A
female
age
36-40,
*oveimpossible
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, lived together for a year. We are both social extroverts with a passion for new adventures and life. Where were very different is cleaning and tidyness, with me spending much more time doing household chores. I dont think im particularly ocd about cleaning, but feel relaxed when the house is clean and tidy. My bf on the hand is oblivious to most things that need to be done so it takes me to point tasks out most of the time. Problem is, I now resent him for it and my patience is wearing very thin. I feel like ive taken on a mother status. He's promised to help out more, but its still a case of 'no rush attitude' and when I ask when its going to be done his response is 'chill' and I'll do it later. Our attitudes to cleaning is so different and its not compatible. Its causing too many arguments, and i dont know what the soluntion is.I need advice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 I had a problem in our home where i was the only one doing the cleaning because he wanted it cleaned but he wanted it done when he was ready which was usually later in the evening when I was tired and done with work and wanted to veg.
I solved the problem by getting a maid every other week. Now I do the stuff that drives ME batty on the off weeks the maid is not there... the rest we let the maids handle.
Personally I'm not as OCD as my husband so I let a lot slide....
Now I have to replace my car unexpectedly so I OFFERED to give up the maid as long as cleaning commenced promptly at 10 a.m. on Saturday in the manner I wanted. He said "no we can afford the maid"
So what you can say to him is this:
"darling, I love our home and I like it neat and clean. We have several options here. Option one is that you help me by doing [insert the chores you want him to do] on a regular basis that we agree on (go over time frames here) If you don't wish to do these things, perhaps we can hire a maid to handle them.
DO the research and find out how much it costs and let him know, you may find he's willing to pay to avoid cleaning.
and then the problem is solved.
If he is not willing to pay then you can ask him "well I'm not happy with how things are and they have to change in order for me to be happy. This is what I need to be happy... are you willing to make the effort to make me happy?"
of course he will say yes.
then say "I do not want to be mom, or the police. I need you to be a man of your word and stick to the bargain."
without consequences to their behavior, people will do the least they can and get away with it. Don't let him get away with it.
Going on strike won't help as he does not care about the environment... but perhaps he cares enough to not lose you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): Men don't like to be bossed around. You'll catch more bees with honey. I know you're frustrated, and I also believe every word about his lack of participation in doing household chores. You're a little anal, and he's the messy jock.
Allow me to make a suggestion. This requires a little psychology.
Try "asking" instead of "ordering" him to help around the house. He is an adult; and if you treat him like a child, you will get the response of a child. Treat him like an adult, and you will get the preferred response.
"Hon, when you're done with whatever you're doing now, please pick up those clothes off the bedroom floor and take them to the hamper." I'd appreciate it." No more words about it.
"Do you need anything while I'm out later?" I'll get some of those sports drinks you like."
It becomes a "request," rather than a motherly command. You're also offering something in exchange, and a reward.
Once the chore is done, give a sweet nuzzle on the neck and a kiss. Positive reinforcement!
"Honey, I put a list of things that I could use some help with on the kitchen table. I thought we could get them done real quick and we might take a bike-ride later." "Would you like that?"
Then when everyone is at the table for dinner. "Thanks for helping out today. I felt like I was running myself ragged." "There's so much to do, and things are looking nice, thanks to you, sweetie."
Positive reinforcement.
Also informing him that you require his help (minus the nagging or tone of irritation). Also laying a little guilt on him: "running myself ragged."
Don't pick up after him. Let him pickup after himself. Don't walk about the house shouting orders and demands all over the place, like the house-matron.
Leave whatever he drops, right where it is. Walk over it if you have to. If he doesn't get the point. " I noticed your sneakers in the hallway. I don't want anyone to trip over them. Would you be a sweetie?" Thanks baby! I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything. Positive reinforcement, offer of something in exchange.
When you bark orders, he doesn't hear what you're asking him to do. He hears your "nagging" voice. The words are incoherent. So he stays put. When he hears your sweet voice, he thinks of sex. He then opens his ears to you instinctively.
"I think I saw your dirty tee shirt lying next to the bathtub. Please toss it in the hamper with the towels. I want to be sure it goes in with the regular laundry.
Thanks babe!"
Don't ask again. He knows it needs to be done. He doesn't have to jump, because you said so.
Always ask "once" with a *please" and end with a *thank you.* His male ego will deflate and he doesn't have to play a game of "who's the boss."
You're not his mother, and he'd be a lot more cooperative; if you spoke to him as an adult, and leave the harsh tone and attitude out of it.
Follow up with hugs and kisses. Then things become automatic, and you get full cooperation on a voluntary basis. "Thank you" is easy to say. That will become your involuntary response to all positive behavior.
When you notice him picking up without being "told."
"Thanks, sweetie, I've got a ton of other things to do. Can you give me a hand with something in about an hour?"
Share the chores. Don't spoil him by doing it by yourself, while he's stretched out on the couch. If he's napping, save it; until he wakes up.
"If there's something you need to do, let me know when you're done. Then I'll let you know what I need later."
You haven't ordered him to do anything. You've respected his time and space, and took away his excuse for procrastinating. You asked for help. All at once.
Get it?
He has to be reprogrammed. He's used to you and his mom picking up after him. It's a habit that lingered. You can ask him to do anything, if you use the correct tone and have the right attitude. When you stop acting like mom, he'll treat you like a girlfriend. When he's messy, remind him what needs attention. Then forget about it.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 July 2013):
 Two things. One, make a chore wheel. It may seem juvenile, but he's acting juvenile. So make a chore wheel of things that need to be done weekly and monthly. Don't let him take all the "rewarding" things like cooking leaving you with the crappy disgusting things like toilet cleaning. Make sure it's a truly even divide. P.S. fixing things doesn't count as a chore.
Two, read this article. It holds very, very true and I think most women living with men can relate:
http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/polhousework.html
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