A
male
age
30-35,
*pectral
writes:I have a question that has been on my mind for a little bit now, well, a few questions that is.1. Why don't I really care for females anymore?I've only ever had three relationships, 2 being more than a month, one being two years. The longer ones I was both lied to in, and one I was cheated on, causing me to now currently be paranoid about what's the truth and what's not, and to have major trust issues with any females wanting more than a friendship with me.Every female that has shown interest in me, I don't seem to care about, even if I want to, and should, I just don't feel anything, I'll openly flirt with them, but it won't feel like flirting, no butterflies or special feelings, it would feel like normal talk, Christ, even sexting with someone feels nothing out of the norm and nothing that special, whereas few years ago it would've meant something to me. So what can I do to fix it so I can move on from what has impacted me so much and live a happier, more trusting life, with another female who I have feelings towards instead of a hollow shell?2. How do I repair the wounds of dishonesty, disloyalty, and cheating that have been bestowed upon me?My last relationship was my deepest and greatest achievement in a coed life so far, but it was also the one the impacted me the most for the better, and for the worse. But it seems like only the worse has stayed to haunt me. I was cheated on about 10 months into it, which I forgave her and that was her chance blown, but then about a year and a bit later, after a few break ups and reforms, things just didn't feel right anymore, less communication, less feelings and such, and they just felt like temporary feelings when they were there. We started off friends with benefits, and it felt like it ended that way as well, to me at least.But now I can't really trust any female anymore, even if it is the truth, I'd question a lot of things, even if they were preposterous questions and such, I'd still do it, and if a female confides feeling for me with me, I'll always ask why, and then after they explain, I'll feel nothing, unaffected, even if they were kept from me for a while.How can I regain the trust I once had in a relationship, and replenish the faith I once had towards even being with a female again?
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male
reader, Spectral +, writes (5 April 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell one ex lied to me about a few things and didn't tell me until around 7 months in, the other cheated because she thought I had cheated on her, which I didn't and I'm an advocate of not fighting fire with fire.And if I focus too much on myself, I feel like I might just become self loving and only care about myself, which is why i try to care for others so I don't end up being a self centered person.I have this woman in mind right now though, we have been talking for over a year now and I've gotten to know a lot about her and have a great feeling about her and such. And I trust her, she can stand up for herself and such, and I do trust her with what she says.What do you think? We're not together or anything, but have talked about it time and time again, we live too far away and we're both starting college this September. My plan was to ee here every now and then throughout college and see if we maintain eachother through all of college and if so, then make plans for the future.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 April 2011):
I would say that you have four problems.1 - You seem to choose girls who are not suitable, or who you haven't got to know properly. You have the problem that you put women on a pedestal, even though there are signs that things might go wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that women after just sex (i.e friends with benefit) are bad, but realistically they may not have the same idea about commitment as you do. You started a relationship that was FWB, and it's not really like you got to know the real woman. You seemed to have put her on a pedestal, and perhaps glossed over certain factors that would have made her actions clearer. If it started as a FWB, there was a high chance it would end with just as little meaning. So, in the future, do not go down the FWB route. Spend a lot more time speaking to a woman and getting to know her before you make a move on her. 2 - There is a clear indication that the type of girl you're attracted to isn't suitable. To pick two cheaters means that there is something wrong with who you're aiming for. Either you're aiming too low, or you are again glossing over problems with that person. You need to look very closely at the type you're attracted to. 3 - Your insecurity. Nothing on earth says "I'm a doormat" more that insecurity. And you have bags of it, I'm afraid. Your selection of woman who have gone on to cheat have made you insecure, and now you are unable to cope with anything that isn't structured - such as an ex "harassing" an ex. and nothing pushes a woman away more that insecurity. You say you're not the type to stand back and allow an ex to harass. But that attitude drives women away. It's unattractive, and makes you appear weak. Women appreciate a certain level of protectiveness, but they don't appreciate insecurity. 