So naturally, I brought it to his attention and asked what we were. He told me we were just friends, like we had agreed on the last time we "took a break", for lack of better wording. He sensed that I was getting emotionally attached -- he wasn't comfortable with this and decided we should stop having sex, which basically equivocated into us not seeing each other anymore, because that's what happened.I admit to being a bit attached, but I didn't think it was that big of a thing; it didn't take me long to get over him and start looking into other guys. But then, 2 weeks later he decided that he missed hanging out and doing the the things we did, and I admit I missed him too. I had gotten comfortable with him and didn't really want to be with anyone else, although I didn't tell him that. But, we ended up seeing each other again -- and here we are now.3 months later -- and he's doing the same thing he did when we "got back together" the first time. Being really sweet, calling me pet names, even making a point to kiss me (He'd never been that much of a kisser before, or so he told me). And whenever we hang out, he's always the one that extends the invitation. I do sometimes, but it's usually him.It's really confusing to me; for someone that claims to NOT want to be in an official relationship and claims to not have an emotional attachment, he sure doesn't act like it. Sometimes he he does, but here lately he's been acting like he wants more than what we have. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to address it to him -- I really don't care what our status is; I enjoy him and I enjoy his company, the title doesn't make a difference to me. But as far as he's concerned, I don't know what he wants or what he's fine with. He keeps sending me mixed messages, and whether he's just going to be my friend or my boyfriend, I want him to pick one and be that.It frustrates me because I don't want him to stop seeing me just because he seems to be afraid of his emotions. I want this to work because despite all of this confusion, it's been the best relationship I've ever been in. For once I've found a guy who I can depend on -- he's yet to let me down and I know I can trust him. So what do I do? How do I go about this w/o completely ruining our relationship? Help is greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (14 June 2010):
 He's acting sweet and lovey-dovey because he wants to keep you attached so you'll stick around as a backup, and interrogates you because he wants you to himself while he's free to do as he pleases. As the first poster said, stop having sex with him and see how his behavior changes. It doesn't matter if he's the one initiating anything, you have a choice in whether or not you allow it to progress.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I said he *seemed* to be afraid because I know there are other motives (like what you mentioned, I know that is a total possibility). However, if there is no emotion involved -- why does he get that way with me? If this isn't an emotional relationship then he shouldn't do those things. I don't do it to him. When he made the claim of us just being friends -- I treated and still do treat him as such. A friend. I never initiate these moments; it's always him.
And also, he's told me I'm free to see other guys as long as I'm honest with him about it (same goes with him), but when I mention the slightest little thing about me hanging with another guy, I automatically get interrogated. It doesn't matter -- I can tell him it's a completely platonic thing and I'll still get questioned. When he wanted to see that other girl, I didn't question him -- I just let him do it. I knew right then that we probably weren't ever going to be "official" and I didn't really press the issue.
Trust me, I've thought about this 1238921321 times. I know it all could be a bunch of BS and that he's just milking every second of it because as far as he knows, he has me wrapped around his finger. But the thing is, he acts like he's my boyfriend. The lovey dovey crap and being more affectionate than usual, being extra sweet and thoughtful (more than just a normal friend would be), giving me the third degree (that I don't give him) when it comes to other guys. The sex has even improved by a long-shot. So, if the man just wants sex or just wants to be friends, why in the hell is he acting like this?
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A
female
reader, mint  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 It's obvious that you really like this guy, but you just need to have a proper conversation and ask him where exactly do you two stand.
Just admit to how you feel and i advise that if he just wants to carry on this 'unknown' relationship just cut him off like a band aid it hurts at first but then it heals. x
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (13 June 2010):
He wants to have sex and friendship with you but also be free to see other women.
He doesn't want to be pinned down into exclusive relationship with you.
If you can accept that [ and you shd be equally free to go with other men] then maybe you can both get good things from an open relationship.
Just both be clear about what it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): How can you say that this is because he is afraid of his emotions? He'll leave as soon as he finds someone better, he's already proved that to you, and even if that doesn't work he's got you as a back-up because he knows you'll take him back no matter what he does. Here's a thought, stop having sex with him and see how long he stays in this "relationship". You're setting yourself up for a big, big fall...
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