A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I really need some advice about my partner. We've been together for about 5 years during which time he was going through a divorce from his estranged wife. Over the years I noticed more and more that he can be verbally abusive. He said that during this time he had a breakdown because of the divorce and he hates his ex wife for getting a share of the marital home and part of his pension. They have a grown up son at college and she has been with a new partner for about 6 years now.The thing is, since the divorce finished he started renting his own place but his behaviour seemed to get worse and worse. I really loved him when we met and we went through a lot together, spent holidays etc together. He can be so loving, generous and affectionate but he is highly insecure I guess. I thought once his divorce was sorted and he had time living alone he would get better, which he seemed to do but he has got worse. He says he will never re marry as he does not want to get 'shafted' again! So where does that leave me I often wonder!But his verbal abuse has gotten worse. He makes racist comments about non white people, he puts me down all the time, he calls me a 'bitch'. He said he only was with me for somewhere to go during his divorce and he never really loved me. He also said that he wanted someone to sit with him and watch the films he likes to watch (which I did) but he wasn't that bothered about me. He also has digs about me living in a council house - I have been a single parent for some years during that time I got two law degrees and got a good job and my girls are much older now but I continue to live here as the rent is affordable and it is my girl's home, plus it is an overall nice area very near where I grew up and also I have a health problem which is resolving but I don't think it is sensible to try and buy a place just now, especially with the current recession situation.He is critical of everyone and everything. He is 48 and I am 39. His daughter said he is unreasonable too and for the most part she stays away at college or goes to her Mother and just sees him occasionally. I know deep down he did care for me but I don't understand this behaviour at all. He seems to have become spiteful, angry, bitter and I wonder if he is simply better off on his own. I talked about going to counselling to work things out but he seems to see it as an opportunity to insult me with someone else there to back him up! Does this sound like a breakdown or was he just a nasty piece of work all along and i must missed the signs?? I am very upset as I have loved him dearly and we talked before about living together. Now he seems to just want nothing to do with me. One minute he was telling me how great I am and then the next he is completely demonising me. We had a big falling out and have not met up for a few weeks but have spoken on the phone here and there.I'm not sure what to do? I wonder if he has personality disorder? He seems to argue with and be critical of his colleagues too. This is all making me ill and I'm kind of stuck in a rut with it. We don't live together by the way. Thanks for your help.
View related questions:
a break, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, puts me down Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, b.rye  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 Wow - he sounds depressed. A visit to the doctor might shed some light on your situation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I know you say you "love him" but, he sounds like a racist, womanizing, evil, piece-of-shit! You should move on and make a better life for yourself and try to find a man that actually appreciates you! You sound like a very sweet and smart woman! Don't waste your time w/this guy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Abusive treatment like you describe, rarely goes away! It only gets worse with time. Once an abusive man knows he can get away with treating you like crap, he will continue to do it. It will escalate with time.
I have been through all kinds of abuse...sexual, physical, emotional...the whole gammit! Emotional is the worst as far as I am concerned...it never goes away! The words stay in your head long after the bones, or bruises have healed! After hearing the same putdowns over and over again, you begin to believe them. It tears away at any self confidence you once had. It is a form of mind control and he will consume you life until you believe that you need him (abuse and all) to survive! You are convinced that you are not worthy of anything or anyone better. You believe you deserve to be treated that way!
IT IS ALL LIES!
It isn't easy, but you have to take control back! Empower yourself! Walk away and DON'T LOOK BACK! If you do, he will suck you in again!
I lived with some sort of abuse most of my life! I refuse to be a part of it any longer!!! I will never let anyone treat me badly again!
For me, I had to get to a point where I knew living alone was far better than living with him! It worked for me, it could work for you.
Yes, it sounds as though he has a personality disorder...could be bi-polar...could be a sociopath...in any case He isn't a pleasant person to be around!
Be good to yourself and get as far away from him as possible!
I wish you strength and good luck!
Britt
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I think all of this is coming from his divorce. In divorces alot of men end up with the short end of the stick. I can honestly tell you that you are better off with out him if he is going to treat you like that.It also kind of sounds like he is a bit jealous of your life. You have so much going for you , you don't deserve to have to live with this. I think he done you a favor when he said "he doesn't want anything to do with you" you don't need someone like that.Men like that will bring you down along with them. it want get better. It sounds like he is very bitter concerning his divorce and what he lost. Do you ever wonder why his ex wife divorced him. could it be he treated her the same way. I wish you all the best in your situation. good luck.
...............................
|