4 - You do seem to have unrealistic expectations - i.e you seem unsatisfied all the time. You said you had an emotional affair, yet you hint that you wouldn't have done it if you were satisfied - that's a poor excuse for being a cheat, really. Overall, I think you're a person who is not yet ready for a relationship. I'm not sure you have the maturity of live experience to cope with them. Your choice of women is questionable, since they cheat. You also seem to have double standards - you don't like being cheated on, but you say that if you were happy you yourself wouldn't be involved in emotional cheating. This is again a sign that you need to be alone and focused on your own life, not anyone else's. You'd do best to remain single at the moment. In fact, that's the reason you can't fall for girls or don't care for the ones that do - your mind isn't ready. Spend more time living your own life, learning about women, respecting the right type of woman and you'll meet someone.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (3 April 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have a girl in mind who i really like and am attracted to and have been talking to for over a year now. Even during the relationship with my ex I talked to her and had developed a liking for her and vice versa because she seemed to have most, if not all I look for in a girl. What if a guy harasses her over text and she can't block him because it costs extra? Do you think it was bad of me to have developed something for her but not act on it while I was with my ex, aside from the emotional cheating I did during the end? That's another thing, what I do I always fear happening to me, but if I was satisfied with whoever I am with, I wouldn't seek out more, would I?Yea, I only have one female I can say I truly am only friends with, and I've known her since grade 6, so it's self explanatory. In a work environment, people do talk to each other though, what if someone developed a thing for my current girl (if I had one at the time) and he knew she was taken but still pushed buttons? He can't exactly be forced to move or leave the company (for just talking) what should be done there? Because I've seen a few things on TV about these situations and such.If I develop feelings for someone easily, based on attraction, good conversation, ect. What can I do to prevent doing that while in a relationship but continue to talk to a female? Do I stop talking to them, or do I learn to control my emotions? What should I do, because I hate cheaters and cheating, but some things are out of my control.Well yea, it's a different setting and all, but a lot o couple do meet at college or at work and such, and I wouldn't want that happening to me (who ever I'm with to meet someone at work/college) but again, some things are out of my control. Which is why I always say, the less people in my life and hers, the less stress and possible threats that can arise.That means that work friends are a different kind of friendship, they are colleagues. It's a different setting than if he met her at a bar etc.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 April 2011):
 You are taking what happened with your ex to mean this will happen in future relationships as well. Instead of figuring out ways to handle the situation when it arises again I'd advice you to date a girl who can stand up for herself, lay down the law, and who wont take no shit from guys. A girl with backbone, as you said. I think that would be a better option, to go for a girl who you know you don't need to guard like a dog. Again, remember that ideal relationship. In the ideal relationship you shouldn't have to even get into a situation where you have to stand by and watch as your girl gets harassed. Your ex's situation would have annoyed me as well, so the best is just to find a girl who wont let that happen, or go on that far.
As for work environments. No, you can't tell people not to have friends of the opposite sex. They are possible to be only friends. Some can, some can't. I can't, in my personal experience Im not friends with a guy unless there's been an attraction from either part at some point. But that's just me, and I am able to have straight friendships after said attraction has gone. To describe what I mean, I am able to be friends with high school flirts I had, without running a risk of a new flirt developing.
But not all are like you and me, I hear about people who are just friends, always have and always will. Then again I heard something that makes sense, guys and girls aren't "friends" in general, but if they study together, work together, or are put together because of a setting, then they can become friends. But only then, because then it is the environment that placed them together, and otherwise they wouldn't have approached each other.
