A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 2 years and I seperated in September. He is now begging me to reconcile with him, says he's been going to counseling and feels he is a better person. I really feel I have no interest in being with him again. He was very abusive verbally, emotionally and a little physically. Just a small ex) he stopped wearing his wedding band months ago saying "he didn't know what he wants". When I said that hurt my feelings, he responded "who the F%$# cares?" The other big issue is that I cannot see myself forgiving and forgetting. He is military and had to actually submit paperwork for the government to send me back to the States...which he did. I have been trying to convey that I don't want to work this out with him, but he doesn't seem to get it. But also a teeny part of me wonders if I should at least try. It gets more complicated though as he is stationed overseas for at least the next 3 years and I am in the States.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (15 May 2010):
 DO NOT TRY
he is an abuser, and acted like her changed. As soon as you presented an undesirable opinion to him, he said, "who the fuck cares?". This means, HE DOES NOT CARE and will abuse you again.
A
male
reader, OnewingedAngel +, writes (18 November 2008):
I'd love to hear your thoughts on my question " Infidelity, physical abuse...is it fixable?" I'm sorry to hear that my headbutted you or anything. What he did sending you back and taking off the ring must've been quite traumatic. I hate to say it but I don't think you could go back and be successful. good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Well you answered my question and that IS ABUSE. Did you hit him too or was it all him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): I appreciate all of the advice. A "small" example of his physical abuse was shoving me and headbutting me in the face, both while intoxicated.
The more I think of him and how he treated me, the angrier I become, but I strongly believe in marital commitment which is the only reason I tolerated as much garbage as I did, that and I kept hoping he would get better.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (15 November 2008):
 I don't think you should consider going back. This guy went out of his way to have you sent back after the split - that is not very nice or forgiveable by anyones standards. I imagine he wants you back now because he is alone and has no one who will put up with his behaviour. Any form of physical violence however small is not acceptable. My ex husband used to shove me backwards and then pull the door behind him so with the momentum of me moving forwards it meant the door hit me in the face - small physical violence but not on. He also used to call me the c word and other choice swear words.
I would ignore your husband and stay put. He may also be feeling ill at ease about being away from the States for so long, making him feel lonely and unsettled so he wants the comfort and security back that he had with you.
I don't think 2 months is enough time to really decide about your feelings. If he is really sorry and wants to try again and you still feel something for him I suggest you keep in regular contact and talk on the phone, e - mail and see if anything can be rekindled , but with no promises on your side. See if his behaviour improves at a distance and then maybe a few weekends together just to make sure he is making all the changes he should be making.
I accept his job is probably extremely stressful and this can contribute to bad behaviour and violent outbursts but he should not continue to abuse you. If you have really had enough I would stay where you are and tell him it is most definitely over. Personally I don't think a leopard can change its spots but other people say different so I think it is down to your feelings. I am not saying for one minute that you have any guilt but don't let guilt make you feel you should go back to him. Some men can make you feel guilty and worthless as a way ogf getting you back. just be very careful and don't do anything in haste.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 November 2008):
You say he is a little physically abusive. What does that mean? That is a big statement and sometimes used to easily. Can you give an example?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 November 2008):
H can change all he wants, it doesn't mean your dynamic within the relationship will have changed and that he won't slip back into old ways.
You don't want him back and he's not in the same country as you so prove to him you don't want him back by not speaking to him for the next 3 years.
This guy actually had you deported to get rid of you.
You Deserve better than that. Don't let a tiny part of your brain remember the good times and trick you into thinking it can be like that again.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (15 November 2008):
 The abuse will continue. They are addicted to it. If you have got over him and don't even fancy him much anymore, why on earth try it again?
Have you told him you moved on and are no longer interested? Military men can be very abusive, controlling and possessive. Don't give him too much information. Don't explain yourself to him. You're really busy, you have a lot going on and just don't have time for a man right now. Something like that - but not personal attack to make him mad.
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