A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some advice. I am so confused I dont really seem to know wrong from right anymore. So have been with my bf for like 10 years now, and we are planning to get married next year. The problem is he has hit me in the past - alot. He has stopped that now but instead he is very angry - like all the time. He always puts me down and tells me stuff like im not all that and im just a loser. Not just that - I can go on forever......obviously you must be thinking leave him by now.Then I start thinking its not all bad and blame myself. Im not working at the moment and everyday he just misrable and tells me Im a loser...and just shouts. I hate that because it makes me sad and nervous.He is a very hard person to argue with - even if I do have a point. I dont understand what he wants from me? I know he wants me to work and i am looking. Thats not all - he just seems really angry towards me all the time. He doesnt work either and he just goes out all day and when he sees me - he just gets misrable. I have said to him - if he wants to talk about things - I will listen. He just tells me horrible comments all the time. Im so lost and confused I just dont understand what he wants from me - yet he doesnt give me anything. I dont really even know if he does love me because how could he when he has been and said such horrible things to me. I really need help and advice......we are both 31 and like I said its the 10 years part that gets me. I have put so much into this relationship and we totally come from different worlds - my family have made business and name for themselves - his parents never worked and on the council. My family were not so happy that I am with him- he has been prison a few times - I have always been there for him. I just dont know what to do anymore....is it me - because im suddenly not working. but what about him - I never got this angry when he stopped working. Please I would really appreciate your help and advice.xoxo
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I have just broke up with my abusive partner so can relate 100% to how hard it is to break free from the relationship. He has been in and out of prison and never held down a job (GOD KNOWS WHAT THE HELL I SEE IN HIM!!!) but when he was nice he was lovely and made me feel so good about myself, as soon ashe had a drink inside him he switched Jeckyl and Hyde! he would accuse me of cheating smash things in our home, I tried to call the police not so long ago as he smashed things in my home he snatched the phone pinned me to the floor punched himself and said he would tell them I did it! so frightening! I am a very strong person usually but for some crazy reason I stayed with him. last month he was arrested, we were out drinking with friends and he flipped out threw a drink over me and shouted abuse at me in front of everyone soooo humiliating! he then smashed the pub and was arrested!! like a crazed maniac - I was in shock for days but have finally found the strength to get help from the police and break free from him. I have told him it is over for good and am receiving police support and protection for when he is released!! although I am down as its hard learning to be on your own after becomming used to this abuse as a way of life I am now free from him and moving on slowly my life is now peaceful again :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): I am so sorry you have to endure this! I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through! I spent 16 years with my abusive husband.
The fact that he doesn't hit you anymore doesn't make it better does it? The words hurt much more than the blows did! He is a time bomb ready to explode!
It took me forever to see that at any moment he could kill me...my family also got fed up and practically disowned me. For years and years I told myself things would change, but they only got worse!
Finally one day, I had had enough and just walked away. I didn't consider where I would go, what I would do...I just got away...and when I did, my life changed 100-fold! Good things happened over and over!
Again, he may not be hitting you now, but with all the pent up anger and rage...HE WILL HIT YOU AGAIN...I can almost garauntee it!
Your only chance for happiness in life is to get away from him ASAP. You are young and still have lots of life left to live (by the way I was 56 when I left him)
I know you are listening to that inner voice, now trust it and take action!
Good Luck and Stay Strong!
If you wish to contact me privately, please feel free to do so!
BrittXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone - you have been so kind to actually care and answer my question. I am crying now - it is really sad. The situation I find myself in, the whole thing is much worse than I wrote.
My family have dis-owned me - they kept telling me to leave him and because I just couldn't see it....he is the first boy I have been with. Just so unfortunate that this is what I get for first relationship. I think thats why I try to hold on to it so hard.
Yes he did have a hard childhood - his dad used to hit his mum and his mum used to hit him.
I think deep down its fear of being alone after so many years.
I just want to say thanks so much for your advice -you guys are like angels. I also wanted to let you know - its bad.....all little messy.
I have to become stronger and braver. To put ME first.
These answers are definatly an echo of my inner voices.
Thanks, xxx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (28 April 2009):
 This is a classic case of domestic violence and mental illness on his part - the need to criticise you all the time comes partly for a sense of inadequacy on his part (he feels like a loser so calling you a loser makes him feel better) and a need to dominate and control you for reasons of power. If he brings you down, from his perspective, then you won't be motivated to walk away from him and find someone else. Domestic violence perpetrators are habitually weak people who feel the need to control those around them and they often learn poor ways of relating to people through bad childhood experience. If you marry him you can expect to have years more of abuse and an absent husband because he may go back to prison in the future. I suggest you call the women's aid helpline for advice and guidance on how to get out of this relationship before he really hurts you or worse. You have to think about what would happen if you have kids together - I have professional experience of working with domestic violence and child protection families for years and it is a really tragic situation for children to be in the middle of. Your current employment status is nothing to do with your situation - lets face half of the UK are struggling to find work right now and as you say he is not employed so that makes him a hypocrite. The length of your 'time' together is irrelevant because you cannot change what has happened in the past, you have to focus on the present and future time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): All I can say is thank God he's only your boyfriend and you didn't go and marry him before - and I'd seriously advise you not to go and marry him at any time!
You're right about me wondering why you haven't left him by now - why on earth haven't you? What's in this so-called relationship for you? In case you don't know I'll tell you - grief, violence, abuse, trips to the hospital to sort out your broken bones after you've 'fallen down the stairs' or your bruises after you've 'walked into a cupboard door'.
Ok, so you've spent 10 years of your life with this jerk but you're not 30 yet and you've still got a whole lot of living to do yet. This isn't a 'life' you're leading at the moment, it sounds more like purgatory, a living hell.
So, over to you - why are you still with him? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated worse than a doormat to be walked all over? What are you getting out of it? Where's the fun in it? And you're thinking of MARRYING him next year? Christ Almighty darling, you need your head examining if you go ahead and do that. You can do a lot better for yourself and I think you know it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): what exactly are you getting from the realtionship? are you expecting it to turn into a fairy tale in year 11? or because of a ring?
I think you are wasting your time with him. You could spend a lot less energy and get a more for filling relationship with someone else.
Love is not one sided...this appears to be. The violence is not going to stop.
please please read these posts.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-leave-my-abusive-and-demanding-man.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-shouldnt-hurt-signs-of-abusive-behaviour.html
and listen : Its not you - definitely not you. He chooses how to behave. you will need to find strength to leave him, but it will be better for you.
Hugs, Star.x.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (28 April 2009):
 I'm sorry that he hit you, because he shouldn't have. He is in the wrong, not you. You are a strong woman! You need to leave him.. move your stuff out.. break up with him in a public place, or let your mom know that if you don't phone her within 20 minutes where you'll be and to call the police. He's hit you..he's capable of more.
Please just leave him, you can't stay with him forever, even if you don't have a job, I'm sure you could use your employment insurance money, or go on unemployment, I'm not sure what they call it over there, but they must have something, right?
You need to leave..and you need to leave soon. When he first hit you it should have been a red flag. I know you've invested 10 years of your life in this man but if you leave now then you can find someone REALLY worth your time.
Please do..
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