That means that work friends are a different kind of friendship, they are colleagues. It's a different setting than if he met her at a bar etc.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (2 April 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea, but would it be bad if I would prefer for me and my mate to be cut off from most of the other people in the world? So that workplace spouses don't develop later on in life after college and such, because to me, it's rare to ever have a guy and girl be friends without either one having any feelings for another, which then talking and seeing eachother everyday would only heighten what could possibly happen.Well my ex wouldn't really do anything actually, I told her to tell the guy(s) to fuck off and such, but she never would even tell them that in the nicest of terms, I tried for months to get her to stand up for herself, but that's in the past now, what if I'm with someone o a similar nature later on?Well it was only pestering and such at school whenever he saw her or was with her in a classroom situation, even the teachers wouldn't do anything despite him putting his hand on places where they don't belong, especially in public. I told her to tell the principal, but she didn't want to make "a scene" which to me was total bullshit and an excuse to chicken out of standing up for herself.Well no, I'd tell the girl to leave me alone, or if it was a friend of long terms, then I'd tell them to stop with their antics or I'll have to stop talking with them. For me I have a double standard, seeing as more so than not will a guy try to get further with a girl than a girl will with a guy, that said I find a guy flirting with her more of a threat than a girl flirting with me, since when I demand the other girl to stop, she does, but if a guy is demanded by a girl to stop, he usually laughs and doesn't take her seriously, which really pissed me off.What if I take too much of an interest, or take too much interests in their situations and such? Is there a line that can be crossed in terms of being concerned and stepping in with their business and issues with other men?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 April 2011):
Your ideal relationship sounds like a good one. It's good for you to keep your ideal relationship in mind when you consider girls for a relationship, and when you enter one. To remember exactly what it is you want, and if you feel you can't get your ideal relationship from this or that person you know you should break it off. To want what you described from a relationship is what most would want, and something you can definitely achieve. It sounds lovely actually.
You worry that what if this or that happens, what should you do then? First off you must remember that these are all hypothetical situations. If a girl has back bone, stands up for herself, and knows what's right and whats wrong, I don't think such a situation would occur. Moreover, if she is a good girl, someone who you can have an ideal relationship with, how do you imagine the situation will be solved? I think that you and her will be able to solve any situation together, right?
Say if there really is such a guy that is pestering her and wont back down. Should you do something? Yes, and your girl will want you to help her out, as she'd want the help of any friend to get rid of the unpleasant guy. In the case that she really can not get him to stop herself. I imagine if such a situation occurred she would very much be interested in making it stop, and remove herself from such a situation as well. Getting your help would then be welcomed, and not seen as a problem. Together you and your girl would figure out what would be the best solution to the problem.
Does that happen often though? I never had a situation like that, or heard of one, where a guy was pestering a girl to such an extent. If it occurred, she would contact the police, wouldn't she? If these things happen often around the girls you know, are you sure they are not exaggerating the situation, or even making it up to get attention? Perhaps you should look for girls who from the start hang with a good crowd, and don't find themselves in these situations, and don't let themselves get pushed over by a pestering guy. Perhaps the girls you know at the moment are the wrong type of girls for you, and you should be looking elsewhere for someone who is girlfriend-material? Just a thought.
What if a girl was coming on to you and pestering you, would you like your girlfriend to be involved and help sort things out, or would you be upset if she cared about it? I think this flies both ways, a good couple will be interested in the best for each other, and so take an interest if their partner gets bothered.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (31 March 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know control does play a big part in my, my most recent one is where I started developing my need for control, which may have stemmed from the previous relationship when I was lied to about multiple things, so I wanted to ensure that I wasn't being lied to again by someone else.Another reason why I did it was because the person I was with was a guy magnet, so I restricted her from certain groups of people due to their tendencies of saying unacceptable and even doing unacceptable things, so I didn't want her to be apart of a group of people who don't respect boundaries of a relationship.I know my ideal relationship would be a relaxing one, one where I didn't have to check up constantly, where I can trust her to make good decisions, where she has a back bone and can stand up for herself and I don't have to do so, someone like that. If I'm not in a relationship, but I still have the need to control and such, well I think that the control comes from my issue of being insecure with whom I'm with, how am I supposed to deal with if a guy is hitting on my girl, or is constantly harassing her and won't stop? If my girl has told him to leave her alone, and it's really irritating me, what can be done to stop it? Because I'm not someone who takes a backseat to this kinda stuff.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 March 2011):
Then you have a control issue, not a trust issue. You know that's wrong and that you need to work on it, because even the most controlling person can not control other humans. You just can't. When you enter a relationship you put your heart in someone elses hands. And you can get hurt. Which is why picking out the right woman is so important, someone who wouldn't cheat, emotional or physical.
