A
male
age
36-40,
*RW
writes:I've been at a crossroads attempting to either force myself to like the guy or give up and pray my sister breaks up with him. I am not sure how long the questions usually are on this site, but if you have time for a back story, stick around!This is my younger sister (we'll call her Jane), who I have always been very protective over; however, I feel I am generally a fair judge of boyfriend quality/character. I come from a typical Caucasian American family in California. Over the past several years, my little sister has become infatuated with Central American culture. She has become fluent in Spanish, traveled to Guatemala to study abroad, and now only dates Latinos (which I am A-OK with). She went back to Guatemala post-graduation for over a year, met a Guatemalan guy and dated him for 6 months or so, then tried to continue it long distance. It lasted for another 6 months or so and ended since neither had any intention of moving. Jane has become a very talented and frequent salsa dancer and actually met her new boyfriend, another Guatemalan, doing just that. The only thing they seem to have in common is dancing, to be honest. This guy has no education, does sporadic construction work while unemployed the rest of the time, lives in a house he is working on with no electricity, and I am beginning to suspect that he is here illegally and is older than he tells my sister. Plus, he just annoys me!How I feel: This should have been a quick fling, and that my sister doesn't understand that relationships require both that first spark, which she had with him, but also logistical compatibility. I think she deserves someone with an education, or at least a job consistent enough to support her. He is a kind person, but that is not enough in this world. He is 28 (so he says) and has no prospects or ambition. They have been dating for about 6 months now.Question: He does seem to make her happy, so should I just accept him and their relationship?
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ambition, long distance, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I am a little sister, dating a guy who is not the obvious choice, so I understand the idea that insulting their relationship will probably only make her cling to him more. However, I hate my sister-in-law. I don't hate anyone in my family, but my brother was too lazy to date around and find a nice woman, so he settled for a harpy who makes everyone miserable. So, at the same time, I say - address it NOW. Not when they're getting engaged. Not when she gets knocked up. NOW.
BUT, like I said, telling her he's awful will really just make her feel insulted and like you think she's 12 years old and can't make her own choices. SO, my best advice would be to ASK her about him. Just ask her, and WORK REAAALLY HARD to make them sound like geniuine questions, not loaded ones - if you can't do this, then maybe get a mutual (preferably female) friend to do it. It might sound more sincere coming from her; girls love to talk about being in love and what attracted us to our partner, etc. So just ask her/have your friend ask her, as if she's intrigued and excited about this relationship:
"So... tell me about him? What is it you love about him?" "Do y'all have any plans for the future? ... [if it seems he doesn't have a clue where he's going] Oh? Is that a scary thing for you, not having any plans?" "What's the most romantic thing he's done or said?"
She'll feel like it's just chitchat with her girlfriend, but it may give you peace of mind. If she says she loves his cute butt, they have no real plans, and she doesn't care 'cause it's just fun and games - you've got nothing to worry about - she's just milking the fling - she's young and she isn't in a rush. If however, she has intelligent answers to all these questions, you might have to rethink your stance - maybe he does have more to offer than it seems.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Let it go. You can't live her life for her. Stick your nose where it doesn't belong and she'll stop taking your calls, brother or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I understand how you feel, but there is really not much you can do. She is a grown women and has to make her own decisions. However, you can try and point her head in the right direction. Maybe find a different person to bring around her that has more ambition. This guy sounds like a loser, but unfortunately it's her decision not yours. But, if you don't approve then I don't think you have to get over it. If he has no goals in life then I get why you don't want your sister to be with him. Try and talk to her in the nicest way and ask her what she plans for the future with him?
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (19 January 2011):
 If your sister is old enough to make her own decisions (and I'm assuming that she's old enough to vote, so she is) then there is little you can do beyond advise her. YOu aren't required to accept him if you genuinely do not think he is good enough for her (and you may be right on that). The point is, younger siblings have an irritating tendency to do the exact opposite of what they're told to do (I should know, I'm one).
Give it a little more time, she may come to her senses. You can always subtly bring up the differences in upbringing and economic situation between your sister and this guy I suppose. The lack of a job and ambition would be a red flag for most sensible young women and you may want to lead with that.
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