Checking someones phone or e-mail, with or without permission, is a deal breaker just as much as cheating is a deal breaker. So if you want a relationship, and have problems with letting go of control, you need to work on that before entering a relationship, and while you are in a relationship too. That to me is a slightly different topic though. To me, if you don't trust someone you don't try to control them... you just leave the relationship. Because what kind of relationship can you have when you do not have peace of mind, or are able to relax and trust the person who supposedly loves you? It's not a relationship worth having then.
But then you have these people who let their obsession with control get the best of them, despite them saying they trust their partner, despite their partner never having cheated or done anything "unacceptable" for no matter how many years. They still seek to control that person. And it's a dangerous path to get on, because it takes over and becomes an issue all in itself, unrelated to cheating or distrust. For example it can start with checking the phone, but end up to the extreme of controlling who the person is allowed to hang out with, to have the controlling person decide what the other is allowed to do or not, wear, say, even think. And that's not about trust, that's all about control.
Do you want a relationship where you check your girlfriends phone? Or don't trust her? It is simple in one way, if you feel the need to check on her phone, don't. Just sit on your hands or do something else. If you find yourself unable to live with not knowing, or you do not trust her, then end the relationship. You are not ready for a relationship if you can not trust in the person you are with, nor if you have a need to check and control. Because that's not the signs of a healthy relationship, nor is it a relationship that would make you, or her, happy.
Imagine what your ideal relationship would look like, and feel like. Then try to find that, and don't settle for anything less.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (30 March 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that all women don't cheat and such, same with all men, I'm more skeptical on the emotional cheating and such, like with todays technology, she can have a cell phone,multiple email address', ect. And I'd never know what she's doing cause she's wearing a mask. These things also get to me cause I now have a fear of being way too controlling when it comes to their privacy and such, cause to me, what I don't know, can hurt me. So I have the want and pretty much need to know everything that she's doing or I will lose it, like an OCD without soap and water.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 March 2011):
If you do not trust them then they are strangers enough. You do trust your close friends right? That's the difference. And yes, there is no age set for how soon or late you should learn about life. The sooner the better actually. There is no use in crying over spilt innocence. You sound as if you think you can never fall in love again? You can. But from now on it will take a little extra for a girl to make you notice, a little extra than a smile and a flirt, because now you have your heart closed. When you are ready you will open it up a little bit and see if it feels safe, and if the right girl is there to welcome you, you will open up more. You can search this site for "is it possible to love again" etc, there are many who have been hurt who ask this question, and you might find the answers useful. That random women you meet, or associates you know, can't open up your heart, is normal. Women must also learn this lesson, hence an intelligent woman will not believe whatever a charmer at a bar tells her, because he will whisper words of love only to get sex. Naturally women too need to be skeptical of strangers, or people they don't know too well. I even had a man I knew once, who I studied with, and talked with and who I thought was nice. He tried to force me into sex after getting me drunk, and called me a whore when I refused after he physically dragged me to his bedroom. And there are worse people out there, people who rape. If I was to believe whatever a man tells me I could be dead. If I was to fall in love with the first and best man who declared his love to me, I could be in an abusive relationship. In life you simply can not trust people easily. The sooner you learn to stay away from people with red flags the better. Right now you think all women carry a risk of deceit and pain. But that is because you not too long ago came out of a bad relationship. To have faith takes a lot out of a person, and in many cases take time. But for most, what you need is to find a person who treats you right and restores your confidence. And you will meet people you can trust. And then, when you feel ready, it's all about taking that leap of faith, because there are no guarantees in love. For the record, there are plenty of women out there who don't cheat.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (30 March 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut now I'm questioning if at 18, am I supposed to already feel this way, jeez, I haven't even begun college yet. I don't pressure myself into trusting every women, I wonder why I don't really trust any of them, no matter how honest they are. I don't use flirting to get a butterfly feeling, I don't get that anymore, I just flirt for means to talk to someone who doesn't mind flirting back, though I'm never the one to start anything like that. But thanks for your answer, I can see about the "stop flirting" with women and such, though they're never random people I met in a chatroom or anything, seeing as I don't use those.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 March 2011):
I think it is normal to feel this way after being lied to, and in particular after being cheated on. Every woman who breaks up with a jerk hates all men and swear she will never fall in love again. And that's just your average jerk, I can only imagine how a cheater makes you feel. So this goes both ways, and for all people.
You had bad break-ups, and bad relationships. That is why you now feel this way. It sounds obvious, but Im saying it because I want to assure you that this isn't because of women in general, or because of some distrust in you. It is a natural reaction you have after experiencing bad relationships. You don't trust women, and you feel emotionally detached from flirting and sexting.
"So what can I do to fix it so I can move on from what has impacted me so much and live a happier, more trusting life, with another female who I have feelings towards instead of a hollow shell?"
You might not like my answer, but the best thing you can do is not flirt, or text sexually, with a woman you do not like. You use the flirting as a means to get to the butterfly-in-belly-stage. Instead you need to wait until you get those butterflies and THEN flirt and send texts. So stop the flirting with random women until you meet someone who's worth it from the start.
"and if a female confides feeling for me with me, I'll always ask why, and then after they explain, I'll feel nothing, unaffected, even if they were kept from me for a while." Again it appears you think you HAVE to feel things. You don't. You don't have to feel butterflies and happy-happy feelings if someone tells you they like you. Perhaps it was exciting and intriguing when someone first did that to you. But as we grow, it is quite normal to not get head over heels just because someone confess to like you. If you used to get charmed by it, and you now feel emotionless about it, I understand the disappointment. But this isn't just because you have been hurt in the past, it is a mature response to NOT get carried away just because someone says they like you.
As you grow older you learn that even if someone says they like you, you don't have to like them back. You don't even have to get affected by it. You can reject them, turn them down, or if you think they are nice, you can agree to a date. But by no means do you have to fall in love with them immediately. More commonly people take it as a complement, but tell them that they are not interested. You can do the same, next time someone tells you they like you. If you aren't interested in them in return, as it appears (you don't feel anything) just say thank you, that you take it as a complement, but that you don't return those feelings.
It's ok. You don't owe them anything in return you know. This isn't so much about you not trusting them as you having matured and not letting yourself get carried away.
Lets say you maybe like someone back, you shouldn't jump into heavy flirting even so. You should take it slow and just get to know them. A healthy distrust in people is good for you, makes you not so naive, gullible, or easily fooled. Because as you have experienced, and many others have experienced, not all people are good people. And we need to stay on guard and keep a look-out and weed out the good from the bad. If the person is worth it, you will start to build up your trust in them.
I think you need to take it slow and stop pressuring yourself into trusting every woman that comes your way. You can't trust every woman you meet, nor should you. But there are some out there that is worth trusting. The thing is just that in order to find them, you need to get to know them well, and take it slow, and not fly into relationships with blindfolds on. You learned a lesson, and instead of thinking that all you have learned is bad, think of it as a good lesson: you now know what kind of women to avoid, and you have learned to not trust blindly.
You don't need to trust women, you just need to find that one woman who is worthy of being in a relationship with you, and you need to trust her. You don't need to trust anyone else. If that makes sense.
Just be patient and keep your eyes open for the one that stands out, the one who will make you trust in her just because she is who she is. When you find the right one your trust will slowly come back. Just remember to take it slow! In my experience, if it's worth anything, you don't fully know a person until after a year into the relationship. So until then, don't give yourself wholly and completely.
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